still here

 Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.  Not here for the colonization and imperialism, but for the fellowship and food.  Going out to a newly-rebuilt house of friends whom I've known now for four generations, some I see regularly and others I haven't seen since a wedding a few years back.  It'll be a nice time.

I'm pretty overwhelmed with life now.  My kitchen remodel is in progress so we're living in a construction zone.  This weekend's plans are to finish the soffit removal (it's been a beast) and start the drywall process and also remove lower cabinets for electrician coming on Monday to install more outlets and such.  It's a huge mess and plastic tries to keep the kitchen contained, but it's all just a mess.  

And work?  Oof, too many 14 hours days and intense times.  There is also a profound sorrow in the work I do and I'm a cog in the machine and it's sometimes just so much.  Yesterday was too much and I'm reeling on a fundamental level.  If I were not doing this work then somebody else would be and they would definitely be less compassionate and forward-thinking than me, and so I know it's good that I'm here.  And personally it's good because the money is good and I'm good at it and keep improving which is something that satisfies me.  But it is devastating and were are swimming in thick trauma.  

I have worked most of my life with trauma and I've had a sort of buffer because of how I am - always a bit removed.  This is hitting me harder, perhaps because I have more power now and I take that very seriously, but I do not have enough power to make necessary systems change only at individual levels.  Perhaps because I feel connected to some colleagues through whom trauma flows.  

And so I understand why my job has such high turnover.  This is not fun.  

And I need to figure out ways to deal with this within myself, to keep moving forward.  I am hopeful the 14-hours days will reduce once I actually get good support staff and once we're fully staffed.  It's too much and I'm exhausted.  I'm experiencing anxiety around sleep for the first time and that is a vicious cycle.  My dog is worried about me and keeps lying on my chest, so I should probably get my heart checked out.  I am not making healthy choices because I'm so overwhelmed.

Oh and on top of a very challenging job and a kitchen demo/remodel, I'm totally redoing my yard now.  Because I don't have enough on my plate?  I have some fellows coming on Saturday to do some prep, and I know they will be able to finish in a day what would frankly take me three months to do since I have little time and energy free to spend.  But I'll be there in a support role, prepping cardboard and hauling mulch, and Friend will be here trying to get those soffits fully removed.  I've backed off some yard plans, but I have about 30 cubic yards of leaves and chips to get spread, some weedy areas to root out, much of a large tree to still deal with, and I need to prepare the area so that I can get a fence put in. 

It's just a lot, much of my own doing.  This is a season to withdraw and relax, but I'm powering through and running on fumes.  Hopefully within the next couple of months I'll get things completed.  And I'm planning to take off from work the last week of December.  Maybe some other days here and there through December as it's less busy than usual.  Just have to get through the next week. And I need to stop myself from starting up the bathroom remodel right away.  It desperately needs to be done but I need a break, and it functions now. 

OK, I think I'll take the dog for a walk and then get a few chores done before I head out to friends' cabin.  I really hope their kids aren't sick; maybe I'll take a mask.  

I'm grateful for this life even when I'm exhausted and in trauma.