The heat and poor air quality of the past week is really taking its toll on me. My mood is the most foul, spinning negatively, closely tied to how physically awful I feel. I was ok so long as I stayed home with my air purifiers, but once I had to starting leaving for work, things fell apart. So much pain.
The official monitor says the air quality is better now, though I'm skeptical as I can still see the haze.
So i think this will be a pretty chill weekend. I do have some outdoor chores to do in the garden, and food prep tasks, but I think mostly I'll read books. I have several out from the library. Last time I was there, I picked up The Heat Will Kill You First, non-fiction about climate change, and it's so depressing that I may just return it. Though I'm already in such a very bad mood that I may just keep going to get even worse. There was a chapter about a California family who died of hyperthermia when out for a hike and it's giving me hardcore flashbacks to a summer day in Death Valley. I was driving across the country, as I've now done so many times, and stopped a few spots around there. I got to the hottest part of it midday and decided to go for a walk. It was well over 100 and there was no shade. I've always been prone to heat exhaustion type things - a friend's Chinese mother says it's because I have too much hot energy that I don't address; I would also say that I grew up in a very northern climate where we didn't spend much time above 70 degrees. But this was different. I'm pretty sure my previous dog was with me and that's what saved my life - she was an incredibly smart well-behaved herding dog who often gently nudged people to safety. Though I can't really imagine that I had her out in the heat like that - though, maybe I did. I once caused the pads on her paws to be burned because I didn't understand the impact of hot asphalt. I feel so stupid to say that but ... yeah (though to be fair, she didn't give me any indication it caused her pain, and as soon as I noticed any kind of limp I took her to the vet - so I definitely wasn't intentionally neglectful, just really stupid). So I was out walking in this brutal heat that was reflecting off the salt pan, and I got like almost euphoric and started taking off my clothes and wandering off where I intended to go, decided I didn't need water anymore, and various other breakdowns of brain functioning. Now, I don't think I would have died because I wasn't super remote and I'm pretty sure somebody would have come upon me and realized how incredibly stupid I was and called for emergency services. Though I'm not sure how quickly hyperthermia kills - maybe I wouldn't have had a window for rescue. Anyway, if I remember correctly, my dog herded me back to the car and we cooled off. But maybe it was just her spirit keeping me safe because I can't actually recall her there. She kept me safe so many times, from bear and moose and porcupines (almost walked straight into one in a tree that she barked me away from), etc. etc. She was such a good dog, I never had to worry about her behaving appropriately.
ANYWAY. I have hundreds of stories about how stupid I am and how it's ridiculous that I'm still alive, but that one for sure stays with me as recognizing how quickly I became delusional is striking.
And climate change is scary AF. When I lived in this town 35 years ago, nobody ever needed air conditioning. Now? It was the first thing I did when I bought this house and I'm so glad I did. Tbh I could survive most of the summer without it because I can open up my house to cool off at night, and I have heavy curtains to keep heat out, etc. But when the smoke comes and I'm not opening my house up no matter what, it's a different tale and I'm soooo glad for the AC. Which is blowing on me right now.
With this current political climate, we're all just trying to survive. I am horrified at how many people are being charged with "conspiracy" now for various non-conspiratorial acts, which are legitimate and legal acts of civil disobedience. And i know that I need to join in, but I'm actually afraid of all that I have to lose, and that is horrifying that I'm unwilling to put my life on the line to fight against authoritarianism because I don't want to be tear gased, beaten, shot, held in jail and unable to care for my dog, lose my job and home and retirement savings. I can't even handle wildfire smoke and unhealthy food without falling apart, how can I handle any of what is being done to protestors? And that fucking sucks when I'm that honest with myself.
The one good thing is that I now see the trend of having to push back. Don't accept a plea, go to trial, appeal, sue civilly, fight every fight. We still have shreds of democracy left and that pushback is working.
and I should know this already. 20 plus years ago I went to an island nation that was not legal for me to go to, and I was reported, and got a very scary letter from the federal government about all the punishments coming my way if I didn't just confess. So I hired an expensive lawyer in DC who said he could get it pled down in a way that didn't destroy my future, and I was literally on my way to mail a letter that did exactly that, when I got a call from a legal organization person that I'd emailed earlier. I pulled into the gas station parking lot next to where I'd planned to mail the letter and took the call, and the guy was like NO, THAT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, AT ALL. He advised me to continue to be disobedient, which is all I needed to hear.
People throughout my life have described me as disobedient, but the truth is that I'm pretty much a rule-follower. I pay taxes, I try to follow the speed limit (especially if there are any safety concerns), I don't commit violent acts on anyone though sometimes I may fantasize about it. I work within the system because it pretty much works for me as someone with a lot of privilege (white, educated).
But I do also get pretty riled up when my constitutional rights are violated, and I took the advice of the legal organization, and I wrote back to the letter threatening to prosecute me citing which articles of the Constitution were being violated and how I would fight them. Another big factor in me going this direction was I was not going to rat out my travel companion who had more to lose than me - and he has now a wonderful life, more than he ever imagined before we became friends and I nudged him to do all the things he dreamed of - and I simply would go to prison before reporting him, which the government was requiring I do.
The truth is, I'm small potatoes, and adding any friction to this prosecution made it not worth their while, and I got a scolding letter back about "don't do it again" but that they were dropping their investigation into me. I wonder if I still have that letter.
And this friction theory still holds true, especially when people with privilege are yielding the monkey wrenches.
Someday we will be too far gone and the friction won't be enough. We're not there yet and we need to gum up the tyrannical works every chance we get.
But most of us are too unwilling to give up our comfort. I'm in that number. Yes, I show up at protests with a sign, but then that kills a whole weekend because of the physical pain I'm in from having done that. Last time I physically blocked a car trying to drive through a group of protestors by positioning myself directly in front of it and staring down the driver while yelling at them to stop, they do not have the right of way. I'd like to think that fear doesn't always guide me, but the older and more fragile I become, the more it does. I do think though that there will be a tipping point when I truly don't give a fuck anymore and will be cannon fodder for a principle. That's not today, though.
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