... and home

 Trip was totally worth it, glad I pushed myself.  The hike last night was pretty rough going down and I was nervous as it was heading towards dusk and steep back up, but my rule is: up is always easier.  Pushing into a challenge is where I thrive.  

Creatures were helping to support; stopped at a ranger station and a chipmunk and butterflies welcomed me.  Camp had lizards (my favorite - LOVE THEM) and frogs (love them even more!) and snake.  The one friendly person there had warned me about a juvenile rattler without rattles to warn, so I wasn't surprised to see him, and he was gone when I passed back.  I instinctively know rattlesnakes - I spent all my summers with them in Kansas, often handled them when headless.  Now I'm sad for all we killed but I understand the fear of all the walkers not being wise (my grandmother owned a tourist attraction where I spent my summers).  

The camp itself is a nice setup BUT the acoustics are no joke.  I'd planned to have an early night but people who'd put in tents after mine, near me, were loud.  Just one of them was loud, and her voice carried so bad, I could hear every word she said, and none of her words were meaningful or useful.  She's an idiot, and mostly I say that because I'm exhausted.  She did shut up before mandatory quiet hours thank god, but I still didn't sleep well.  The sleeping mat was on its inaugural voyage and I don't love it.  I also realized I'd put up the tent at a slope so that didn't help.  My tent is showing signs of age - I've had it for .. god, have I had it for 30 years?  It's been a long time for sure, and the material is showing some degradation, the poles are bent, etc.  It's still good for awhile but I may start looking to replace it.  It worked fine.  The main problem was my bladder - I have a very good bladder and never have to get up in the night ... until recently.  And then yesterday because it was so hot and dry when I arrived, I drank a ton of water and felt like I needed to pee but nothing came out.  So when I got the message again later, I didn't believe it, and I really didn't want to schlepp all the way back to the restrooms, so I tried to ignore it, and then I couldn't sleep.  So, mostly I stupidly fought with myself.

I was the first person up in the campground; there were maybe ... 40 people?  Most are rockclimbers but not all.  Made a good cup of coffee and watched the sun rise (it was not a colorful one but still no regrets), had some tuna that I'd canned for breakfast, and off I went to more hiking.

Here's something I realized: women of my age think we're invincible, and so they were all recommending really arduous hikes.  Well, arduous for me.  No, I'm not intending the hike 11 miles on a trail with very challenging conditions today, thank you very much.  Three different women of about my age did that type of recommendation, and one last year ("sure, it's a hard hike, but it's not impossible").  But the men were more at my level - the man yesterday with the rattlesnake knowledge (they saw other adult rattlers too), and then one today.  I'd stopped at a sign that was broken off and pulled out my map to see what was missing, and an older man who was very geared up (sun protective clothing, walking poles, water, etc.) and clearly knew the area very well (perhaps a ranger off-duty?) asked if he could help.  When I explained my confusion he said that was the shortcut path that was very challenging, and encouraged the main path and told of what it connected to.  Do I want to go down very loose rock at a very steep angle?  I DO NOT.  I thanked him.  He wished me a good day, saying it's a special time of day that early in the morning, as though he knew exactly what I was up to - I wanted to enjoy the stillness of the massive rocks, I didn't need to do rigorous activity to feel alive.  

Back in the day, I hiked quite a bit.  In high school I lived with mountains and I walked and hiked a lot.  I continued that when I lived in Europe, and I think it only really stopped when living in New Orleans.  There's no hiking there.  I did walk around a lot the first time I lived there, but after I came back after diseases, I never really picked it up again.  And I haven't picked it up since.  Sometimes I've had friends encouraging me to go out with them but I decline or require an easy path.  One reason I got the dog was because I wanted a walking companion, but she's a reactive aggressive beast who's actually cut my walking.  (And yes, I tried many trainers and the like to try to chill her out, but I just have to manage her to keep everyone safe.)  

**

I slept 9.5 hours last night with only one interruption (the dog needed to go out at midnight) and it was glorious.  I'm still dealing with brain fog from the pattern of too little sleep, but hopefully I'll be catching up and getting right.  

It's already Friday which has me super bummed - I could use a whole month off work, easily.  And all the aches and pains are hitting fully, as I limp around bent over (feet and back mostly).  I do very much want to rally and get some outside work done.  And finish a book, pick up a new one (that doesn't have to be today).  Clean the house thoroughly.  I unpacked mostly from the trip but I didn't finish all the putting away yet, so first that.  Hoping this coffee gives me some life.  I plan to start another batch of bread today, want a stash in the freezer as I have some busy times ahead.  Pick more dry beans?  Probably yes, as rain is supposed to return tomorrow.  Friend is stopping by after work to give a hand with the items needing to be donated (couch, table).  

Friend said that the dog was on her best behavior while there, and I've also been seeing a lot of best behavior - she's being so sweet and attentive.  But mostly she's just off sleeping.  She's exhausted with life.  And the stress of leaving her there takes a toll - as soon as I walked in the house I could smell her stress scent, very strong, and when she's stressed it affects her stomach as well.  So I definitely feel torn, with wanting to get out and explore more and wanting to be home with her and not stress her out.  I think the compromise is to only do day trips for now.  If it will be a long day trip, Friend can hopefully stop by to let her out.  But the overnighting away is very hard on her.  This poor dog has so much internal stress from the trauma of her early life, I just want things to be comfortable for her.  When i drove away the other day and heard her distraught screaming to leave her not at home, it broke my heart.  

So I want to commit to more hiking, get into better shape.  I need to get some better shoes for sure.  And I want to commit to more weight loss to make that easier.  I want to push past this plateau and ideally lose another 40 pounds, though I'd be ok with another plateau at 20 pounds.  I want to increase activity.  

I really need to stop letting work take all my best energy.  I need to be more disciplined about that.  Though, I've been trying.  I have a scant resource of energy and my job is super challenging for everyone who does it.  That's why it pays well.  I think the off-ramp is the only solution for that issue.  But also, better fitness could also perhaps help.  I've never found exercise to give me energy, only drain it.  I remember when I trained for the Los Angeles marathon and was very active - I didn't feel any better.  I just use that as an objective measure, though that was 24 years ago, pre-diseases so I felt much better.  

Here's another reason I want to stop earning a lot of money (the primary reason is that the stress of this job is killing me): taxes.  I paid $26K in federal taxes last year.  In this horrific time of Trump, I want to opt out of that shit.  I'm not going to break the law by refusing to pay taxes as some do, but I can definitely stop earning much.  Simplify life as a form of objection.  My life is already pretty simple but can be more so.  The big issue is housing - 67% of my spending is on housing.  But of course, I'm also saving 42% of my takehome pay.  I do feel like most of the rest of spending is pretty locked down - $200/month for car (all expenses including insurance, maintenance, gas, etc.).  $50/month for dog; $400/month for food for me.  I added $200/month for health because of the concierge doctor; doubt I'll be renewing that charge.  Utilities are $300/month average (which would be a lot higher if I hadn't invested in heat pumps).  I do give myself $400/month of "miscellaneous" for everything from garden to clothing, though I only have spent on average $136/month this year.  I do maximize coupons and rebates and "credit card points" and such to keep that low.  I think the only big item I've spent on this year was a fancy vacuum cleaner.  Once the dog is gone, I could get a roommate or two, though the house isn't set up well for that and I haven't ever slept well when I have guests.  Though when there's no more dog it's unlikely I'll stay in this house.  For instance, there's an intentional community outside of town that I mean to visit; I know a leader there and always learn a ton from her.  Their values are a little extreme to me (no wifi or cell phones allowed), but it's intriguing.  

OK, coffee is nearly finished, time to move into this day.  

Oh, that reminds me - one bad thing from the trip is that when I got out of the tent in the morning, I stumbled and fell.  I've been having issues with vertigo and mobility first thing in the morning and I need to work on that.  I'm still able to control when I'm falling usually - I can't always stop the fall entirely, but it goes into slow-mo and I can twist my body to the least damaging fall.  Like, I didn't want my head to fall on one of the rocks so I turned so my abdomen did and my hands and knees landed first.  

This whole trip was a reality check that it's not too late for me to be healthier, but the window is closing.  I need to prioritize that.  Another friend of a friend died the other day; diagnosed with cancer just a few months ago and passed before he could even enter hospice.  Life is fucking short and I need to spend it how i want.  I'm going to go snuggle my dog now and then head outside, to enjoy the life I have.   

basta

 This week has been really hard - so draining, and then more draining. 

I think it's probably the best thing I can do for myself to quit next year.  I mean, it's a colossally bad financial decision, I know that.  So, so bad.  I'll never get another job like this.  

But my coworker's husband was just diagnosed this afternoon with diastolic heart failure, and not much time on Google is showing me that's not good, only 45% survival at five years.  She's shellshocked, of course. 

But this job is likely to kill me in a similar way.  This stress is so hard on me.  It's compounded because I am a correctionist - I'm not a perfectionist, I know things cannot be perfect, but I want things done correctly whenever possible.  And there are millions of things swirling at me all the time, I can't keep up.  I'm tapped out all the time.  

I worry about regrets later, but I've never really regretted leaving before.  

But if I can stay just over one more year longer than that, then I wouldn't have to go back to school.  I was looking at school schedules and they seem to stack classes two days a week which in theory is nice, but the reality is my dog needing to get out.  I mean, she can probably hold it for eight hours but she's only getting older and that's not great, but she's such a jackass that if I just leave her with the dog door available, chances are high she'd just bark all day (I'm on the corner of a very high-pedestrian area).  I've been able to arrange my work now so that Friend only needs to very rarely stop by to let her out. 

I would just love if somebody would give me a big chunk of money and then I could quit, no worries. 

Because also, I don't *really* want to go back to school.  I mean, it's a solution to the problem (this job is killing me), but it's not a passion to return AGAIN.  

I do need to decide within the next few weeks though because of steps to take with application and an early due date.  

Work is so stressful and I really want to take off early today when Dear Friend gets here.  Her job is also so stressful and she's hoping to take off early and get here by 3 or 4 today.  My dog would absolutely let her in the house even if I weren't here, but she prefers I'm here.  She believes me that the dog is a wild, unpredictable beast, even though the dog has been really good with her the past few visits.  

Also, I get to go pick up some flour today from the local mill, locally grown grain.  I just communicated with the mill about pickup.  They have different types of flours which is fun for me - I'm getting one that's apparently easy to grow (it's cheaper) and is old-style, more yellow.  The person at the mill said it's a good one.  I think I'll go on the lunch hour, when hopefully a library book will also be available for me.  

And the mill person responded saying that if I can't make it during their open hours, if I know I'm coming she can leave it out for me on a covered porch.  AND THAT RIGHT THERE is why I buy local!  

**

Dear Friend rolled in Friday afternoon and we've been in the kitchen.  We spent all of Saturday on salsa (it takes hours) and then pickles.  We need to finish the pickles today but first we're going to our favorite bakery.  The dog is so happy she's here, very well-behaved and sweet; they're cuddled together on the couch.  

That day in the kitchen whupped our butts - we're exhausted and sore, and feeling lazy today.  

I'm reading How to Be a Rich Old Lady and i'm so far underwhelmed.  The tone of the author is annoying to me (all her little side jokes which are too many and not very funny).  I'm about 20% in and I haven't learned anything yet.  I know this is written for people earlier in their financial journey than me, so I keep going.  I've been tracking my spending in budget categories since the 1980s, and never have carried a credit card balance (except occasionally years ago when on 0% offers and knew I could pay it off before that ended).  She's talked about maximizing earning potential and I did that by coming to this job, so that's not relevant to me.  Now she's talking about retirement accounts but I already know all this basic information.  I"ll keep going, but hopefully we get to something interesting for me soon, because the jokes have long worn thin.  

And now we've finished the pickles, yay.  She's going to make lentils for dinner, I made cucumber salad.  

We do have an order for tuna on Tuesday morning to pick up to can, so that's exciting.   

Back to thinking about school, it seems like a good idea.  I mean, it's not financially a great plan to quit a high-paying job, but this is who I am - frugal and whimsical.  Why not get another degree when I'm 60 years old?  And yes, I'd love to have a million dollars saved before I retire, but what good will that do if the stress of the job kills me first?  And what if I hate school?  It's possible.  I won't get my job back, I'm certain.  There must be files about how difficult I am to preclude me being rehired.  That's ok.  There are at least two other states I can go to easily - the jobs don't pay as well but they're jobs.  If I have to do that.  And I could sell my house and buy another house for cash elsewhere.  

**

I think that the fundamental question I'm grappling with is: who am I?  As I'm aging, I'm not the strong person I used to be, but what if I stop sitting for work?  My nature is independent but I recognize the value of community and cooperation - when Dear Friend gave me a hand with woodchip hauling, it was faster than half the time; she was overwhelmed with pickle steps and I took over the brine and other tasks, and it was much easier.  I make good money now, but I hate my job, and am I the kind of person who values comfort or freedom?  The older I get, the more I like comfort - a paid off house and a robust retirement account would be amazing - but I am at my core a freedom-seeking rolling stone.   

Long ago I was friends with someone who had a real job and a consulting gig which is how I met her; we became really good friends, even kayaking the Everglades together.  She was so careful with how she stitched together a comfortable life and she was astounded with how reckless I am - how I just jump with no plan.  Even as a woman in my 50s, I often just quit and leave and believe I'll find the means to support myself.  And even in my last job, which paid 25% of what I earn now, i did just fine.  I adjust to the means that I actually have - my house in New Orleans was far from fancy, but it worked well for me.  The friend bought things that she considered investments, like a condo in Florida that was destroyed in a storm, which would set her back.  I'm not trying to be rich, just have enough.  Someday I won't be able to leap to a new gig.  Or will I?  Yesterday Dear Friend and I were at a very good candy shop and one of the women was clearly older, past retirement age.  Can I get a gig like that if needed?  Or something else (preferably not with sugar).  I can't work in a flour mill and throw 60 pound bags around in a dusty environment, but there are other things.  I saw a new hire at my local department store struggle with how to run a cash register, and even on my worst brain fog days I could do that.  

But it's a lot more than that in the analysis.  It's that I want to have the freedom to fight the horrors we're living through, in some way.  

I'm reading Yellow Pine, which is about a woman grappling with similar issues - not wanting to play the games for a paycheck or to perpetuate the destruction of the environment, and fighting back.  I'm barely into it but I can already tell I want to read it while camping so I'm tucking it into that bag.  I do still plan to go camping tomorrow even though the forecast is 86 high, which is too high for me but I can seek shade.  I think there's a path on a river bed which is shadier, and then the next morning when early I can do the more exposed trail.  I do not believe I can do the challenging trail that I really want to do - that will have to wait for another time when I'm in better shape.  I may try it and see how far I can get though.  I also want to stop at a ranger station along the way - I always get really great info at those places, and it's always been closed when I go past since I'm usually traveling on weekends.  I'd best confirm that Friend can watch the dog for me.  I have my packing list going, it seems exhaustive for a one night trip, but a lot of things are the same regardless of length of time - tent, sleeping bag, lantern to have bright enough light for reading.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to bicycle errands, get all books from the library or swapping, buy whole foods in bulk at a locally-owned store with a local distributor.  I want to enjoy my time, not my money.  Money is nice, but even when I have plenty, I live a simple frugal life because that's what I want for myself.  And I want to protest and take action without losing my job.  

I want to live my values, and I'm too exhausted.   

**

Dear Friend just left, very early.  Loading up her car with those heavy boxes of filled jars shows how much we canned, feeling successful.  I need to start moving to prepping for camping - have some shoes to wash, a watermelon to chop up, salad to make, fridge to clean out, car to load up, etc.  The dog is very sleepy, but she's discovered that she very much likes the new couch.  She was on very best behavior the whole five days, which is quite a feat.  

This week off is going far too quickly.   

It's supposed to be hot at camping today and I plan to arrive at the height of heat.  

Packing takes me longer than it should, though I'm also running slow because I'm so exhausted.  I'm also cleaning out the refrigerator, the garden.  I'm only planning to be gone for like 30 hours, but still.  I caught the garbage for some more dumping before they arrived, so that's good.  

And all the food prep.  Get the cucumbers ready, the dip.  Mix up the tuna (using what we canned ... it's ok).  Need to make the zucchini apple salad.  Picked the plums, they're ready to go.  Chop up the watermelon.  taking some things to Friend's when I drop off the dog.  And I am prepping myself for four meals.  

It's not yet 9 am ... I'm dragging hard.  Wish I could nap but I don't seem wired for that.  I'll aim to drop off dog about 10, hit library, load up cooler, hit the road.  I just don't want to get there tooooo early because of the heat.  Can make stops where it's cooler, for lunch and wander and maybe rest.  

OK, time to roll.  

avoidable bad day

 I received no notice that I would be covering something that turned into an awful shit show because I was unprepared.

The thing is, other people shrug and say that's just what happens.  But me?  I'm really good.  I am able to make things happen how they should IF I have sufficient time to prepare.  So a day like this really sucks, and what really pisses me off is that it was completely avoidable.  My office received two weeks notice.  I got an hour, with most of that time traveling and doing something else.  

And I still did a good job, but somebody was being super unreasonable - she bit off her nose to spite her face and that's on her.  It was stupid for her to do that, so I just shrugged.  Not my problem.  

What's really funny is that somebody wholly unexpected was trying to help me by emailing me things.  He'd yesterday described me to someone as "great," which made me laugh, but clearly he means it if he's trying to help me.

Anyway, I'm super upset about this because with my health, I can't just be thrown this kind of shit.  It fucked up my whole day.  I work very very hard to prepare because that is how I am able to survive.  This kind of thing?  Nope.  

And yes, I did make my feelings about this situation known to both the person who did it to me (she loves to "wing it" and didn't really see a problem) and also to our boss.  I think I made a good point without whining too much.   

The other side that I should mention is that during this shit show, someone who was present was trying to provide an assist to me through emails (that I wasn't reading because I was too focused on what was happening) that actually would have provided help if I'd been able to.  That was super kind of him and a rare type of reaching out.   

**

This situation has spun me out.  I do hard things all the time, but this just felt like the straw to break my back.  When I started, things were even worse, and I've gotten into a better space because of how I prepare.  But to know that other people dropping the ball can so directly harm me is too much.  And then my support staff was being incompetent as usual and I just feel really done.   

I woke up this morning remembering my Plan B (getting another masters degree) with modification that Friend from Grad School had raised (doing side contract work in my current field).  And since i've been informed that I'll actually be vested mid-next-year (I'd thought it was the following year), I could feasibly be applying soon to begin school a year from now.  

I'm doing some quick number running and it does seem like it might be feasible.  If I can get a graduate research gig, which is pretty likely, that should cover most of my living expenses.  I'd have health insurance through that gig.  I'd be able to recast my mortgage - I'd still owe like $100K but if I recast the payments will be significantly lower than now.  So even if I don't make much through my side gig, I could still cover costs.  I wouldn't be able to touch my retirement savings at all, and they would continue to grow (until the market crashes hard, which I know is coming).  

And while cost of living here is very high, I know that I can live in this town frugally - done it before and doing it pretty well now (except for housing because of dog).   Especially if I have more free time.  Woman Who Got Grapes volunteers at an organic farm, for instance, and has tons of free produce which she shared with me.  I keep being offered salvaged food to prepare meals to share, which I could also eat.  My food costs are pretty reasonable already but I could reduce even more.  If I need help covering housing, I could get a roommate (or even two).  Obviously that's problematic with dog, and because I'm grumpy and like my own space, but it's possible if necessary.  But I do think that my side gig could be a somewhat lucrative thing.  

And so then I would finish school in 2 3/4 years from now, and the dog is now probably about 12 years old, so she'd be nearing 15, and surely this dog is not immortal, so i would be free to go where I want then.  And maybe I go back to doing something like what I'm doing now, but very likely not.  Maybe I'd decide that my retirement savings and SS/pensions are enough to work part-time or not at all.  

OK, so plan now.  Stay frugal.  Start seriously looking at grad school application and address any issues (such as faculty recommenders ... it's been too long since I've been in school).  Take next week's vacation to really decide if I'm responding emotionally to a bad day and I'll get over it or if this is as unhealthy as I think it is and I need a change.  And if needing a change, start to wrap my head around how I could be quitting in nine months, which is really soon.   

better after 4

Today was such a rough day, starting early and so many things.  Getting yelled at, taking responsibility (which totally took the wind out of those yelling sails - and the person yelling got much nicer to me as the morning progressed).  People make bad choices and errors they shouldn't, that fall on me.  

Just a shitshow.  I hate these early Mondays because I'm riddled with anxiety about the first things.  And it did go sideways, but because of coalition building I've done for three and a half years now, it worked out.  Someone who is very difficult to my colleagues has always trusted me most, and today was no exception.  It's interesting too because I watched the person in power then yelling at one of my colleagues in a worse way.  That colleague is very charming, and it fell flat here.  She has really struggled.  And I've generally fared much better because I'm not charming - I'm rough around the edges, stumble, apologize, move forward.  

But then I got to work from home in the afternoon and things got much better for me, even while feeling really awful.  My primary assistant is no longer overbooked, and she's more on top of things.  She'll never actually be good at her job, but she's less harried, so that's good.  But she's a good sport and means very well, genuinely a good person.  She suggested I just take off the rest of the day, but I kept going and came upon a mandatory IT training I have to do by the end of the year, and it was the best IT training of my life because it said, "Do you know everything about this?  Take a quiz and see."  So I took the quiz and scored 100% and that saved me the 45 minutes of "learning" shit I already know.  HOW BRILLIANT IS THAT.  I wish they did it for the mandatory workplace harassment trainings too because I know all that shit, too.  Though every year I'm baffled by how calling a mixed group of people "you guys" is a microaggression.  Look, I love y'all for this very reason, and I hate gendered language.  I can't remember saying "you guys" in decades.  I hated it even before I embraced the y'all.  But a microaggression?  That seems a stretch.  Shrug.  Doesn't matter, I still would score that correctly on a quiz.  I'm a very very good test taker.  I often test much higher than my actual knowledge and skill.  

And I do actually feel better after a couple of hours lounging on my sofa taking mandatory trainings.  I was just run ragged with the past few days and all that morning anxiety.  

It's all really got me thinking more about quitting in less than two years and going back to school.  Getting out of here as soon as possible.  But then I'd have to hustle for two more years, or longer, and if I could just stay at my job for another seven months longer, I wouldn't have to hustle, I would be financially stable (barring unforeseen dire situation).  I could start my journeys to find home sooner, so I still like that idea better.  My job just suffocates and causes so much anxiety. 

OH, the other good thing today is that it appears my insurance is covering all $3,800 of lab tests.  So, yay.  That's a huge relief.  

I think I might be able to focus on grapes this upcoming weekend.  Pick, clean, heat, juice them, strain them, and then boil that juice down to a thick syrup that I will attempt to use as a sweetener when baking.  I'm excited to see how it works.  I could also use it as a flavoring - like, one of my very favorite dishes is lentils with feta and pomegranate molasses.  I assume grape syrup would be somewhat similar.  It'll definitely be a weekend project, especially since I have to keep cleaning up after myself.  White quartz countertops need to stay white.  I may do the juicing and straining outside.  I can lay down surfaces to pour over but I still have to worry about spillage.  

Someone one a local gardening group posted about ants eaten a rotten pear on the ground for days and being otherwise visible, and I was astounded that every answer was to poison them.  Um, no.  NO.  Ants were here first, they'll be here after us.  I don't allow them in my house in large amounts, but yard is fair play.  Why would I poison pollinators?  The only thing they do that I don't like is farm aphids, and tbh, I just let them do their thing last year (it was bad), and this year the predators came in and it all evened out.  I have picked probably 10 gallons of plums, maybe more; last year I had none and the aphid infestation was awful.  Let them be.  

and if I'm able to do grapes this weekend - we'll see how many I can do - then I could do tuna the next weekend.  Special birthday treat to myself.  The pears are wrapping up - just maybe two more dehydrator loads of them, and none tonight.   

**

When I talk about the travel I want to do after I quit my job, I have some nebulous ideas ("visit many intentional communities and see if there's a fit") but also some very concrete ones.  A few months in Australia (where dear friends are and I want to take public transportation long distances as I watch way too many shows about rural Australia) and New Zealand (though I'd love a pal to go with me to rent a van with - not comfortable driving alone really, though maybe it'll be fine).  A road trip to visit many friends.  Croatia to a chard festival.  Iceland preferably to volunteer with a family and get to know "real Iceland."  Etc. etc.  

And one place that I keep coming back to is Joshua Tree.  I love it there so much.  I moved to not far away because I was so enamored with it, and nearly every time I spent there was magical.  From rock climbing with pals to long weekends learning about scorpions to a weekend once when I planned to camp in the back of my truck and I was miserable so a person in the group offered me to stay with her and it was magical - she had worked hard and saved to build her dream home; it was modest but exactly what she wanted and it was incredible.  And also just all the times I trekked through.  I love it.  And I want to spend extended time there. 

There's another place I'm really drawn to like that near The Wave, by Utah and Arizona.  The colored cliffs are astounding and I want to spend extended time kicking around there.  

There's a rocky area a couple hours from me that I "found" similarly (just by driving through and being astounded and having to pull over to explore), and I just really want to go spend more time there.  I planned to go earlier this year and it didn't work out, but I've kept the dog's bag packed as a go-bag ready.  I'm going to try again on my vacation week - even though Dear Friend is planning to be here for the first half of the week, I'll try to get all my chores done, and see how the weather and air quality is and if it's ok, take off when she leaves and spend a couple of days and nights there.  It gets very hot and smoky but maybe I'll get lucky.  We'll see.  

There are places that I'm drawn to like this and I want to enjoy them.  I don't want to live there - they get far too hot for me.  But I want to connect with them and not have to hurry back to a job and other responsibilities.  that's why I want to just retire and be free.  I've had several periods in my life in which I didn't work for awhile and traveled or did other things, and I always  keep myself very entertained.  No boredom here.   

**

I dreamt last night that I got a chicken, a large soft tan one that was very friendly despite being sold from the back of a truck in a parking lot that was selling eggs which were mostly cracked and taking off before the police arrived.  And I had to set up a pen for it that was sort of a combination of different pens I'd had in the past, keeping it separate from the dog (who really hates chickens' feet), and then worrying about its loneliness and knowing I needed to get it friends one way or another (I get more chickens, which I didn't really want to do, or give the sweet thing away to somebody I trust).

I very rarely remember my dreams but this one is vivid, and I think it goes along with other thoughts I've been having, struggling with animal food production.  The only time it doesn't bother me is when I don't let myself think about it.  But the thoughts sneak in and I just don't think it's right to enslave or kill animals to feed me, and it troubles me.  I eat meat from time to time, usually bits of it in with other things that are more plant forward.  But it's really dairy that I consume quite a lot of.  Milk or half and half for coffee in the morning, cheese on toast for breakfast with lentils or tuna, cheese or sour cream on other meals, and at least a pint of yogurt per week for the dog and me (which I make myself).  I source humanely as I can, with local producers with high ethical standards at least on paper, but ... it just bothers me.  And that sweet chook in my dream is probably a manifestation of those thoughts.  I pay more for the pasture-raised eggs, and I know that when I had chickens, they had a very good life - they had a large front yard with an electric fence to protect them, and the one time a possum snuck in they sounded the alarm and all my neighbors came running to save them.  They regularly flew out of the pen and cruised the neighborhood - which I discovered from people telling me and once coming home early from work to see them strutting about.  Those sneaky birds were flying out once I'd leave for the day and then fly back in before I got home - I'd been letting them go into nearby vacant lots when I could watch them, but they didn't need me.  I fed them well, including a compost bin in the middle of their yard which inevitably provided soldier fly larvae for them, always worried about fresh water and safe and entertaining yard.  They weren't bonded to me - I got them from a moving friend when they were adolescents, and she'd lost so many before she didn't treat them like pets because it bothered her when they died.  

anyway, I'm not getting chickens - last thing I need is more to take care of, and I'm not making that commitment when I'm just looking to move on within a couple of years.  But this is another reason I need to find an intentional community where we can share these responsibilities and benefits, of cleaning the coop and eating the eggs.  I don't feel bad about eating those eggs when I know the chickens are treated well.

But most other animal products I don't feel good about.  I also really don't feel good about owning horses - I was never into horses as a girl, as most people are.  I fully understand that my ancestors needed them as beasts of burden to produce food and travel and all the things, but we don't any more, and I don't feel comfortable about them being kept in stalls and all the things - I read recently a vet talking about how a horse used to teach children to ride had been kicked so hard and often that its ribs were fused together.  The way we treat horses is often inhumane, and I can't romanticize that.  

**

OK, this grape project may be bigger than I expected.  I picked one bucket, which I think is about 2 gallons.  Heated grapes, going through food mill, into bottles, I think that's about 2 quarts.  Once I get more done, I'll put it all through a cloth strainer to get out sediment, so, maybe that woudl be 1.5 quarts/3 pints?  And then boil it down to 25% of its original, so that's like 3/4 of a pint, rounding down to 1 cup?  That's still more than I was expecting.  Plus, I dont' want to spent a ton of energy on this and then just have it be like not something I'll actually use.  

OH no, wait.  That's actually what I was originally thinking about.  I'm looking and there are about 8 more 2 gallon buckets, estimated.  So that's 10 buckets, about 3 pints each = 30 pints, then boiled down and that would be like 15 cups ... no, that's too much.  I was expecting maybe 8 cups worth, most of which would go into 1/2 cup jars.  

anyway, we'll see.  Have a 2nd bucket on the stove now.  This all just takes time, it's already 8 pm and I am hungry for dinner.  

**

OK, I don't need to do more of this grape project than what I've already started.  I think I'll post in a garden group to see if somebody wants to trade the rest of the grapes for something else.  Maybe eggs, we'll see what's offered, if anyone is interested.  And I've set up the jelly bag in the sink and hope to let these drip this morning while I work from home and check in once an hour or so.  We'll see how this works.  The bag stopped up pretty quick, must be a lot of sediment.  Maybe next year I'll make jelly - I didn't like the texture of it last time but I can try again.  OR if there's no taker for the rest of the grapes maybe I"ll do it this weekend.  It just takes a lot of time, all the cleaning and processing, and there are other things I'd like to do with my time.  Like cleaning, I guess.  

The stock market is at a dizzying high, and it sometimes tempts me because it seems I can meet my goal earlier than expected.  Maybe I could even retire before I turn 60 (like, weeks before) ... but then I buckle down and run numbers, and there are such significant financial advantages to waiting half a year longer.  In terms of taxes for paying out vacation leave, and insurance, and some other things.   So, I have February 2, 2029, in my head.  Can I last that much longer?  That is the question.  the thing is that I absolutely have to last until at minimum April 21, 2028, for a significant financial advantage (possibly longer, I need to confirm that date).  So to go another 9 months for an even more significant advantage and to then feel secure financially for retirement ... yeah.  It's between surviving the stress of now and potentially being stressed later about money when I don't have earning potential.  I know that the stock market will crash, and I have to be comfortable with only having half or less of the savings when that happens.  

**

OK, this grape thing is too much.  12 hours straining and only through like two quarts, and it won't fit into my fridge.  I've just dumped the bag and rinsed it to try again, but too be fair there is a lot of sediment so I get it.  I've only stained my countertop once, look at me so careful, and baking soda right away to the rescue.

I had an experience at work today that makes me remember again why I don't feel at home here.  I was at a work thing, and there were other people there whom I see occasionally but our work isn't directly related and I keep some boundaries because i try to stay in my own lane.  For months I've seen them occasionally but we've never been in a conversation.  But today, I reached out to one - we have an issue in common even though peripherally, and I was tired of him misunderstanding things from our go-between who is his direct connection.  The go-between has worked super hard to cultivate that relationship and I was trying to honor that for him, and I can be a little bull in the china shop, I know.  

But the thing is, I'm actually good at building relationships ESPECIALLY with people who dont' look like me.  (I"m very white.  LIke, 70% Irish, 30% German white.)  Recently I was recognized for my effective respectful work wtih some tribes - and that was by my boss and a tribal designee.  Am I indigenous?  No.  Do I have friends who are? Yeah.  Have I lived and worked with indigenous communities?  Yes, absolutely.  (That's what my boss keeps forgetting.)  And no, everybody did not love me.  And that's ok.  I still do a good job.

And today, the people peripherally related to my work through three different connections - once we started talking it was about 37 seconds before I code switched.  First what happens is my body relaxes and my speech adjusts pretty drastically.  I could see on their faces that I'm not the uptight white person I look like.  And these are Black people who are very used to living in a white world, so they weren't mad about me or anything, they just didn't know that I was like that.  I watched their defenses come down, too, and we joked around.  I did have to watch my blaccent to not be offensive, but it's mostly just a southern extension of vowels so I think I can be nonoffensive.  

And no, it wouldn't have been as effective for me to make these connections many months ago.  I would have been trying too hard.  they had to recognize me, know I'm there to do a job, and THEN connect.  And then they started telling me things super helpful for my job and see here's the thing - PEOPLE TALK.  People always want to talk, all I have to do is be open for them to talk and they tell me so many things nobody else knows.   

I think - well, I think they didn't think anything about me.  But if they did, they thought maybe I was stuck up, thought I was too good for them.  Nah, we're just in different worlds.  But now?  We cool.  well, the women.  The man - I saw him smile at me the first relaxed look I've ever seen on him before, so maybe him too but he's still watching to see if I'm for real.  

Yes sir, I'm for real.  

Anyway, that made our stupid afternoon requirement worthwhile.  and also was a solid reminder of how much happier and more comfortable I am when not surrounded exclusively by white people.  Which of course I know, but reminders help.  

 Today was also my "cheat" day and I'm still eating on the cheesecake.

I see that my zucchini are getting bad powdery mildew and I stopped watering them so it's not that, I think ti's just because it's cooling off.  It's weird, it might even rain next week and be in the 60s.  That's unusual this early in the year.  I'll need to get all my tools etc. under cover this weekend.  

Also, I'm aggravated but I think I just forced myself to work on my vacation.  I ask for four days off and it's just been a hassle on every front with keeping those clear, and I finally just stopped fighting.  Two emergencies may come up and I guess I'll just deal with them.  I do still really really really want to wake up on my birthday camping by a really cool bit of nature - if the weather and air quality obliges.  I don't even need a long trip - it's like three hours driving each direction and cheap overnight for tent camping.  I can hike when I arrive, sleep, coffee, hike again, come home.  Maybe I don't do the hard trails, but just ... I just really want to go mid-week.  So, we'll see what happens.  

OK, most of the remaining grape juice is now in metal sieves in the fridge, not leaving it out overnight.  I have one quart strained and about 2.5 quarts to go which may end up as another quart, so then I need to strain them again, and THEN I will cook them for hours to reduce them to syrup.  I cannot believe how much work I am putting into this.  In the future if I really want to do something with the grapes, i'm getting a juicer that strains without all these steps.  

**

OK, juice is sieving, starter is fed.  Sure hope the person comes this morning like planned to get all the grapes.  I think I'll wander out first thing to return cans for deposits and then swing by the supermarket for a couple of things (corn for a Mexican zucchini lasagna I'm thinking up, and the cheese I like that's on sale).  

I'm thinking about garlic planting - this year I harvested it late because I didn't read the messaging right on it; I'd planted it early.  Our season for planting is like September-November; the first year I grew it, I planted it at the end of September, when it was already pretty much sold out from everywhere (and can I just say - seed garlic is wicked expensive!) and harvested 7/7, and that was a good time.  Last year I planted earlier and when I harvested 6/14 it was problematic (bulbs bulging and such).  Wait ... I only planted it 10 days earlier, that's weird.  OK, I think this is just a call to pay closer attention and learn better about when to harvest.  Some of the garlic I've been using has brown spits - mites?  Not sure.  Not liking it.  

My favorite seed place finally opened up in-person pickup, which I'm really excited about.  I have many of their seeds that I can get from the main garden store, but a couple of things aren't stocked there.  I might get some shallots from them, or I might try growing again what I harvested (which really didn't grow well at all).  I think I got a load of soil with some growth retardant because things have NOT been doing well in the soil I got last year, which I put in various spots in my yard.   It'll be 70 miles round trip to them, which is like 3.5 gallons of gas, so about $15 of gas.  Which is more expensive than just paying for damn shipping.  But, it's the adventure of it - I like to see places.  And they're pretty special, growing open pollinated seed and sharing with community groups.  I know that I need to get back into seed saving better, expand my skills, but that's not a drive right now.  I also don't need to grow so much probably - I am giving away so much food, took another box to work yesterday to share.  But, it's fun to try things and see what thrives and eat accordingly.  Also, is there any pleasure greater than thinking "I want something sweet" and then just wandering outside to grab a handful of raspberries or plums?  I think not. 

**

so glad I posted the grapes on FB - the person who came was great, brought me a bounty of goodness (chard, green onions, cilantro, green beans) and cleared most of the grapes and offered to let me use her steam juicer to try, and I gave her yogurt and sourdough starters and encouraged her fermentation journey.  What a win for us both today. 

 I'll probably make blitva, my favorite (garlicky chard with potatoes), and roast the green beans with tofu.  Cilantro and green onions will be great in the Mexican zucchini lasagna I plan to make this weekend.  What a wonderful trade.  I want to do more of this.  

Ugh, every time work crosses my mind I get wracked with anxiety.  It's too much. 

I borrowed Friend's weed whacker and I need to hit the street (weeds grow in spaces in the road - it's very annoying).  Need to trim back berry bushes more, fill the green bin and take it to the street.  Zucchini pancakes are cooking now, I'll wait to finish that.  But do need to enjoy this cooler weather (below 80).  When back in I should start boiling the grape juice, clean house.  I am almost finished with the book about heat and climate change, can return that tomorrow on the way to dog walk, and hopefully return weed whacker then, too.  Bake bread tomorrow and hopefully have drive to do more outside house cleaning. 

OK, I don't think I'll get this grape juice down to a molasses but I could get it to more like a syrup.  Hopefully.  I ended up with 2 1/4 quarts of juice which I'll try to boil down to about a quart, and then water bath like jelly.  and if I like using this throughout the year, I'm for sure buying a juice steamer.  My old school method is the pits.  The person messaged and she's getting like 4 quarts for every 2.5 gallons of grapes, so that's like 16 quarts of juice for her, and it would be 14 quarts for me from what I picked but I don't have a fancy setup so I got much less.  It's tasty though.  I'm 100% getting a steam juicer.  I never drink juice, but maybe sometimes wouldn't be so bad, especially if I see it as a dessert.  

OK, got much of my list done today.  Did the street whacking and finished book so I can return both of those tomorrow.  Have the bread started and will do stretch & folds a few more times.  Need to start prepping the last of the pears for the dehydrator.  Grape Trade Person said that she has dehydrated zucchini before and uses it for soups and such, so I do think I'll give it a go.  I've got such great zucchini this year.   

**

Yay for Sunday mornings.  Someday I won't have to rush out to drive my dog to a peaceful walk, but it's ok for now.  Got the bread shaped up to bake once home, got my errands lined up (library to return overdue book The Heat will Kill You First, Friend's house to return weedwhacker).  Got my to-do-list made (cleaning, cooking, gardening - the usual).  

 I keep looking at the park's information about weather forecast for when I want to camp and it's looking good so far.  I think my biggest concern is being exhausted from having Dear Friend here visiting the days before that, so I'm going to have to be even more selfish than usual and prioritize myself.  I have a lot of chores to do that week off - I've been looking forward to it for months.  And then I'll hopefully go camping and come back to really only a weekend off to myself, which is not enough.  PLus I may have to work the Sunday before coming back to work because of all the expected emergencies while I'm out.  I"m trying to take off just four days and all this drama, this is absolutely ridiculous and unsustainable.  I cannot wait to quit.  

The pears are dehydrating - I'll check them after the walk.  Once they're done I'll wash the trays again and have them ready to go for some zucchini.  I think I"ll be glad to have that, though it would be nice to have it dehydrated enough to be shelf stable.  I don't really trust dehydrating enough (or myself to gauge it) and so I keep dehydrated foods in the freezer - which also increases shelf life.  But, it also takes up a heap of room in the freezer that I would like to reclaim.  

One of the books I have out from the library, and the next one I need to read because it will be due soon and is not renewable because somebody else has requested it, is about square foot gardening.  I hope to get some new ideas and maybe revamp my garden space to maximize productivity while minimizing space.  I thought I knew where I wanted to plant my garlic, but I'm second-guessing that because those beds have  not done well and I'm not sure why - poor soil, poor sunlight quality?  I have not figured it out.  I may just go ahead and amend the fuck out of the soil and hope for the best, because my other option is beds where I had it two years ago and I would prefer a three-year rotation.   I will be sad if my garlic doesn't grow well - this is one of those crops that I definitely always want to grow when possible because it's so much better than grocery store garlic.  

OK, some chores done, more to go. My nearby local convenience store has a great deal on a 5 gallon Igloo water cooler and I don't know why but I am super fond of those and am sure I could use it someday.  Maybe on long-distance travel I could just dump bags of ice in it as I go to keep some chilled water for me.  sure do like chilled water from a cooler.  I like the old school nature of it, how we'd gather round it and we wouldn't all be carryign our own water bottles so much.  

I finally reached out to my organization's HR to give me the exact date of when I qualify for the financial incentive that comes after being there for about five years.  I thought it was at exactly the five year anniversary but th emore I read the more confused I get, so hopefully I'll get a clear answer.  I don't think I would consider leaving then if the dog is still alive, and based on the zoomies we went through this morning, she's not planning kicking the bucket anytime soon.  But I'd just like to know my Freedom Day with certainty.  

I picked up a bedframe from Friend - I'd bought it when I was staying there, and she'd just upgraded and replaced it.  I'm afraid it's too high for the dog.  I could build a ramp but I will probably just put the mattress on the floor and store the bedframe (it folds up nicely).  POor doggo is struggling more.  The other week she couldn't even get back up into the truck after the walk and I had to lift her, and she's over 50 pounds so that's not something I want to do all the time.  She sleeps a lot, more than she used to, but she still acts like a puppy a lot of the time, and I will never let me go into the backyard without her escort.  Last night i was taking out compost late, in the dark, having a hard time getting the lid back on, and when I finally did and turned around, she was sitting direclty behind me.  She would have lunged at any problem I have, that's my dog.  

**

Well, that wasn't a painful Monday, but I have to go to such extremes to get there.  I start winding down about 3 pm on Sunday, and it takes that long to be able to sleep well, and face the day on the right foot.  That sucks, because that really means that I only get a day and a half off each week, before I have to start preparing myself to return to the grind.  but I've tried other iterations and it often leads to me being stressed out and sleepless.  

**

Whoa, I just confirmed with HR that I had miscalculated by almost a year.  I'm actually eligible to leave in eight months.  I wouldn't be able to receive financial benefit until 65, but I'd be eligible for it at that point even if I leave.  That is ... wow.  I feel lighter.  

The key determination of when I leave is the dog.  I won't give up this house so long as I have her - she loves the yard and I promised her no more moves.  And I can't travel so long as I have her, so what's the point of being free of this job until she is no more.  

The date of when I expect to be able to leave and not need to get another job later is two years, five months, one day.  If I can just stay that long and not have an expensive crisis, I would be pretty set.  House paid off, retirement account I think coudl sustain me in conjunction with pensions such as social security.  I just don't know if I can last that long.  Yesterday I got into a fight with someone - I think he was being stupid, he thought I was being insulting.  His timing was late and his questions were speculative, so I was confused.  He always wants to be squishy, hard to pin down, and I do not do well with that.  He's a very pleasant person and likable, and he's been doing this job for decades, but he doesn't get a free pass from me when he's trying to interfere while pretending to be likable.  Just do what you need to, but give me a heads up.  there's another person, a young gun, that most people really dislike, but I do great with because he's also concrete.  Tell me what the issue is and I'll address it, but if you say it's fine to only after the fact complain, I don't have energy for that.  

Anyway, I cashed out some vacation time and it is showing in this paycheck and that is very cool to get that big boost.  I like making money and saving it.  Dear Friend is definitely coming down this weekend and I just have to be firm about my spending boundaries.  Hopefully we'll cook at home instead of going out except for one or two special treats.  i checked in with her last night and she's excited to do a lot of canning and such - she really wants to do pickles - but she's also drained like me so hopefully we'll rest a lot.  Though I do have my chores to get done.   

OK, it's Tuesday, and it's September.  I have a lot to do with work before my vacation, need to buckle down.  I'm also covering for a bunch of people which takes a toll on me, but it is what it is.  If next year at this time I were to find a job that was less demanding, I could contemplate taking it (while knowing I'd need to stay longer, as I'll never make as much money again as I am now, not by a longshot).  That gives me a measure of comfort.   

drowning in pears

 Some year I should count how many pears I process, but this is not that year.

Tonight: more jars done.  Filling up the dehydrator again now, taking a break.  

**

OK, I just checked again this morning and actually I'm in good shape.  I gave away a lot of pears and now it's very manageable, and I'm giving away one more bag in trade with someone for some Italian plums.  So yes, giving things away is very helpful.  The ones we picked this last weekend will be ready for processing later this week or next weekend.  I may just prep and chop the ones ready now, maybe make a batch of pear muffins, and freeze the rest.  

I just called in sick to work.  Yesterday I was falling apart and so super short-tempered it's going to get me into trouble.  I'd slept maybe two hours - first I had insomnia, and then the dog had me up throughout the night and she was barking at 3 am so I had to fight her to get inside instead of kill a possum. So I was completely exhausted and frazzled, and then I was on some work things that someone else had fucked up, and I was not at my best.  I needed to stop communicating to avoid being unnecessarily confrontational.  

I slept ok last night but I can still feel myself struggling, and I'm having a pain flare up, so fuck it.  Got coverage for one thing I needed, all the rest can wait.  By not working these 8 hours I'll have to make them up another time, but I'd rather work late and on a weekend than go to work today and let people know what I really think about them.  Exhaustion just strips away my very thin veneer of politeness.  And I need to live in this world with these people for another 2.5 years.  Well, two years, five months, and about two weeks now.  Yes, I count the days.  

It's just one day off but I'm hoping to lay around and read a lot.  Make those pear muffins.  Hopefully rally enough to clean the kitchen floor which is sticky with pear juice in spots that I missed.  Start another jar of pickles since I gave them all away.   Low energy things to make my space better.  

speaking of the dog and exhaustion, I had the gate open again and she got out.  That only happens when I'm not functioning ok.  Thank god she was disoriented by it and I was able to grab her and shove her back in the yard and close the gate.  That's twice in three and a half years and thankfully neither has led to an attack - both times when I was sleep-deprived.  I just cannot function without enough sleep.  Nothing reflects that more clearly than my inability to keep my dog and every other dog safe, which is a basic life requirement.  Second is also being snippy with people in power who are getting annoyed with me for things outside my control - and this can have long-term consequences that would make my professional life very unpleasant for the next two years, five months, and two weeks. VERY unpleasant. 

Anyway, I'm heading out for a very quick trip out to pick up some plums and give the person zucchini, pears, and peppers.  I'll keep on a hat, keep my head low, don't want to be seen.  I'd bike if I felt better.  

And then I'll park myself on the couch to rest.  

**

OK got the plums and drove past my elderly neighbor's house and remembered I need to make some efforts with her.  She's made attempts to be welcoming and I'm just always too overwhelmed.  Her husband passed last year after a tough time.  I just reached out to offer some produce, we'll see where that goes.  I do want to get some more pickles going so I just washed cucumbers.  

Got cardamon pear oat muffins in the oven and they smell great.  If they taste as good, I'll want to make another batch soon to freeze before the pears are gone.  They start with soaking the oats in milk and I'll bet I could use yogurt for that even better when I need to use up some yogurt.  Currently about half the yogurt I make goes to the dog, and once she passes I'm not sure if I'll want to keep up the practice of making it, especially since we have a nice local producer.  We'll see.  

It's been nice how little waste I produce by things like making my own yogurt into glass jars.  I was trying to find containers to take soup to neighbor and could only find one cottage cheese and one sour cream container.  I'm just not buying a lot of other things, and of course milk doesn't come in a reusable container (unless I pay a looooot more from an artisan dairy, which I'm not intending to do).  I'm always walking this tight rope with my food spending between my priorities of being frugal and being political with my food (reduce transportation miles, emphasize regenerative agriculture, support local growers, etc. etc.).  Some things are easy - I'm 100% not intending to buy supermarket zucchini which is GMO.  The farm out the road isn't organic but they're very transparent about their practices and actually push back on organic myths, and they grow and sell a lot (though I haven't been out there for a couple of months as I'm growing most of what I want for myself).   

**

Got the Italian plums in the dehydrator.  I only halved them and they were pretty large, so it'll take awhile.  It's been about 20 hours so far.  I've flipped them once so far.  NOt sure if I'll run them through the night again; probably, to finish them.  Friend from Grad School dropped off her dehydrator this morning early on her way to the airport to South America because I'd mentioned I could use it and didn't follow back up with her when I realized I probably don't need to.  It was nice of her for sure.   

Today is now Friday and it's a day of tackling things, but I'm not giving up all that energy to work as usual.  No, I tackled my own tasks.  I made some more pear muffins, I cleaned the bathroom, I wiped down the kitchen cabinets (though probably need to hit harder more spots where fruit juice had dried because I missed it earlier).  Yesterday I started shelling dry beans; I got about 1/2 pound of Jacob's cattle beans.  I'll wait until I get all of them and then I'll see if I have enough to cook some or if I want to grow more.  Growing dry beans is so easy, it just takes a lot of space to get enough.  I eat probably about 20# of dry beans per year.  It's hard to me to justify growing black beans or garbanzos because I can buy them so easily, but to grow a variety of different beans seems worth it.  

I'm just really itching to get to those grapes.  They smell so good and they taste just as good.  They are just like grape jolly ranchers, without the stickiness.  I spit out the seeds and skin, and the middle part is so good.  I just need to start - pick some, clean them and destem, into freezer.  Thaw, mill, sieve, cook for hours.  

The green plums are still coming in and I keep going out and getting more.  They're kind of hidden but once I dig in, there are so many.  I took another bunch to the office yesterday and I may take more because my secretary said her family really liked them, and I'm sure she doesn't make enough money.  I wish they could buy my house but it's probably too expensive for them.  It would be so nice to have kids in the neighborhood - I don't know of any.  

Today is day 3 of a batch of lacto-fermented pickles, which is when I start thinking about putting them in the fridge (it's warm in my kitchen in summer), but today it's wild - it's frothing strenuously, and peppercorns are pushing up and down.  It's quite the reaction going on in that jar and I dont' have the will to curb that because it's entertaining me.  

**

Yay for Saturday.  I did pull the plug on the plums dehydrating last night and I'm glad I did - about 20% are done and most of the rest are close.  If they'd gone all night they would be really REALLY dry.  

Now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the remaining pears.  I may just dehydrate them all because I could turn them into sauce from dried if I really wanted down the line.  They are in really good shape, these at the end of the season.  FEw of the beat up wormy ones I was handling earlier.  I did also dig out more quart jars (by transferring dry goods such as beans to containers I can't can in), but a quart of pears is a lot and I prefer a pint jar to eat 2-3 servings of.   I may still do some, to use up the last of the apple juice that I'm canning with (watered down so it's 50/50 or less).  I do not drink juice except on very rare occasion, haven't for years.  Even before I got into this health focus, I knew certain things weren't good for me, especially in the morning - things like doughnuts, oatmeal, juice - those things whack my blood sugar out for the whole day if I have them before noon.  At least I assume that's what it is - I just know it makes me really hungry and out of sorts all day, and I figured that out decades ago.  Give me the protein and fat in the morning with some whole grains.  (So oatmeal or porridge can be ok if I'm adding whole milk, butter, eat with an egg, etc.  That's what I did in Ghana and i was fine so long as no sugar was added to my porridge.)  

It's a cloud morning and I'm loving it.  At some point today I'll pick more plums to take to share with the the little free pantry, and tomorrow I"ll pick plums to take to work for my coworkers who reported liking them.  this morning I need to gear up (long sleeves, gloves) and pick more tomatoes - my San Marzano is going gangbusters.  I definitely will make a big batch of salsa and I'm not sure what else.  I do not enjoy peeling tomatoes for diced tomatoes, which is what I use most frequently.  I still have tomato sauce that I canned from last year and haven't used.  Maybe once I get the salsa done (and I dont' eat much salsa either, but Dear Friend loves it so I"ll give her a bunch as she's planning a trip here soon), I'll just give all the rest away.  And remind myself next year that I do not need to grow them - if I want to eat tomatoes I can pick a few up at the farmers market, and if I want to can any I can go out to the farmstand.  I probably need to hack back the San Marzano because it is getting so massive.  I neglect these so completely, I haven't even watered them since I put them in months ago and we haven't seen any rain, but they are powerhouse producers.  I have a theory though that they're part of my season allergy problems - I am so miserable if they make contact with my skin, and they are so pollen heavy that I often mask up as well.  When I have contact and wash it off with soap, the lather and runoff is chartreuse and I have to scrub repeatedly to be free of the pollen.  

ANYWAY.  It's August, so busy garden time.  An embarrassment of riches.  

Oof, I need to be careful when I'm picking plums - I keep craning my neck and hurting it.  That's ok for five minutes, not good when longer.  Seemed harder to see the plums this morning because of the cloudiness.  A lot of times I just reach and feel and that's how I find the plums the best.  

My FB algorithm sometimes is spot on; I keep getting ads for tuna for canning.  And so I can't stop thinking about it.  Even when I ran the cost per ounce and realized it's cheaper to buy at the store already tinned, I can't stop thinking about it.  Now I think it'll be my birthday present to myself.  I'd like to do it in wide mouth half pints, and I think i found a store that carries those (it's not a popular size here).  I think I'll go by the market today to see and talk with them about it.  What I'd really like is salmon for canning, that's what I grew up with and have done whenever I've lived near the ocean.  Usually it's free to me, so buying it is weird.  Once I told a boyfriend I wanted some salmon for canning, thinking he'd get a couple, and then I came home from work to an overflowing bathtub full of sooooo many salmon.  We were up all night canning and stuffing the freezr.  I must have been awful when teaching the next day.  Canning fish isn't bad really, easier than a lot of other things.  And it tastes so good.  I tried to buy canned salmon once and had to return it because it tasted like spawned out chum.  SO. GROSS.  But having a pantry full of homecanned salmon is to never be hungry.  It's so good even though I never really figured out enough ways to eat it.  I think I'm more creative now.  But I will bet that home-canned tuna is also so much better than the cans in the store.  

It's not even 11 am yet and I feel like I'm fading for the day.  Hopefully I get a second wind.  

**

Whooo weee, that's four hours of my life that I won't get back.  Peeling tomatoes, picking and chopping peppers, etc.  I have two pots of salsa starting to simmer.  Not sure how much it'll make, maybe 5 quarts worth, though I will cook it down as it looks pretty watery though I did drain the tomatoes and I'm using paste tomatoes.  I have not peeled tomatoes in the past and they like rolled up and were annoying.  Anyway, this is almost a whole day's work for something I don't use much and can easily buy at the store, so ... Yeah.  Sometimes I enjoy cooking for the sake of cooking, spending time over the hot stove and tasting things and all that, but I feel like I have enough other things to do and don't really need that for salsa.  I will say that it already tastes good.  That's always the problem - my food tastes better.     

Update: it's about nine pints of salsa, and all told it was about 7 hours.  I was doing other things too, but still.  That's a lot of time.  Part of it's because my canner is small, only fits up to five jars.  But it is also gratifying to see those jars lined up - in a size that works for me (half pints mostly) and tasty.  Everything except the onions and spices are from my yard - the tomatoes and peppers and garlic.  

And I finished up drying the Italian plums, which aren't from my yard but are from a neighbor's yard not far away and which I got in trade for things from my yard.  Did another dehydrator load of pears overnight, now giving the workhorse dehydrator a break.  I do need to check all the pears and refrigerate some most likely.  They are so tasty for fresh eating, I want to extend their time.   

I stayed up too late finishing a book which wasn't that great, but I'll get to return it on the way to dog walk so it's off my mind (it was due yesterday).  I have two more books due soon that I need to get through. 

I'm stiff and sore today so moving a bit slowly.  I need to bake sourdough treats for the dog, I'm running low on those and it would be a catastrophe to the dog if I run out.  Also need to make another batch of pear muffins to freeze as I already chopped up the pears.  Also need to make food to eat for the week, a couple of salads (tomato/cucumber/pepper and zucchini apple), probably barley-lentil soup, and tomorrow I'll cook green beans with tofu or sausage, haven't decided which; and later this week I want to make a Mexican zucchini lasagna.  My kitchen floor is sticky again of course, what with processing so many tomatoes, so that needs to get washed again.  Need to try planting winter kohl crops again since they didn't germinate except a few collards that look great, and water things in because tomorrow's supposed to be hot.  It will be one of those weeks at work where I won't have flexibility to my schedule and I expect to work long hours so I'll be lucky to stay on top of the basics of feeding myself.  I do have some meals frozen that I will pull out (lentil shepherds pie, tempeh chili).  I would like to get through the frozen meals so that I can cook a lot and restock during my Labor day week off.  Dear Friend plans to come visit for a big chunk of that week and hopefully I'll stay focused on the things I need to do.  We'll also do some adventuring for farms and foods, but we have gotten better about cooking healthy foods at home.  I'll need to have her make her spicy lentils again because they were really good but when I tried they weren't so great.  

OK, it's time to start rolling towards the dog walk.  Hopefully I'll feel better soon, or at least hopefully I"ll go to bed early, because I have an early work day tomorrow and I really need more sleep.  

days of choban salat

 I lived in Azerbaijan for half a year and what I will always remember is the quality of the fresh food and national pride.  Everyone would talk about food all the time, especially their favorites fruits and vegetables.  There was a bootleg herb guy who would have a cart heaping with many different herbs and greens, standing on the street corner, trying to avoid the police.  I learned so much about produce there, from the pomegranate juice at a stand, to my friend who got me as obsessed as him with feijoa, or another friend who picked mulberries for us to eat while we were on a roadtrip to the roadside stands we'd stop at on worktrips and I'd learn about different types of apricots and honey and whatever else there is.  And eating so many fruits and vegetables and herbs all the time.  It was astounding.  There are many places with people proud of local foods but it's something different there - it's a profound knowledge and active consumption by every single person.  

And one of the things we ate a lot of was choban salat - shepherd's salad, from when they'd be in the field and just chop together what they'd brought with them.  Cucumbers, tomatoes, onion, pepper, salt & pepper.  Now we eat it with olive oil and lemon juice. And it's so good.  I made it a few days ago but I remembered it wrong - adding feta, no pepper.  Today is closer though with an anaheim pepper and no feta.  I'm using onion powder instead of onion and it's an ok substitution.  

And what I learned is that my little cucumbers which I usually pick at cornichon size, never larger than a Persian cucumber, are actually quite nice full size as well.  I'm very surprised by that, but the cucumber I'd missed chopped up quite nicely for the salad.  

i anticipate many of these salads for the next two months or so, until summer fully ends and there are no more cucumbers or tomatoes or peppers.  Very tasty.  

I used to make something similar, with rice vinegar, on toast with hummus.  Also good. 

Some foods make my body hum, and this salad today is one.  

I need to rally soon and head out to climb a ladder to pick a lot of plums.  They are ripe and falling and I don't want them to go to waste and I have people to take them.  

OK, got two gallons, that's good to share.  OK, that's probably too much to share at work, so I'll do others as well.  I think I'll walk around the office if anyone is there and just hand things all out and then leave with what's left.  I'm for sure overthinking this, but it's just a weird time to have an office with nobody there. My boss brought in squash once to share and it sat for far too long and then it just got thrown away, and I am not ok with that.  

 **

Got far too little sleep, couldn't go back to sleep so just got up before 6 and started chores right away.  Yogurt milk is warming, white beans and black beans are in the canner.  New insurance cards are printing.  Once it's 7 am (the time I promised neighbors I wouldn't let the dog out earlier than), I'll harvest for produce to take to the office.  Maybe I'll clean the HVAC filters too and do quick vacuum.  The dog hates being inside for vacuuming.   

Yesterday biking home I saw the woman I'd chatted with about landscaping before and asked if she'd be interested in doing some design work, and so we'll get scheduled in the next few weeks.  I want to do another heavy planting in November to let them establish over rainy winter, and then be done with it.  I had emulated her front yard style in my plantings so I know we're on the same page.  

It was really interesting to see with work yesterday the office of people I regularly work with.  It's all cubicles, even the supervisor, with everything open and everyone paying attention to everyone else.  They are double-size cubicles so everyone has plenty of space.  It makes sense why their group seems so much more cohesive and helpful than others, and I was surprised to see how many of them choose to go to the office every day instead of work remote.  They have to deal with each other and do so helpfully, and their leader is strong.  She can get on my nerves but I definitely see her value.  They decorate for holidays, they went and got comfortable chairs from the thrift store to have a little parlor area, and they even put up portraits of people in a funny way.   I would also want to go to work there.  So, it's interesting to see that the types of connections that I see missing from this community actually can exist - though this is in a different town, so maybe it's also a small town thing.  Not sure.  But maybe I should be open to small towns in this area as a home.  I could do errands here as necessary and I can pay a user fee for the library if necessary.  When I was at the library the other day, I was waiting for the two self-checkouts, both of which were held up by men with bags full of books and videos.  That's how I remember my childhood, getting stacks of books to read.  Now I'm more likely to get one or two at a time, but that's mostly because I'm located so near the library and it's so convenient to pop in regularly.  (And also because I've been requesting a lot of popular books that have a waitlist and aren't immediately available.)   But I could be more thoughtful about my errands.  

The grapes are falling and I had the best of plans to make syrup from them but I'm not sure I have the bandwidth with all the pears and other produce I'm processing.  It might be time to make a batch of salsa this weekend.  

**

Took a paper box and a plastic bag to the office full of produce.  I'd thought I'd give away what people want and then take the rest to a community fridge.  Um, no.  People pounced on that produce so hard, it was gone in a flash.  There's one weird person I work with who was actually disdainful and acted like I was weird to offer (she was standing next to someone else, or I wouldn't have offered to her), but she's not from here.  People who are from here are like YES, IT'S AUGUST, SEASON OF BOUNTY.  My secretary said she would take everything I offer because she has a teen boy and a preteen boy and they are eating them out of house and home.  I was surprised they would eat produce but good for them.  She was like yes, absolutely.  And my other assistant was like, "this is so much better than buying from the store."  Well, now especially with all the safety issues.  So if things stay bountiful I'll make more work runs in addition to the community fridge and friends.  Friend works at Home Depot and her coworkers are always bringing in produce and other foods to share at the breakroom table, which is nice.  

The tomatoes have green shoulders, probably from that heat wave we had.  They'll be fine.  I need to gear myself up for making a big batch of salsa this weekend.  I probably already said that.  

 **

Oof, I'm exhausted and need to call it an early night.  Tomorrow I need to really focus on pears and power through canning a bunch of them.  I may need to crack into my sealed jar stash (a few cases I bought on sale at various points, but I've proudly been reusing sourced used jars so haven't even opened those, though I might).   

**

And now it's Saturday morning.  Slid through another work week.  Just calculated, looks like 128 weeks until my likely retirement date.  I want to believe I can survive this.  

It's a little overcast now at 7:30 am which is great and I'll get out there and do the things.  Water yard, check for harvesting, fill the green bin with branches and maybe do some berry pruning, tighten up the laundry line and do laundry, clean the patio.  Probably climb up to pick plums and pears (though hopefully Friend will come over tomorrow to help finish the pear picking).  Figure out if it's time to start harvesting dry beans and how to save them.  And then I'm in the kitchen powering through food things.  For sure canning pears today.  Then have some errands and back for more kitchen.  

I was running low on ideas for meals for this week since I gave away all my produce, but then I looked again.  I could make Jacob stew because I've got the barley and lentils on hand, there are carrots and parsley in my garden I can use, and I froze cilantro that I can use.  BOOM.  I could make posole because I have some beautiful poblanos in my garden.  And/or a tamale pie with them.  BOOM.  Plus I have the zucchini lasagna that I froze which might be good, so I'll pull some of that out.  And I have little jars of fava pesto that I can put on high protein pasta and eat with choban salat (I saved one tomato and enough cucumbers to make another batch today).  BOOM.  Plus I always keep burritos in my freezer, and sourdough that I can make sandwiches with.  There are also potatoes and turnips in the ground that I can dig.  I should be ok this week, won't starve or turn to unhealthy convenience foods. 

And also i've become someone I thought was cool - many decades ago I stayed with friends of friends of a professor in Germany for a few weeks, and I remember the mother when tasked with preparing dinner, at least for the vegetable side, would just walk out and see what there was.  Once we had a lovely dish with cabbage she said she'd found when brushing aside the snow.  Cool.  And now I'm kind of like that myself.  

Well as I feared, printing my new insurance cards is a bigger hassle than expected.  I put in two new cartridges but nothing is printing.  It worked fine until recently and I thought it was just a low ink issue.  I got the printer for free like two or three years ago and this is the first time I'm replacing the ink, so it's a good deal either way except i'm of course very annoyed by it not working and I'm running tests and diagnostics, but I do need to get outside and do those things instead. OK, I cleaned printer heads to no avail, then ran all updates.  Now I'm powering off and will return later.  I've saved the cards onto my phone, and I try to always have my phone with me in the car because I keep my license in the phone case.  I am a very cautious driver and try to always avoid accidents; the last I can remember is when I backed into a neighbor's car in 2010 because I was in a huge rush (that's the only claim I've ever made), and before that when I drove into a fire hydrant (hidden in foliage) in 2004, and backed into a leaning pole in 1998, and backed into a guard rail in 1984.  But of course if I don't have proof of insurance on me, that's when something bad would happen, even if it hasn't before in 42 years of driving.  Wow, that's crazy that I've been driving for so long.  

The dog is VERY impatient that I get outside RIGHT NOW.  Why?  No good reason, she just wants me to be outside.  She is quite bossy.  Last week I cut myself pretty bad and coudln't stop the bleeding for a long time - I'll get a good scar from it.  Was finally able to stop bleeding and bandaged it up, but the dog was freaked out about it and didn't want me doing anything, much less climbing ladders, and she was body blocking me from everything she considered hazardous.  Silly girl.  

**

OK, did a few things, and now I'm whupped and I haven't even started the main event of the day (canning pears).  I am going to eat, then do a couple of errands, then come back home and push for a rally.   

**

Not only did I do the planned errands but I also did a car wash to get off the bird poop.  IT seems for $5 it doesn't save me much to do myself.  

Got the first load in the canner.  There are still so many pears, it's overwhelming.  I'm just concerned if I give them away that they'll be thrown away because they're imperfect.  

 I'll get out the dehydrator now too.  There's no way around it.  I'll just need to start eating more dehydrated fruit.  

**

Oof, I did not get enough sleep last night and I am sore from all the pears.  I processed maybe around 7 gallons, which isn't a ton but my energy isn't like it used to be.  I found someone to give some away to, though I'll still have a lot.  In three weeks I have a week off, but the pears can't wait.  Maybe the salsa can wait.  Also doubt that the grapes can wait for the grape molasses I want to make, but maybe they can wait awhile, and then I could clean and freeze bags of them which would hasten the process a bit but not be boiling all day.  

Had a low-waste moment yesterday that made me happy.  Well, two.  First, I went to my local home goods store with a 20% off coupon and bought some cotton produce bags.   I have been a bit averse to using such things because they have a weight and I need to ask the cashier to reduce the weight by the printed tare or pay more, and it's just kind of a thing sometimes.  But I'm going to get over it.  I usually buy produce at farmers markets or shops where they do that regularly so it shouldn't be a thing.  I'm saving them money by not using their bags.  Lately my local grocery store cashiers have been noting how I take advantage of the weekly deal - it's like 10% off one day a week of the bulk foods.  And often I'm just picking up a couple of things, though sometimes it's more.  It started with a "wow, all that for only $17" - but i'm buying lentils and oats and whole wheat flour - why wouldn't it be inexpensive?  And then since then, different new cashiers have to keep making some comment about it, like I"m somehow stealing from their paychecks by shopping on the sale day.  At first I thought they were commending me for frugal ways, but it's really started to seem more like a dig at me for taking advantage of their generosity.  Weird.  So the last time a comment was made, I also pointed out that I'm using reusable containers and how many times I've reused them based upon the number of different bin numbers written on them.  That one cottage cheese container has saved 20 bags.  And I don't know how much a bag actually costs a grocery store, but reduce, reuse, recycle, yo.  We're all in this together and I'm also saving the store money with the small inconvenience of bringing my containers.

Anyway, what I meant to talk about was the bags.  I've been using those small produce bags as my garbage bags and it's been brilliant.  We don't get the plastic shopping bags here which is what I long used as my garbage can liners, and I just feel ridiculous buying garbage bags.  So, I've been using the produce bags - I clip it onto the handle of the cabinet right by the sink, and it's been great.  It can take me well over a week to fill one, but if something stinky goes in I can take it right out to the curb without issue.  

The only issue is that I try to not use a lot of plastic, and that includes not using plastic produce bags for my produce when I can avoid it.  I do it sometimes and do have a stash, but the stash is depleting because I reuse them for giving things away and now for garbage, etc.  And with these nice produce bags I just got for sale, it'll reduce even more.  So I was wondering where my next bags would come from ... and then as I walked out of Trader Joe's, the answer came to me.  They have a bin by the door where they drop in the last of the produce bag rolls, offering them to people for pet waste pickup, etc.  Boom, there are my free garbage bags, and bags for sharing with people, yay.  I'm set.   

I do though sometimes still struggle with how to store produce in the fridge.  I got some hard plastic containers for produce, which is fine for smaller things.  But how to store a cabbage, for example?  Large zucchini?  A dozen pears?  Carrots?  I've been just tossing things into the produce bin without a bag but that's only good when I'm using fairly soon.  And yes that is the goal to use produce soon, but it's not always feasible. 

Anyway, it's time to start the day and hope I shake off some of this stiffness and fatigue.   

**

Now after 3 and I still have too much to do ... 

 Did walk the dog and picked pears and went to Costco and closed my account and added me to Friend's account.  One of the anarchist neighbors was out and I hadn't seen them in awhile and they did not look good - they've been very sick for weeks, sleeping like 21 hours a day, every effort too heavy.  Their dog was being very good - when it saw me up the ladder recognized me and didn't bark.  She's kind of a weird dog but I like her and I talk to her all the time when I hear her out.  I promised to make them soup and bring some other things (so I handed my latest lacto-fermented pickles over the fence, and I have posole cooking now, and I'll make a large choban salat, and take some dehydrated pears, maybe some tea).  

Then a new roommate came out whom I hadn't met before and asked Friend to borrow my pear picking gear.  I peeked over and said they have a ladder over there but i can lend my tall ladder.  I specifically didn't offer the picker because I don't know this person and I would be really sad if something happened to it - I like it a lot, and I drove 50 miles for it and paid $49.99, and I spent a lot of effort into deciding what I wanted and then getting it.  And it can be broken and ripped and I don't want that to happen.  I've impressed upon Friend to treat it well - and she usually doesn't abuse objects, and is respectful - and i keep it protected when not in use.  I passed the ladder over.  So then we left to Costco and the new neighbor texted and asked for the picker and I finally just said that I'm not comfortable sharing it. 

And that felt weird, to deny something to someone like that, but the whole exchange was weird - asking to borrow things from someone unknown and acting almost entitled to it.  And then too when Friend was picking pears, she dropped a whole large bucket over there and asked for the bucket to be handed back, and I was like, "Keep them all, even what's in the bucket still" and New Neighbor said, "No, thank you."  Wait, you don't want pears that we've already picked?  I'd pointed out how many pears on their side (from my trees) are totally within reach from just standing.  Most of the pears over there are easily reached from a ladder, no need for a picker - it's only on my side where the trees were planted and they're too high.  

Anyway, I'm setting boundaries. We'll move forward.   

insurance

 Yes, I'm just talking about mundane life details, but insurance is the one I choose now.  I stayed up far too late on Saturday night trying to use the Geico website for quotes and it was just wonky.  But I did see that it looked like the home coverage through Geico would actually be through Liberty Mutual, so I just went straight there to look around.  And I'm saving $500 this next year.  

When I got here, I got State Farm, but I also didn't like that - when I tried to get it on-line, I couldn't get my nearby agent, it forced me to get it through an agent further away.  I was underwhelmed with them and then the price jacked up significantly.  So I went to an insurance broker, and it was cheaper ... at first.  Then the prices started going up.

And I get that, I do.  But they were going to charge me like $490 for six months of auto insurance, and now I've got it down to like $285.  that's a tremendous difference.  House is less too.  And coverages are similar for both. I drive so little (less than 200 miles per month total for both vehicles) that I can't justify paying a lot.  Though I could improve my safe driving and keeping my phone totally locked away when driving. 

What had pushed me regarding new insurance was that I got a letter from the home insurer saying they were non-renewing.  I got that letter in early July, and i reached out a week or so later to ask what was up.  the broker said the insurer decided this state isn't profitable (though the letter made it seem like they just wouldn't be allowed to sell the product any more) and she'd meant to call me and she'd send other options.  I never heard from her.  So I'll just low-key go on-line and save some cash.  

The other thing I'm doing on-line is that I put my savings into a CD at my local credit union that will mature right when I'm eligible to retire.  At that time I'll maybe know how much longer it'll be until I can retire and roll it over again or use it to pay off house or maybe something else.  The CD rate isn't huge, but if the rates stay comparable, then I will earn about $1400 more in that time.  

So, I just saved/earned almost $2,000 by spending some time on line.  Painless and worth the time spent. Every bit pushes me closer to the finish line of paying off my house and retiring.   

And we're entering choban salat era - eating heavily from the garden.  (Choban salat is something I got very used to in Azerbaijan - tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, peppers, with lemon juice and olive oil.  Very tasty.)  

It's 9 pm and I'm exhausted and heading to bed soon.  I did get jalapeno peppers pickled - three reused jars that appear to have all sealed nicely.   I do not have the energy for pears, but I did pull out the most ripe into a big bowl in the fridge so I'll start there when I do that tomorrow.  

I had a productive day at work even though I didn't work 10 hours.  First, good things just materialized when I wished for them which was super wild.  And a thing got reassigned from someone weak to someone stellar and it's been amazing to see the difference and we have time to do it right.  She is very good at what she does, knowing things I had no idea she could, and I feel that I have a very strong team on that project.  She's wicked smart and working on an advance degree, good for her.  She did not come from a privileged background, she's worked really hard to be where she is and to make a good life for her kiddos, and she's on a really good track.  

And the other thing was one of the most successful meetings I ever had with my boss, in which I brought two concerns to the table - the manager of my support staff reassigning them to other people and projects without even informing me, making them overextended and not able to properly do the things I need done, and someone on a project who has horribly dropped the ball and keeps lying about it.  I looped in that person's supervisor repeatedly and she won't meet with me or respond to me directly, so my boss is going to their boss.  And I need to manage my expectations, but sometimes this does something.  To shine a light on egregious incompetence sometimes roots out the problems.  And this problem needs to be rooted out.   

**

So it's Wednesday, which is one of my best days because it's when I review the digital coupons from my nearest supermarket (sometimes there are great sales on things like cheese and milk, but nothing this week that I see) and also when I get 10% off bulk goods at my nearest grocery store (I need black beans, not sure how I ran out of that staple without replenishing). 

I wanted to roar into this day early and spend time processing pears and maybe be a bit late to work, but I am not up for that.  I do need to get out and do watering, though I'm sitting with my coffee right now.  I have a bit of a headache.  This dry hot weather is hard on the dog (who is scratching a ton) and me - it's so dusty, and something in that dust makes me and the dog sick every year for weeks.  There's a wee bit of cloud cover right now which is nice so I really should go out soon.  

I want to orient myself well today and then power into work for job and then maybe check off a bit early to be able to process pears, and some other such things.  It's just that there are about 12 boxes of pears waiting for me and they are all going to ripen very soon so I need to stay on top of things.  

**

 And now it's Thursday.  I did process pears last night, dozens of them, and set them to simmer to make pear sauce.  It takes so long to get them to cook down, so I finally gave up and put the pot in the fridge and am reheating now.  I would like to get them cooked, then mill and can them.  It shouldn't take long now and I can be a bit late to start my workday today.  I'll probably end up only making like four small jars from all that.  There are just a lot of things to cut out - the bruises, the worm frass, etc.  They are not perfect pears like to sell.  But they are tasty when cutting around those things, perfect for eating and canning and drying - and saucing, hopefully. 

For work i plan today to take out the company vehicle and drive half an hour to another town to meet with people.  They do good work and I've never been to their office, though every year they bring us the most wonderful basket of Christmas goodies.  I want to show up in their space to show some respect.  And also, my favorite bakery is nearby, so I will definitely stop there.  I think I'll treat myself to a lunch and a dessert.  Their bread is very tasty but I like mine better (no sugar, more whole grains, etc.).  Everything there is super tasty so I have to be strategic and make choices of just one lunch item and one dessert, to not feel like I missed out.  I'm very excited about this little trip.  Usually I cannot make time for such things within my workday - I'm usually very overwhelmed constantly - but I have a wee bit of a lull right now.  There are many things I should be working on, but nothing screaming EMERGENCY, so I'm leaning into a wee bit of leisure.

I did promise my support staff that I'll bring them garden goodness tomorrow and they were excited, so I need to deliver big.  Zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes, plums, etc.  I want to take a box full.  They are not perfect but I do appreciate them.  

Oh, my very exciting news is that one of the heirloom cucumber seeds I am growing out for seed saving and sharing finally produced and it was quite tasty.  I had problems the first two years here with bitter cucumbers, so I was excited with a hybrid I grew last year.  I'll still grow that probably, but if i could find a open-pollinated i liked as much, that would be even better.