still here

 Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.  Not here for the colonization and imperialism, but for the fellowship and food.  Going out to a newly-rebuilt house of friends whom I've known now for four generations, some I see regularly and others I haven't seen since a wedding a few years back.  It'll be a nice time.

I'm pretty overwhelmed with life now.  My kitchen remodel is in progress so we're living in a construction zone.  This weekend's plans are to finish the soffit removal (it's been a beast) and start the drywall process and also remove lower cabinets for electrician coming on Monday to install more outlets and such.  It's a huge mess and plastic tries to keep the kitchen contained, but it's all just a mess.  

And work?  Oof, too many 14 hours days and intense times.  There is also a profound sorrow in the work I do and I'm a cog in the machine and it's sometimes just so much.  Yesterday was too much and I'm reeling on a fundamental level.  If I were not doing this work then somebody else would be and they would definitely be less compassionate and forward-thinking than me, and so I know it's good that I'm here.  And personally it's good because the money is good and I'm good at it and keep improving which is something that satisfies me.  But it is devastating and were are swimming in thick trauma.  

I have worked most of my life with trauma and I've had a sort of buffer because of how I am - always a bit removed.  This is hitting me harder, perhaps because I have more power now and I take that very seriously, but I do not have enough power to make necessary systems change only at individual levels.  Perhaps because I feel connected to some colleagues through whom trauma flows.  

And so I understand why my job has such high turnover.  This is not fun.  

And I need to figure out ways to deal with this within myself, to keep moving forward.  I am hopeful the 14-hours days will reduce once I actually get good support staff and once we're fully staffed.  It's too much and I'm exhausted.  I'm experiencing anxiety around sleep for the first time and that is a vicious cycle.  My dog is worried about me and keeps lying on my chest, so I should probably get my heart checked out.  I am not making healthy choices because I'm so overwhelmed.

Oh and on top of a very challenging job and a kitchen demo/remodel, I'm totally redoing my yard now.  Because I don't have enough on my plate?  I have some fellows coming on Saturday to do some prep, and I know they will be able to finish in a day what would frankly take me three months to do since I have little time and energy free to spend.  But I'll be there in a support role, prepping cardboard and hauling mulch, and Friend will be here trying to get those soffits fully removed.  I've backed off some yard plans, but I have about 30 cubic yards of leaves and chips to get spread, some weedy areas to root out, much of a large tree to still deal with, and I need to prepare the area so that I can get a fence put in. 

It's just a lot, much of my own doing.  This is a season to withdraw and relax, but I'm powering through and running on fumes.  Hopefully within the next couple of months I'll get things completed.  And I'm planning to take off from work the last week of December.  Maybe some other days here and there through December as it's less busy than usual.  Just have to get through the next week. And I need to stop myself from starting up the bathroom remodel right away.  It desperately needs to be done but I need a break, and it functions now. 

OK, I think I'll take the dog for a walk and then get a few chores done before I head out to friends' cabin.  I really hope their kids aren't sick; maybe I'll take a mask.  

I'm grateful for this life even when I'm exhausted and in trauma. 

this is not the place

 Or, my nine month itch.

I got here in February, so it's right at nine months.  I'm right on time for my usual "oh this place blows."

Of course I always knew this place blows.  I've been making fun of it for almost 40 years as a boring backwater.  

I didn't come here because I thought I'd like the place.  I know I don't like the place.  I'm here to keep my best friend alive and to make bank.  

Sometimes I try to convince myself I can stay here until I die, and that is of course feasibly so.  I could work another 15 years to pay off this overpriced house and spend my golden years in this relatively safe, flat place.  Flat is good for accessibility, especially when I consider a day when I cannot drive.  This is a place with a lot of old people and I assume it's perfectly fine to live out my golden years.

But it's not me.  I don't fit here.  It's fine for opportunities it provides, but I do not like it, not really.  

And people are cold.  I had a friend I knew from Louisiana who moved to the Pacific NW and in three years, not one coworker asked her to join for lunch.  Same.  People seem friendly but they're not really.  Not in real ways.

I always say how much I love the South - which surprises me more than anyone - and maybe I'll return there.  I find people much warmer and more welcoming in many ways there.  

I do have good friends here, very good friends.  But I should have more, and seeing how to make friends here is tough.  

Work is also weird, with high school clique personalities.  NOt the people actually in my office but beyond.  Their behaviors are so weird.  And some are escalating the negative behaviors toward me lately because I won't play their games.  They may also be upset that the big bosses seem to really like me, and I expect more of everyone.  I'm not a business as usual person, I"m a let's all dig in and do better person, and that annoys many people.  And I don't give a fuck that they're annoyed, which of course annoys them more.  They'll get over it, and it doesn't bother me, I just note it, because it reflects on their lack of integrity.

Can I last four and a half more years?  I hope so.  Seven months has gone pretty quickly.  

But what comes next?  

I do not know.  

Maybe the Cayman Islands somehow?  I sure did like it there.  

apple from the tree

 I have three apple trees on the property - one in the front yard is old and lichened and actually just removed. The tree guy said it was diseased likely beyond hope, and it was not in a great spot.  So down it came.  One is in the side yard, right where I plan to put a fence so in the way.Plus it's far from my house and mostly rains apples onto the sidewalk that I need to clean up.  They're red delicious and they get mushy fast.  It didn't seem like I got many good apples from the tree, but  also encouraged people to pick them so hopefully they satisfied.  But, the tree will go away.  

The third tree is in the corner of my backyard and is old and wizened and really cool looking.  It has been producing windfall apples like crazy, and I made myself crazy trying to process them.  They were too tiny and wormy and so much work for such little reward.  Plus the only thing really suited for those tiny pieces was applesauce and I don't even really like applesauce.  I've been picking up the apples that the squirrels and rats take bites from and throw to the ground (I really have to deal with these fucking rats - removing the hot tub was a good first step) and setting aside the ones without bites in fairly good condition.  Yesterday was the first time I actually pulled an apple from the tree and ate it - and it was so fucking good.  A wonderful flavor.  Then I took the setaside bite-free apples and made a big pan of apple crisp with little sugar and it was so fucking good.  Well, the apples were good, the crisp I'll work on (I used the NYT recipe and wasn't a big fan).  

The apple was still pretty firm on the tree and didn't really want to get picked yet, so they seem to want some more time.  But I'm in a rush with rats, so I may start earnest picking soon.  Friend will eat a bunch, and I want to figure out long-term storage for the few without worms.  Coddling moths affect pretty much all the apples here so I just cut around the worm spots.  I'll fill my refrigerator crisper drawers, and I may dehydrate some.  No guarantees there; I dehydrated dozens of pears and they are so very tasty, but apples excite me less that way.  For the apples that aren't in the best shape with bruises and worms and all the real life things, I plan to can them.  Then I can have a ready supply for crisps throughout the year.  

TBH, I've canned too much for desserts already, but the plums I put up will not have another productive year for awhile. We hacked them WAAAY back.  And maybe I can psych myself into limiting myself to only the desserts that I make instead of stopping at bakeries.  Mine are usually healthier, and I can share easily now. 

The tree guy I like came yesterday and did a heap of work that always amazes me.  He really cleared out some brush that had tormented me.  He had to cut time short so is coming again before the big tree removal scheduled for next week to finish up.  He said he wanted to talk to me before removing the lilac, making a case for it to stay, and I'm glad he did.  I always like to hear his thoughts.  He was talking abut the pollinators and such and mentioned that there's a native lilac.  WHAT.  There is so much that I don't know about native plants here!  So I"m going to take out the non-native one that is in my way and put in a better spot some native ones THAT REQUIRE NO IRRIGATION.  That is a huge thing for me.  Our summers are wicked dry and top priority for me is not requiring watering.  I have a little area near my driveway that the house seller had put things like strawberries in.  It is NOT in any way convenient to water, so what the fuck.  The only thing that survived there is roses (which are going away) and some lavender and lots of non-native weeds.  I'm going to mostly clear that area, smother the fuck out of the weeds with leaves and woodchips, and put in native lilac and other native plants that don't require irrigation or frankly care once established.  And in my search for this native lilac, I learned about a native plant specialist who designs yards for the same as what I was paying the permaculture guy who got on my nerves (though did teach me some things), so I'm going to reach out to her.  And the nursery where she works sells so many things that I"ve been wanting.  

But I'm not going to reach out to her today because I'm spending the day planning my kitchen remodel, which is pretty exciting.  

I was reminded again that I've only been in this house for less than three months, and while I see a lot of projects ahead I've also done a lot, and there's a lot of waiting and watching that needs to happen before I make decisions.  I needed to use the kitchen before knowing that I needed to do for changes.  The tree guy I like and I were talking and I said I'm better understanding how things are growing in my yard and what things are, so I know now about removing things but I'll know even more when he comes back in February to prune the neglected fruit trees, and I"m really glad I didn't just hack everything down based on the bad information I was given.  The pears are perfect, I just need a net and taller ladder.  The plums are fantastic. The grapes are delicious.  I was told all those things were not good and that was a fucking lie.  And he said a big part of permaculture is observation, and I heartily agreed and added "and tasting."  He heartily agreed, as he is a huge fan of fruit.  That's why he didn't really want to pull out the red delicious apple tree, but I think if I tell him that once the fence goes in that the replacements are persimmon and paw paws that he will be fine.  He likes all the fruits. I'm getting pretty stoked about getting this part of the yard more accessible for me and dog, with removing the massive sweet gum and putting in a fence.  So many exciting plans and ideas to try, like woodchip gardening.  And the sellers were really opposed to me taking out the sweet gum, saying the shade was so important - but I put in AC, and we only need shade a few months; most of the year is dark and dreary and having natural light come in through windows is more important than blocking it out (which is why I have window coverings).  I had to observe that and be willing to do drastic things. 

I'm going to run out of money at some point, but I might get at least the kitchen and yard done before that happens.  Bathroom reno might have to wait.  Definitely not going to tackle any other expensive projects for quite awhile, unless there's an emergency. I did a lot already.  

Basically I just feel really fucking lucky.  I have more than I need in all regards.  I've worked really hard all my life, but this isn't reward for that - it's fucking luck.  And I have control over significant areas of my life* which has always been important.  Work is hard, and I will have to work longer before retirement than I'd hoped because of how expensive my house is, but hopefully I can do so.  I was kind of lamenting that I bought such an expensive house to be so centrally located at such a high premium when I could have gotten much cheaper out in the suburbs, and Friend was like, "Whoa, but I really like how close you are to me!" and I remembered that's a key consideration.  We're at each other's houses multiple times each week.  Today she'll stop by after work to let the dog out, and tomorrow she'll hopefully come over to help me change a door's swing direction and talk kitchen ideas.  Yesterday I stopped by to bitch about work (I was so angry that I left hours early), and often drop by to harvest from the garden, drop off eggs or things from my yard, etc.  I didn't have that the last time I was living in New Orleans, and these types of friendships are critical for my happiness.  I don't need (or want) a lot of friends, but I need deep and meaningful friendships. 

OK, I need to rustle up some breakfast, hop in the shower, and start the drive to the kitchen renovation dream.  

 It's another good day. 

*I came unglued at work yesterday though for the lack of control I have there.  I'm super pissed with how management is handling the problematic support team member.  SUPER SUPER pissed.  Enraged.  And I let loose.  I know that I should be more careful as I'm an at-will employee, but I'm not a careful woman.  The best metaphor I've got to this situation is that yes, the US troops needed to leave Afghanistan, but it should never have happened the way it did, with harming innocents and leaving those who have supported us in danger, so poorly planned and executed.  That's melodramatic, but suffice to say that i have zero faith in management doing anything well. 

thank goodness for those productive days

 I really like being productive. I know it's not the meaning of life, but it gives me a lot of satisfaction.  A purpose. 

I've finally recovered from that really big work project.  Good to know how long the recovery takes for future reference.  About two weeks.  

Friend came over today and we powered through a bunch of things.  Put in dog door.  Hung TV on the wall.  Hung all the art I've collected lately for free.  We'd tried last weekend and I was just too not ok.  But now I am.  I dug up a lot of black plastic that had been laid in the yard.  I finished a big section today (like maybe 450 sq ft or so) and then realized there is a lot more to go.  I'm super aggravated it's there, the soil underneath it looking dead.  I have my work cut out for me, to rejuvenate this soil.  And I'm gaining the knowledge to do it.  Those 15 cubic yards of leaves and the heaps of woodchips are going to do so much.

Digging deep into the documentaries.  Started Dirt: The Movie, and now I'm watching the Back to Eden Garden film.  It's a lot of God and Jesus.  That's fine.  I don't have Christianity trauma.  

We're starting to ramp up to the kitchen project, thinking through the steps.  I think we'll remove upper cabinets and backsplashes first, do the wall patching and painting, then move to the side across from sink, leaving removing the sink until last, and starting there first with the replacements.  My house is going to be a mess for sure; super grateful for a double car garage to put everything.  I think I'll get shelving to put all my dishes and food; it shouldn't be too bad.  I barely just moved in.  And I lost a crate or two along the way with some kitchen things and tools I'm missing and will need to replace.  

I"ve canceled Ikea appointments twice already but I'll definitely go next weekend and check out all my options.  I need to put some brainpower this week to more research. 

convincing myself to garden differently

 I just made the decision to not put in raised garden beds and I'm feeling kind of good about it.  

Two main things at play here that I like to avoid: commitment and spending money.  

I have a great distributor of beds and I went and checked them out.  My friend got from there many years ago and they hold up great.  I measured my yard and figured out plans, but ... I just wasn't really feeling it, not really.  I'm not really certain of where I want to commit to beds being.  I don't know this property well enough.  And yes, I can move beds, but what a pain in the ass. And where the deeper beds go for root crops - deciding that now is so much front-loading. 

And yes, I've saved money for this purpose, but I was easily going to drop $2K on this project.  That's a lot of lettuce.  I'd rather spend that money on more fencing so the dog and I can hang in more areas.  I'll put up a barrier of some sort around planting areas so the dog knows where not to go. 

So the plan is this.  I'll get 15 cubic yards of leaves to spread all around.  To nourish my fruit trees and to smother grass in most areas.  I'll bring in some rich garden soil to mound up on top of the leaves for some enhanced drainage, and I"ll play with where these beds go over the next seasons.  I'll put woodchips down between the planting rows.  (And I should have heaps of woodchips from the huge sweet gum coming down soon.)  

This leads to another sea change in my gardening norms: no-till.  I've read heaps of good reasons not to till the soil but that is so contrary to what I have learned since I was a baby (I was raised by farmers).  With this plan, I won't be tilling.  That's also pretty exciting.

I know that this is kind of "duh" to most people.  But I have pretty much always used raised beds for gardening and there's a lot to like about it.  This is a really significant change in how I will do things and I'm kind of excited to make it work for me. 

The other thing is that TBH it's not easy for me to get up from kneeling, which is why a lot of people pt in raised beds to reduce that bending over and kneeling.  But those actions are good for me.  I'm only in my 50s and I am pretty able-bodied and this is not an accommodation that I need to be making now.  Maybe in 20 years if I'm still here and body parts keep breaking down I will need a high raised bed like Friend has that are so easy to just reach into.  But I'm not there yet.  

And all this has reminded me about the garden I put in, so I'm headed over to Friend's for more zucchini and beans.  I gave away what I had because I wasn't in a space to process, but I'm feeling better this weekend.

old taste, new taste

 More than 30 years ago, I landed in Germany.  I stayed for awhile with friends of a person I knew, and I still appreciate her approach to food.  She grew a lot of the food and then used it simply and deliciously.  I remember her going out in snowy weather and digging around until she found a forgotten red cabbage that she made into a salad.  And I remember quince.  I remember the aroma of them in the bowl on the table, I remember them stewed for dessert, and I remember preserves.  There was likely more, but those images stay with me.  Such a fragrance.

And so I am waiting for a message back to go get a big box full of quince that she picked from her brother's house.  What will I do with all these quince?  Well, first I"ll make a plov, so I need to get some lamb and rice for that.  I've been craving plov for years.  And then I'll make a dessert to share, and then I'll can some preserves, and maybe can some up to use in the future for desserts.  

Delightful.

And if I can get a person to reply who said she has heaps of Concord grapes to give away, I'll be making and canning grape juice and jelly.  I'd never had a Concord grape until I had one in my backyard, and oh my what wonderful flavor!  And I can taste those antioxidants.  I don't usually drink juice, but t'll be a healthy drink through the winter.  And someone else is giving me a bunch of jars. 

And in another perfect errand, I went to get something and found jelly bags on clearance.  Making this even easier!  

The universe is abundant!

a perfect errand

 I shut my computer an hour before the end the workday.  The very stressful project that made me work so many extra hours is over and I wanted to celebrate by driving out to a place only open until 5 pm.  Some nice cedar garden beds on a good sale await.

I pulled up and parked, and before I could even get out of the car a man pulled up in a golf cart to make sure I knew where I needed to go.  I wandered around and saw some cool things and then made it to the garden bed section where I figured out what I need.  They are all planted and something smelled really good.  The raspberry trellis was set up nice and I even got to eat a few berries, and then I saw a little frog living his good life.

I went to the office to talk details and saw some tables which are exactly what I'd been wanting and they're on sale!  For a quite nice price.  

That right there is a perfect errand. 

I'm setting myself up for more tomorrow.  I have a lot of catching up to do with life because of work, and I plan to do it. Got my optometrist appointment and a plumber coming to hopefully install an outdoor spigot and the tree cutting guy I really like (and the dog does too) all lined up over the next few weeks.  OH, need to nail down the stump grinder guy.  

And heaps of yardwork to do.  PUll out all the fucking plastic somebody laid down and then covered with dirt.  Cut grass. Remove garden beds in bad spots full of weeds.  

Friend came over today and dropped some things off, and as we were standing chatting by the salvia, a hummingbird came down.  He's big and fast and he keeps staring at me.  I think it's the same one that sometimes chews me out when it sees the dog.  I always feel like I've received such a gift when a hummingbird wants to be near but this one is a little spooky how much it stares at me.  Did it think I was a big salvia because I'm wearing a red shirt?  It honestly seems like a person trapped in the body. I've clearly been watching to much TV to think such fanciful things.  I think it's an Anna's hummingbird.

For someone who couldn't sleep last night until far too late because of nerves, I'm feeling pretty great.  Though my awful team member absolutely must go.