who I am

 I'm reading Atomic Habits.  Not far in, but he's talking about identifying yourself as your goal to make the path to it.  LIke, thinking of yourself as an athlete to enable training.  As a scholar to enable studying.  Etc.  

Now I'm watching Borgen and I love seeing this woman bicycling to the capitol.  Her  ..not locking her bicycle is crazy to me, but the bicycling itself - that I am so into.

I need to remind myself that my identity includes being a bicyclist.  Not for sport, not even for fun, but for commuting.  It is a vehicle that I ride to go to where I need to go.  No nonsense, just swing on the saddle.  Though, truth be told the saddle on my bike is so super uncomfortable for some reason and I probably need to fix that.  I still don't want to bike when it's raining or otherwise inclement, but I am a bicycle commuter  I have the gear, I have the wish, it is me.

And I am a PhD student.  I really really really want to get into it and get finished.  Leave this behind.  I don't know that it will do anything for me but I'm quite close so why not finish.  

And then I can leave.

Today I swung by a friend's house for some things and I saw how shitty this city is.  It's not just the garbage everywhere, not just how horrible the streets are (EVERYONE is getting flat tires, even on brand new cars), not just how rundown everything is.  Not just how poor people are, struggling to exist.  Not just how much violent crime there is.  

New Orleans, I love you, but it is really nearing time for me to go.  

And I would like to stay in my jobIuntil that time.  Which means I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.  I realize that I have intimidated the leadership, and I am fine with that because they are acting arrogantly tyrannical.  But this is just a job, it is not everything.  I am mentoring some young women, and others reached out today to be closer, and those relationships matter, but other things do not.  It's a job, with a paycheck.  It allows me to live my life.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I am a gardener and a vegetable eater, and I need to remind myself about that.  A friend invited me to a party on New Year's Day, but I think I'll just stop by to drop off harvest bounty then make my own hoppin' john and cabbage to ring in the new year.  

I will always carry New Orleans and southern cultural traditions with me.  I have loved this place so deeply, and I very rarely disparage the South.  There are wonderful things about life here, as first explained to me by Flannery O'Conner.  People here are wonderful.  Life is grand.  I have exactly zero regrets about my time here, and it has fundamentally shaped me into a completely different person than I was 15 years ago.  

But I am over muggy Decembers and hurricanes (not just the experience of the storm but paying over $4K/year for insurance on a house I bought for $140K because how else can they afford to insure us?).  I'm over breaking an axle trying to drive home and locking my car doors all the time while looking around (my truck really lacks value but most of the carjackings here aren't just for that - and we have SO MANY carjackings, with victims often murdered).  We're back to almost a murder a day, with so many juvenile perpetrators, and it's heartbreaking.  I can scream about lead poisoning and lack of trauma triage and so many other things leading to these problems, but nobody cares.  Little girls are shot by stray bullets when their moms drive them home and it's just so heartbreaking because it KEEPS HAPPENING.  

So yeah, I'm tapping out.  Jealous of my friends leaving before June.  It's time to go.  I've been a New Orleanian for a decade and a half, and now it's time for me to find another identity.

But first, the scholar in me needs to get in gear.

a Tuesday that's a "Monday"

 When I was in college, I bicycled everywhere.  It was a hand-me-down bike for free, not especially suited for me, but I rode that thing all over the place.  I didn't have a car until after I graduated and needed one to get to work way out in the country and my friend was selling hers for cheap (she'd gotten it used from her brother for cheap, and they both judged me when I later got stuck for over a week in Winslow, Arizona with a cracked engine block).  

Recently when I was back there with friends, the high schooler asked if we would be walking down the street to a restaurant.  "Ha!  We're not the Auntie [Gringa]!  We're driving."  He asked what his mother meant and told him when we lived together that I always biked and walked and sometimes bussed everywhere, but she ALWAYS drove.  

She wasn't wrong, I just hadn't thought about it.  I didn't have a car and I didn't particularly want a car.  I was quite content bicycling all over, even when it gave me heat stroke.  It's just what I did.

Times changed and I lived all over the world.  Lived in places where I used subways and walking, lived in places where I had a driver.  And 20 years ago I bought a pickup that I've had ever since, which i rely on pretty heavily for hauling crap regularly.  

But also I rely on it for average commuting, and I should really knock that off.  I have a perfectly safe route to bicycle between home and work and I even have a bike rack at work now. But now I'm at excuse mode.  Oh, I don't want to bike because it's going to rain today.  Oh, I don't want to bike because I have to errands after work or am meeting someone at my house.  Oh, I don't want to bike because I don't feel well, don't want to exhaust myself further. 

I need to suck it up.  I try hard to reduce my carbon footprint, including inconveniencing myself.  But I can't just get on my bicycle and pedal daily?  

It would also save me about $1.50 each round trip in gas money.  I'm pretty fucking frugal so I'm not sure why this isn't speaking louder to me.  

I know that I am not the same person I was over three decades ago.  I'm nowhere near as energetic.  But I quite need to recapture some of that energy and use it to power through life.  I need to just do it.  And I have my bike with helmet and basket propped in the locked carport, ready to roll.  Does this rain forecast stop me?  I'm still not sure.  

I am grateful that I got a four day weekend and have another one coming up.  I really did power through a lot of things that have been looming over me, even if my house is still a fucking mess and my yard is still weedy and I still haven't painted my wall.  

One thing I've got my fingers crossed for - the roofers are coming tomorrow to inspect AGAIN.  I asked the salesman to please ask the company owner if he would reconsider his policy to only do roofing now.  The logistics of this are annoying me to no end - my garage joists are rotted (crumbling like dust) and need to be replaced. The people who discovered it are unavailable now for a few weeks, and this is just dragging on like crazy.  And having two different groups of people doing work like this is stupid - I don't want to pay $500 twice for two dumpsters (and also don't want to give up another afternoon r three on a dump run), I don't want to pay for tarping to protect decking in case of rain, I don't want to coordinate to reduce lag time (especially because carpenters take way longer than expected because they just watch each other a lot, and their boss is a horrible communicator).  I just want it done.  So, the owner agreed to have a project manager provide an estimate.  Fingers crossed I can afford it and we can move forward when rains stop again.  Having a roof again would be amazing, and then I can hustle on all the other things (ceiling, painting, etc.).  The road remains long, but i have hope again.

I am thrilled that this is a three-day week.  

Oh, I was ready to bike because I thought the rain woudln't come until later today, but that dark cloud is telling me more than the forecast.  Damn.  Well, another time.

crap

I have a designated office with bookshelf and storage shelves - and a desk.  It's been set up for what, about six months?  And it is covered in crap.  Today's task is to go through every piece of paper and file appropriately.  I need to do a lot of other things, but I will stick with this until done.  Though taking a break right now. 

Lots of things, from my travel plans in April to get here, to cancelled homeowners insurance from the move, to old car registrations, to info guides for all the new appliances, to old business cards.  I recently purchased a paper shredder which makes disposal much easier now (and I use the shredded paper in compost).

But why I have to pause is all the hurricane Ida related crap and flashbacks.  I'm charging up my phone battery backup ... just in case.  I'm sorting through all the roof quotes.  Correspondence.  Insurance checks.  

In August I was at a transition stage, ready to actually move into this space.  Nature had other plans.  And so now I'm trying.  

I'm clearing the desk so that I can use it for dissertation things.  I'm sorting and putting away the office room in order to not feel overwhelmed with crap.  I do not need my dog's lifejacket and everything else laying around.  It needs to get put away, but also findable in case we go on a boat or are caught in another water disaster.  I do not need three flashlights on an average Saturday, but I sure as fuck do during a disaster.  Because as I learned in August/September, two backups is the appropriate amount for all the things that stop working when you're living without electricity for weeks.  (And yes, having a gas stove made all this so much easier in the past, but I'm not spending the money to get gas piped to my house.)  

***

1 pm and I have gotten a lot done (been at it since before 8 am) and still have more.  Sheesh this is a full day task which I had not anticipated or calendared.  But now is the time to do it, with four-day weekends.  It sucks to have so little free time otherwise; I do not have an ten-hour block usually available to me to get projects completed without having to do so many other things.  Like go to work.  Sleep.  Eat.   Our world demands too much of single people.  

Back to it.

***

And now I've cleaned the free rugs.  Yuck.  But better now.  My little portable cleaner isn't made for whole rugs but I made it work with some effort.

I did not get to other urgent matters, but these things also needed to be done.  It's the purpose of long weekends.  More chores.

not about that cheer

 Christmas is not my holiday.  Never has been.  Childhood Christmases are memories of frantic mother (no one could feign helplessness like my father whom I ever heard once say he did not know where the vacuum cleaner was so couldn't help), of gifts falling short (often ordered too late and so catalog photos instead).  The mass consumerism always was distasteful, though I didn't know the concept.  Frenzy of eating all the special things and collapsing in a food coma watching bad movies, telling the other kids about the loot acquired.  

I don't remember my 18th Christmas.  I was in college then.  I think I went to a friend's house near school.  I hated college and dropped out, and I remember the next year: I was living with my toxic best friend in Denver, working at a Dairy Queen.  We were closed on Christmas and coworkers invited me to their houses and I politely declined and instead I sat and read books and it was wonderful.  We lived in a creepy apartment complex with a couple upstairs who always drunkenly fought, and I remember a neighbor seeing me sitting and reading trying to invite me over, but I wanted just to be alone and read.  I remember it being the first Christmas I really liked.

And I've done a lot of different Christmases all over with lots of different people.  One of my best friends insisted I join them and her crazy stepmother pulled together gifts at the last minute that was so sweet and creative.  Her stepmother was always nice to me but I guess she was psycho to others.  Well, we had Christmas.

But mostly I really like to have a quiet day alone.  Go nowhere, do nothing except read.  

REcently I said something to a coworker about how Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and she gasped.  "No, Christmas is the best!  It's Jesus's birthday!"

Obviously I cannot have a conversation with that, so I let her have it and walked away.  What do facts have to do with faith?  Not much. 

So I'm happy to spend this Christmas in a hammock reading a book with a dog by my side.  It's perfection.  I'll make some eggnog French toast and call it good. 

this magical life

 First day off on a four-day weekend and I'm feeling good, grateful for the abundance of my life.  Little things.  Having a large sunny backyard to hang laundry, an heirloom yogurt starter to make yogurt, a tasty sourdough starter to make bread.  An oven and a washing machine that work.  Means to repair and purchase if needed.  

Mostly: freedom to leave or stay or do whatever I want.  The world is full of vast opportunities and I can seize as many as I can - nothing holds me back if I don't want it to.  

Grateful for this body that usually holds up.  I hauled a heavy load to the dump yesterday, and while I don't know that I always want to spend three hours myself doing such things in the future - because time is such a luxury - I'm also very grateful for the pickup truck and strength to do it myself.  One guy at the dump was very friendly and we even dapped with our begloved hands.  Later today I'll go get cement mix and repair a fence hole myself because I can.  I'll remove squash vines and plant some more things - maybe some nasturtiums for fun - and make challah for eggnog French toast tomorrow.  I'll keep working on my qualifying exam questions, to finish this weekend.  I'll clean rugs I got for free, I'll cook vegetables from my yard.  I'll visit with friends (outside, avoiding Omicron), I'll read a lot.  I'll walk the dog, I'll clean the oven, I'll do more laundry on these sunny days.  (I'm having issues with doing laundry during the week because for laundry to get really clean in this new machine it can take like 3 hours, and I don't generally want to get up at 5 to start laundry.  Sometimes I do, but not always.  So I have some backlog of sheets from guests and such.)  I hope to finish the oxalis removal and mulching project of the front yard.  

I'll paint part of the living room, to get rid of the ugly color my tenant friend painted and to install a new thermostat.  That's my big project, and once I do that I will feel more present in this house.  No, I still do not have a roof, and I am frustrated, so I will do what I can do, and I will dream of the future when I have ceilings again and when I can finish painting and set up my house.  I must finish before the next hurricane season, and people outside of here are dismissive when I say that, but Ida was four months ago and almost nothing has been repaired, and hurricane season starts again in five months.  So I have a timeline.  The issue now is the fucking flat roofed garages and how to take care of that.  The roofer recommended a product that is ... not really for roofing and not to go directly on wood decking.  I researched extensively and then spoke with the company who said: "We aren't a roofing company; we're a product innovation firm, looking for different uses for our product."  Yeah, that's not what I'm looking for in a roof and I'm annoyed at how long it took to get the information to make this informed decision.  But, I'm not going to think about that this weekend because I'm not going to harass the salesman who does seem to be a nice enough guy but not super knowledgeable or able to comprehend what I'm saying.  I know I'm difficult, but this is now like an $18,000 project and I want it done how I want it done because that is so much fucking money.  And then when that's done and I can get the windows and fascia really actually finished with those fucking slow guys who just watch each other work, I can move on to repairs to the stairs and house painting and gutters.  And then I can do what I'm going to do myself - rescreening all the window screens, cleaning the windows, re-cording the blinds.  But that's all in the future.  I have enough on my plate right now.  

My poor dog has been sick with something and I don't know what.  She's not herself at all - she's very subdued and fearful.  My brash bold hound is struggling and it is worrisome.  Here's hoping she rallies soon. 

OK, coffee done.  Time to jump into this magical life I've crafted for myself.

buckle down

I'm finally in the place I thought I would be months ago. Ready to rage right through this PhD.  

Working on exam questions and bibliography, need to get it done and sent out.  Need to schedule exam, maybe over a holiday weekend.  Focus back on dissertation proposal, get it ironed out, oral exam.  Boom, I'll be ABD, which is my real goal at this point.

And then dig in.  Do the research.  Write it up.  Get done.  Maybe teach a class in fall, to finish up without paying.  

I want to be done in a year. 

why so weird

 Apparently today an assistant for me was hired.  I had no idea that this was a position opening nor that this was contemplated.  I was not invited to participate in interviews, job description, or anything else.

The truth of it is that I don't mind if they're doing the grunt part of my job.  It's just so very weird to not include me in ANY of this until they're looking for an office for the person.  

It's not weird when seen through the lens of desirable chaos.  It fits in well with the whole not telling anybody what the rules are and then people being in trouble for not following the rules they didn't know.  There are never office emails with information.  Everyone is kept out of every loop.  I was for hours on Friday with the people who knew about it, and we talked about current events and various such things, and never once did they mention things relevant to my actual job.

It is so very very bizarre. 

I know that I threaten the person in charge and he's trying to squeeze me out, and his closest ally fights for me but who knows what the future holds, so I am redoubling my efforts to get rolling on my dissertation.  I need to finish it while I'm working a job with reasonable hours, and that is now.  And also, I'm not buying anything else for here.  Once my friend's cat dies and my PhD is at a good spot, I'll start looking for jobs there.  I'm quarrelling with my mortgage company now and I can't do this for another year.