coffee filters

 I track my time by simple things, like boxes of coffee filters.  I get boxes of 100, which is about three months worth.  So most of my adult life has been use of about five or six boxes and then I move on.  I like moving on; I spent all my childhood in an isolated community, reading and dreaming about the big world, so I want to experience all of it.

It feels strange now though because I'm about seven boxes in and there's no immediate escape plan.  I plan on forcing myself to stay for at least another three and a half years, probably more, to save more money.  

With inflation and such, I've drastically increased my estimation of my need for retirement savings.  I used to think that when I got to $500K in 401k and a paid off house and vehicle, I would be good because I'll additionally have some small pensions and social security eventually.  

Now?  I think it's a scarier world.  To start, my house now cost three times what my house in New Orleans cost, plus in New Orleans my house had an apartment and that rent paid most of my mortgage.  I had a built-in revenue stream and that was fantastic.  I could have retired there with that plan - except of course, climate change and hurricanes and the like.  I don't regret leaving, but I realize now that I need a whole lot more money and will need to work longer than I'd hoped.  I think now that I need a total of over a million in net worth before I can retire (my house is a huge chunk of that).  That's quite a lot longer working than I'd hoped for, and it's tough because I don't know how to really know when I'm ready.  I have no idea how long I"ll live (not too much longer with these triglyceride levels, I fear) or what my needs will be and how expensive they will be.  And tbh, I don't want to make a mistake and have to go back to work in my late 60s or later.  I will not get another job that pays this well when I'm that age nor do I think I'd have the stamina for it.  There are many people who have stamina in their 70s for complicated, difficult work - but I'm struggling in my mid-50s.  Chikungunya and malaria frankly wrecked me.  Though I'm much better than I was.  So I really need to stick it out where I am until I feel a comfortable retirement savings is accrued. 

And tbh, I feel better about that today than I have at some points in the past - I do not feel strangled by the immorality of it today.  Today I am realizing how much power I have and how I need to wield it more gently.  I watched season 2 of The Diplomat, and my friend who provides me my free Netflix keeps insisting that I am exactly like the Ambassador - which is flattering and true in some ways, such as my easy annoyance and simple ways.  And disarming - I am definitely that and I have walked into numerous centers of power ushered in because of that, which is less charm and more seeming to be inept but good-intentioned.  (I spent a summer interning in Washington DC with an organization that had tried for AGES to get an audience with an influential senator; I made one phone call where I was not even a constituent but sort of bumbling and well meaning, and I got us an appointment right off, and they wanted me at the meeting, not just the fancy DC people.  I do not like DC and its smooth people, so I was a breath of fresh air to some.)  But I had a number of conversations yesterday that reminded me I am not just on equal footing with everyone - people scramble to accommodate me.  I frighten some people and they do everything I ask immediately.  That's ... a tremendous responsibility.  I need to take that more seriously and not be so cavalier and off the cuff.  So, this is a puzzle for me to work on solving (how to be my authentic self and not be abusive), something to improve on, and that keeps my attention.  Plus the job itself is always a puzzle - it's a complicated, taxing job, and it always will be.  Though right now I feel more on top of it than the past year and half.  Practice makes ... less stressful. There's always a lot to it.

Probably much of why I'm feeling more on top of it is that I haven't had brain fog in quite awhile.  Praise be, because that is scary AF for somebody who makes her money off her brain.  So even though the inflammation in my body is extremely high, it still seems that the past three healthy months have paid off at least in that brain regard.  Even when I sleep for shit, I've been mostly ok.  I have a big work event coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm not freaked out about it, I'm just going step by step and I think I'll be ok though may have to put in some weekend hours closer to it because my M-F 8-5 schedule is quite full.  

So, I'm probably looking at about 20 more boxes of coffee filters before my next move.   

I slept late this morning, past 8 am, so I'm running later than I'd anticipated.  I need to hit the farmers market and do a heap of healthy meal planning and preparation, and then I really need to get rolling on these kitchen drywall repairs that I've been putting off for so long.  I just really really hate the mess of it, but I need to do it.  It's dreary and raining outside, so I'll gear up in my new gumboots and see how they work for me.  

I need to get my vaccinations but they always make me sick, so I don't want to waste a weekend on them so I keep putting them off.  The arthritis in my hands has been getting worse, so I need to stop typing for awhile.  

Off we go.  Cauliflower and greens and we'll see what other deliciousness awaits.