sick day

 I'm amping myself to call in sick tomorrow.  I'm making a long list of projects to do, but mostly I just need to rest and recover from some stressful things.  The stressful thing was supposed to continue until tomorrow, but it finished early today, so I am free free free.  Unfortunately I have to work on Friday, but it's ok.  

**

OK, called in sick.  Well, emailed in.  

I'm so fried I'm having difficulty finishing a thought.  

I started a batch of sourdough so I'll need to stay on top of that and those steps.  I should water the garden and do other things but mostly I just need to let my brain shift out of panic mode.  My next two work days don't currently appear onerous so maybe I could not kill myself with long days for a beat.  And so I don't have to do every single thing on my to-do list today.  Sure, I'd like to clean the bathroom and change and launder the couch covers and caulk and build a screen and prune berries and clean gutters and on and on and on but I don't have to do all those things today.  Today I need to rest and recover.  I even have enough leftovers in the fridge that I don't have to cook if I don't want to.  

Just went out for more blackberries.  The season is winding down though there are still plenty today - maybe another quart or so.  I think I'll keep them for fresh eating over the next few days.  I've been grazing a lot of blackberries but it's nice to also just have enough for eating with yogurt or such things.  I need to make some yogurt again soon.  

also just picked cucumbers and they aren't as flavorful as I recall but they are not bitter.  I think they just need some acid to make them sing.  I intend to start fermenting them soon but I'd like a quart jar full for that.  I'm thinking it'll be easiest to store what I picked today and then when I pick more tomorrow and this weekend I'll have enough for a full jar.  It's usually every other day picking, but sometimes when I check the next day I see that I missed some.  I have two plants rolling now.  No zucchini to harvest today thank goodness because yesterday was about eight of them, most given away.  Picked a few more tomatoes; I picked them when red but not quite fully ripe and then ripen the rest of the way on the counter - cuts down on pests or other issues and there is no taste advantage to keeping on the vine the whole time.  

**

Back to work on Friday.  For breakfast I cut a slice of the sourdough that I baked yesterday and ate it with some cheese, and it is SO. GOOD.  Soft and nice texture and all that.  I don't bake for big holes or anything prestigious, I just want something tasty.  I've been adding hemp hearts for a beat and they are great with softening it up.  The main ingredients are flour, water, salt.  That's it.  But I add rye flour and oats usually, sometimes other things too.  Like when I had a grinder, I used to grind up millet or rice or whatever grain I had lying around and toss that in.  My sourdough starter is vigorous even when neglected.  

I also have a load of laundry running (couch covers), which I'll hang up between meetings.  And on my lunch break I intend to bicycle to the grocery store to pick up some sale items.  

I will make this a good days, no matter what happens in my first meeting which is very stressful and my bosses provided absolutely no support for despite my request.  As always, I'm alone.  And yet they ask more and more and more of me.  No thank you.   

season of zucchini

 Zucchini is coming in gangbusters, as it does.  I dropped off about six yesterday at the little free refrigerator and still had six in my fridge to use up, after using others recently.  I had sauteed zucchini and some tomato, which the first day I ate with white beans, and then yesterday I cooked a bit of pasta to eat it with and also some parmesan.  There's another meal there.  And last night I baked the lentil shepherds pie that I'd made over the weekend, into which I'd tossed a medium-large zucchini shredded in. 

Next up is roasting it.  I woke up too early today and so just did some kitchen chores, including chopping the zucchini and seasoning it so it's ready to cook in the oven with some chicken sausages.  

Yes, I'll probably get sick of zucchini sooner than later, but for now it's fun to think of all these different ways to eat it.  It does seem to be a bit of an appetite suppressant, so that's a nice bonus.

I'm exhausted and work is very hard today.  Dreading it. 

But first I'll go out and pick blackberries, clean them, freeze them.  Be to the office by 8, do a lot of hard work, then come home for lunch and then on to even harder work.  This job takes such a toll on me and my boss is awful.  I would leave this job in a heartbeat if I could.  

OK, off to outside.   

9 hours

When I got up this morning and glanced at the kitchen clock, I was surprised it was 7:30.  I don't usually sleep that late anymore - even if I stay awake too late, I'm awake way too early. Too many 4 am wake-ups.  

So what a glorious sleep, probably about nine hours.   

And now I see it's only supposed to get up to 80 degrees today, and it's a bit overcast now, so I should get out and enjoy this weather!  first off is to pick blackberries - they are getting so good now.  But it involves a bit of digging in and then I'm itchy afterwards, so I want to pick in the morning before the shower instead of in the evening before bed.  I have a long-sleeved shirt that I have to don when I pick tomatoes (I'm so allergic to the tomato plants) that I'll use for blackberries as well.  I'm not sure how much longer the blackberries will produce - I'm seeing more berries so it could be a few more weeks but probably not so much (about half a gallon a day recently).  

I pulled up the peas yesterday.  I always feel so bad pulling out plants that aren't completely spent, but it was time and I was grateful as always and then chopped them up into the compost pile.  I first picked a few more to graze on fresh.  I'm planning to develop a heap of ways to eat zucchini, hopefully.  I picked up more tofu at Costco last night - not sure why but I really like their tofu - it's extra firm and organic, and I like the taste and texture better than some others.  Plus it's so cheap, like less than $1.40/pound.  I'm going to can up some more white beans, too, as I'd used up the last of those in kale soup (so good, one of my favorite foods).  I also picked up sweet potatoes at Costco because they sounded so good, haven't had them in awhile.  They're such a good base food (instead of rice, etc.).  I love love love roasted sweet potatoes, and I may make a low-sugar pie with them.  They don't grow great here - they require plastic to warm the soil, and other measures to try to extend our short growing season - and I'm just too lazy a gardener to want to do that.  They were so amazing for me in Louisiana and if I ever return there, I'll grow them and enjoy them again there.  But while I'm here, I'll enjoy the things that grow well here. 

Oh, and I offered to help Friend move things out of her yard - she needs a dump run and a run to yard waste, as she rebuilt her garden beds.  Today will be a good day to do that, just not a good day to try to do that from my yard, since the traffic in my neighborhood now is so congested.  That's fine.  A coworker may park in my driveway today and I went and got some free tickets to the event.  I'd love to meet her kids, they sound great.  

I am at this moment really liking my return to plan to go back to school in two years.  It gives me a clear off-ramp to my job (last day would be less than two years from now) that doesn't require me watching my dog like a vulture.  Plus, it would give me an opportunity to see if this is a place where I could stay.  It's been very clear to me that I do not want to stay here while working my job - I see the worst in people and have not made many friends in part because I'm so fiercely private.  But if I'm in school I may make friends that way, I usually do, and also I'd have time for more volunteering and other community events.  I - at least in theory - wouldn't be so completely spent and have no more energy for people.  Worst case scenario I don't like it and I quit.  I've certainly done that many times before.  But the university culture is not a bad one - I drove through there yesterday on an errand.  There would be health insurance and a gym, for starters.  (Though I don't know that I ever really used the gym when I was an undergrad there 35 years ago - one issue is that it's up a hill that isn't fun for me on a bike.)  I love the library and there are spots to sit and read, chat, etc.  When I was briefly a grad student there (before quitting because I didn't enjoy that study topic), we partied hard.  Obviously I'm a quite different person now than I was more than three decades ago, but this was the one university that I could stick around long enough to get a bachelors degree.  Since then I've earned two more advanced degrees, and started two others then quit.  But I did learn a lot from them (such as about food culture, and organization theory and policy) which could apply to studies here.  

What i hope is that I haven't too permanently wired my brain to be anxious because of my very stressful job now.  What I would really want is to decompress and enjoy things again.  To de-adrenalize myself.  I never found school to be stressful, it's always been something that comes easily to me, and if I'm a graduate employee I would likely be teaching which has also usually been easy for me and I certainly have a lot of experience with it.  Can I fall back into former healthy patterns?  That's the hope.  But if school is stressful that's not what I want to do.  If I really REALLY like it, maybe I'd want to continue on with a PhD.  That sounds ridiculous to me, to finish a PhD when in my mid-60s, but who knows.  

The reason I want to early retire is because my job is so incredibly stressful to me that it's harming my health.  If i were to be doing work that is enjoyable and NOT so stressful, and allows for other interests and activities such as travel and volunteering, then I'd like to keep working as long as I can.  I just do not see any possibility for that kind of job in my current field.  So a reset of earning a masters in a different field, might be what I need.  Anyway, I like having a plan, and I like having a last day in my mind (it would give me over two months of time off before school starts and would also be less than the 60 days required to decide on COBRA so I would be covered by health insurance if necessary but would also be saving money if not).  And I like having things to do in preparation.  I think I already have a thesis idea (related to gardens and climate change) and there is groundwork for me to lay there - recording, reading, relationship-building.  

That's 101 more weeks.  Hopefully I can survive it.  I am encouraged by the doctor telling me that I'm quite healthy, nothing to be concerned about.  

So, for the next two years, I'll try to continue to build on my health (nutrition, sleep, hydration, activity, enjoyment) and survive my job.  

The dog is in one of her cycles of being extremely bonded to me.  She wants to be constantly touching and she's been putting me to bed the past few nights (she'll lay in bed with me as long as she can stand it; she prefers to stay until I fall asleep).  Now she very much wants me to go outside to play with her a bit and so she can watch over me as I work in the yard.  She loves that, it's her happy place to be my yard "helper."  So long as there aren't power tools, she hates that.  But sitting and standing guard as I'm picking berries and whatever else, or escorting me to the compost bin - all those things are where she is happiest.  She was born to be a farm dog but she also loves the comfort of a soft bed.  

Something that I'm a bit upset about is Trader Joe's products changing.  There was a chocolate bar I got there that had less than 5 g of sugar per serving, and I always ate less than a serving because it's very dark chocolate, but it's also not chalky or too dry.  It's good.  Satisfies the chocolate craving without leading to overconsumption.  And they're not longer selling it.  I have examined every other chocolate bar offered and they all have more sugar.  The only exception is mini bars sweetened with allulose, but I don't want artificial sweeteners.  I want small amounts of actual sugar.  So then I remembered that they have dark chocolate covered almonds with similar low sugar per serving.  But despite standing and staring at hte shelves for longer than socially acceptable, they were not there.  So then I went to the aisle with all the chocolates in different containers (chocolate covered raisins, etc.), and they all are higher sugar AND I know that I wouldn't be limited to a small portion.

So, that super bums me out.  The only other bars I've identified that fit my requirement are one type of Tchoo (in dark brown box) and a couple of types of Blue Stripes, which is inconsistent in quality and too easy to eat more of (and frankly, I'm not sure I believe their nutrition facts).  

So i will make some date/cacao/almond energy balls to address that craving for chocolate.  That's on the list for the weekend.   Just started the dishwasher that includes the food processor that I use for those.  (I used it for the dog treats, which I forgot to put sourdough into, their main ingredient.  Yeesh.  The dog still likes them - they've got sardines, pumpkin, peanut butter, oats, and such, so why wouldn't she?  That's what I get for trying to rush with a personal task before a workday.)  

OK, scrubbed down another 1/5 or so of the house - this was the north side, so the dirtiest with mildew and such, and it also required me moving a bunch of woodchips to get to, so the most difficult side.  And it's done, yay.  I have 1.5 more sections in the backyard and another 1.5 sections in the front yard.  Yay for when this is finished ... until next year.  And next I need to repaint trim, so even worse.  But my hope is that I'll be able to keep the siding clean if I do some regular rinse down and spot cleaning, rather than all this scrubbing.  One can hope. 

 **

Happy Sunday.  We skipped the walk today for the first time in many months, but I was underslept.  Couldn't sleep until after midnight and was awake just after 5 because it was chilly.  I did play in the backyard with the dog a bit, and tbh she's dragging a bit. And I just gave her an empty peanut butter jar to clean.  I don't think she's actually too upset about not walking today.  

Then I spent about two hours watering just the backyard.  Deep watering takes time, yo.  I gave the berries a lot of water and even watered the beans I've been trying to sort of dry farm, and even the dogwood which is now a tree.  Someone gave it to me for free a couple of years ago and it's thriving.  And I even watered the rhubarb which is MASSIVE.  I did not water the tomatoes or the feijoa, though I was tempted to.  Water for almost everyone.  

There is a feast of fruit out there right now.  Just realized the apricots were ripe and the various wildlife even left me four, which was quite nice of them.  Usually they eat them all.  I didn't even know I had an apricot tree until last year.  The purple plums are pretty good now for fresh eating.  Still slightly tart but not exceedingly so.  The green plums are nearing ripeness.  The pears are banging, sooooo many.  I saw the grapes starting to just turn purple.  and the blackberries are still coming in strong.  I think I'll start freezing them in pint bags, to use for baking in the winter.  

Oh, speaking of that ... there is a German plum dessert that I adored when I lived there.  Maybe I could make that today with the purple plums.  Just have to remember what it was like.  It was a Pflaumkuchen of some sort.  

But mostly today I want to start cooking vegetables.  Green beans for lunch with some chicken sausage, zucchini and white beans and tomato for dinner in a configuration I haven't yet figured out, with leftovers.  I really want to expand my repertoire of these things to easily access.  I'll also plan later this week to make a zucchini-black beans-rice dish I like - the peppers I picked will be great.   I might also make lentil shepherds pie today and then have it ready to bake later this week.  

Scale says I lost 1.4 pounds this week, but I forgot to weigh in at normal time so it's probably not valid.  It's weird that I weigh less after eating, but it is what it is.   

This is like the stupidest thing but I think it's probably important to me - since maximizing my water consumption, my joints hurt much less.  By maximize I don't mean like an influencer - I just mean like about 64 oz of water drunk throughout the day.  I keep two quart mason jars in the fridge of filtered water, easy peasy.  I do still have a hard time drinking away from home even when I carry water, but at least at home I'm drinking.  And I think that has improved my synovial fluid significantly.  I usually have been underhydrated, and the past years have been relying more heavily on carbonated water such as La Croix to satisfy thirst.  But by focusing on just plain water, I see a significant difference.  I realized it when I was at the doctor and said, actually the joint pain isn't as bad as it used to be, now my concern is the fatigue that can be so deep and turn to pain.  Well, I think the water and the healthy eating.  

I picked a bunch of plums for the pflaumkuchen but they're a bit underripe; I read that they can ripen on the countertop, so that's something to look forward to.  

I got some free tickets to the nearby event, and I was going to give them to my coworker but htat didn't work out.  I tried to give away on Buy Nothing, but the person who said they'd come right away and asked for my address after I'd taped them to the garage and then said no never mind they'd come tomorrow - that skeeved me out.  I don't give my address until the arrangement is made because I don't want people knocking on my door or miscommunication (I've had one person take things for another person, etc.).  It annoyed me.  So this morning I offered to someone else but she couldn't commit.  So I just wanted out to my driveway and approached the first people I saw that I liked, a young-ish mother and 7-year-old-ish boy.  It totally made their day.  

OK, the chicken and green beans was super easy and tasty.  I could have eaten with a carb, but I'll have a piece of toast later, maybe with jam for dessert.  Next up I think I'll prep the lentil pie to have that done.  Maybe then some cocoa nut date balls.  That should be enough to run the dishwasher.  

This is a very good day.  Not too hot, but warm enough for laundry on the line, with a light breeze so the air isn't stagnant.  It's almost 2 pm and it's 77 degrees outside officially (mid-80s for my microclimate).  I have such an abundance of food - using up the carrot from my garden in the with the lentils, pull another head of garlic from what's hanging in the garage, realize I have even more zucchini than I remembered so chop some zucchini to cook with white beans, shred some other to add into the lentil pie.  Taste a chopped tomato and realize why people love fresh-from-garden tomatoes, and then chop up all the rest to add in with the lentils.  

I should probably work but I'm not going to - I can work late on the weeknights, since I'll have leftovers to eat and won't have to cook a few days at least.  I do need to do the vacuum and cleaning chores, but I'll get to it when I get to it.   

***

OK, I kept digging into returning to school and realized that I would probably have to be at the university every day, and I'm not sure I want that just to be able to access good medical treatment.  I've gotten so accustomed to not having to leave my house every day and I like that.  I am though today (Monday) planning to be at the office at 8, so I need to keep moving in that direction.  oi

Honestly it wouldn't be the end of the world to have to bicycle the five miles round trip every day or even multiple times per day.  I can push myself outside my comfort zone.

But what I also realized is that there's a lot of things to do without being an enrolled student, and in the time periods in which I've not been employed I leaned into that hard.  I just missed an interesting butterfly walk and wild yard tour and seed saving workshop this past weekend.  I'm absolutely too exhausted now to do much like that, and when I push myself it hasn't ended well.  But if I didn't have such a stressful job, I would have time and energy to do things.  

so, I do still think that returning to school for (another) masters is a good idea that I will continue to consider, especially as an earlier off-ramp since I'd get paid as a graduate assistant and that would mostly cover my bills.  And that sweet sweet student health clinic and insurance would be great.  But I might be able to find other ways. 

I'm reading another book about retirement things and it's just really encouraging to enjoy the early retirement years however I want.  For some people that does mean an advanced degree, or to do endurance activities (not for me), or whatever it may be.  The important thing is to not waste the time because when it's over, that's it.  

And now I walk the yard, probably pick the berries and get ready to start another week of work.   

 

blackberries

 Next summer I will likely be trying to remember when blackberries are ready, and so I'm posting here.  READY.  I've already gathered maybe a couple of gallons (I eat a lot fresh), probably another couple of quarts tonight, and I'm guessing a few more gallons if they keep going good.  They are sometimes picked at - birds?  Maybe.  When fully ripe they're quite sweet but it's not always easy to tell when they're fully ripe. Sometimes I'm wrong.  That's ok, tart berries are good for the jam I intend to make. 

The other thing coming in is zucchini, and alhamdullilah for that.  I cooked peas tonight for dinner and now I'll need to pull the vines - it's too hot for them.  So, it's very nice the zucchini has arrived.  Also I've gotten three tomatoes.  I don't really like tomatoes, but they seem to like me.  I would like to make salsa again this year.  Oh, and I have some peppers though I'm not sure what is what so I probably just need to try.  I mean, of course I recognize the poblanos, but some others aren't quite so easily identifiable and I grabbed a wrong kind.  I'm really hoping that the jalapeno goes bonkers because I love pickled jalapenos.  I usually prefer that to salsa on burritos and the like.  

Beans are starting to show, too.  NOt a lot but I could start picking.  I have three rows of dried beans, too, which I haven't grown before, but i'm trialing them.  One had very low germination rate, but the one that's been locally popular seems to be doing well.  I don't think I'll trial next year - that's taking up quite a bit of space.   

Also with the peas tonight was garlic and shallots from my garden.  The shallots didn't do very well but maybe next time.  They'll still be good eating the little that they are.  

OH, and I see tiny cucumbers, so that's exciting.  Had one, as good as I remember.  I'll ferment a lot more this year.  

My recent seeds aren't really starting which I think is weird.  Maybe very low germination rate.  

I went to the doctor today and was underwhelmed.  Because it's so fucking hard to find a doctor here, I finally broke down and paid for "concierge" care.  It's not really concierge but it was expensive (I think).  And he wasn't helpful.  I mean, he wasn't a jerk, but there wasn't even any kind of exam or anything, we just discussed lab results and he talked about conferences he's been to, much of which wasn't relevant.  

The good thing is that he tested things that I've been blown off about before - like, I wanted to see my fasting insulin.  And it's good.  He says all my numbers look good, nothing of concern.  I said at least twice "just because something is in the generic normal range doesn't mean it's ideal for me specifically" but he didn't get it really.  

I've been to endocrinologists and naturopaths and TCM doctors and acupuncturists and western medical professionals, and I guess I have to accept that I feel shitty.  I mean, I don't really accept it.  What I have to accept is that nobody understands why I feel shitty.  I feel like I have already missed the best years of my life feeling awful.  So what the hell do good cholesterol numbers do for me?  So, I live to 94 but I hurt and am exhausted all the time?  I don't want that. 

The good thing is that I have a plan that I made myself and he thinks it's working.  My reduction of ultraprocessed foods and sugar - it drastically reduced my pain and brain fog.  I can even have it sometimes now without dying.  My focus on better sleep and hydration - it helps a lot.  My next step is activity.  The more I bicycle commute, the better I feel generally - though not if I'm starting out feeling crappy because that can trigger a flare that makes me sick for days.  That's the hard part is knowing how far to push without negative consequences. 

**

And now it's Friday, yay.  It's about 7 am so I'll cruise the yard with the dog and then I think I'll bake some sourdough-sardine-pumpkin-yogurt dog treats as they need time to dry out so I don't like baking them in the evening.  I feel like I'm on top of preparation for next week's events - I still need some time but it's less stressful than a few days ago.  Have to have the weekly staff meeting and one person is falling very far behind because she's been given excessive work tasks unrelated to my work, which I'm annoyed about and keep saying.  I'm supposed to be working two days per week in the office but I don't want to.  I don't like working there, I'm less productive and the energy is uncomfortable.  when I'm home, I get so focused and everything is so quick - just a half minute to go make a cup of tea or reheat lunch to eat over my computer.  Work in the office is much more time-wasty, less efficienty.  Maybe I'll bike in today.  The air quality isn't great right now, which I'm not crazy about exposing myself to.      

The very best news for me is that the bane of my existence last year has not reemerged.  this massive event near my home that goes for days each year involves a lot of people parking in front of my house and hundreds or perhaps even thousands walking directly past my house all day into the night.  People here are generally quiet and some neighbors do a trash patrol each day, so it's no big deal.  Sometimes people walk on my plants but they're mostly not very rude.  But last year, a very rude man parked a truck directly outside my house and played music for hours every day until after 11 pm and it was so loud it made my windows shake.  Earplugs didn't help.  I swear the fillings in my mouth were vibrating.  It was horrible.  I asked him repeatedly to leave; I called the police repeatedly asking them to move him along.  No response.  What really upsets me about that too is that right there a few years ago somebody was shot.  You are having no police presence in an area with thousands of people with a shooting not long ago?  I was so exhausted and worn down with this auditory torture that I wasn't at my best, but after I finally got a good night sleep, I realized I needed to also contact my city councilperson.  She was ON IT.  She was immediately in touch with leadership of the police department and called out a stupid phone queue issue they had (you kept going in a loop, impossible to get to an operator).  So, I was ready to immediately reach out to her this year if this guy returned.  But two night have passed and he hasn't appeared.  There are three days/nights left, and we'll see.  What also super aggravated me was when I asked him to leave and he was being an asshole, so I took photos of his vehicle and license plate to call the police and told him that I'd need to do that since he refused to turn the music down, he said the police wouldn't do anything because he has a cousin in police leadership.  Was that why they didn't respond?  I'd like to think not, that they had higher priorities for the whole week, but ... yeah.  And so to not deal with my new dental crown shattering from the high decibels this year - what a glorious time.  

hot lava

 When I was a kid I remember sometimes playing hot lava, in which the floor is lava that you can't or you'll die, so you have to hop from object to object.  

I'm reminded of that right now because I just mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors, and now I'm trapped in my living room until the floors dry and I can move on to next things.  Next things include cleaning the bathtub and surround and showering, putting in another load of laundry, cleaning appliances.  You know, adult fun. 

I now know why my friend in grad school hired a house cleaner when she graduated and got a great job.  She was so much wiser than us in many ways.  I just feel like this house requires more cleaning than other houses I've lived in so I'm always doing chores.  

I did get three more windows cleaned this morning and I'll put those screens back in later.   I have the sheets and kitchen towels hanging on the laundry line and I'll need to wait until most of that is dry before I do the next load of work clothes and such because both of them are full loads and my laundry line won't hold both.  My laundry line also seems sticky despite cleaning it recently, including rinsing it, so that's weird.  

**

OK, second load of laundry on the line and a bunch of blackberries picked.  Thermometer says it's 92 degrees out there at 2:30 pm, and it frankly feels warmer.  I should have watered this morning.  Oh well.  I'm very sweaty.  

When I saw a bunch of berries, I mean ... maybe a quart and a half.  I'll freeze these so I washed and have them drying a bit.  That's probably 1/3 of what I need for single batch of jam because they have a lot of seeds and firm centers.  I've been eating them fresh, mostly with yogurt, and they're pretty tasty.  When I can wait until they are ready to fall off the vine, they are very sweet.  I'd like to mix them with raspberries for jam, I think ... though just blackberry jam would be quite nice.   

Thank goodness I felt better today than I have for a bit, and got through some things without too much pain.  I didn't cook for the whole week thought I did make the red cabbage and quinoa salad I like, and I have snap peas that I'll cook with high protein pasta and parmesan, and half a green cabbage to saute to eat with potatoes and a chicken sausage.  So that'll work until I get motivation later in the week, hopefully.  

I had an early dinner so then I got hungry again, but my house is one of ingredients, not of prepared food.  And I'd already had a piece of toast so didn't want another, and i'd had yogurt and berries for lunch.  I landed on some cocoa, the warm milk can help me sleep.  

What doesn't help me sleep is reading The Wayfarer.  Good grief.  I'm at a point of abduction and it's upsetting.  I had to flip through a battle scene.   It gets me wide awake, not a bedtime tale.  I have a boring book I can read once I head to bed.  

**

And now it's Tuesday already.  wait, no, Wednesday.  Fuck.  NO idea.  So busy at work.

I'm thinking again about an earlier plan - of quitting my job in April 2028 or soon thereafter and going back to school.  I feel no real call to further my education - god knows I've done way too much schooling in my life - BUT, it would be a way for me to stay here for my dog.  I don't know how long she'll live and I don't want to keep circling her like a vulture because that's my ticket to freedom.  If I get another masters degree, the benefits would be I could get a graduate fellowship to work part-time and get free tuition and a stipend that would just about cover all my living expenses AND I'd get good medical insurance and care with the student clinic.  I very much like student clinics, always had good experiences there.  I could bike to school, it's only two miles away.  I did it for years as an undergrad from Friend's house.  I would get nice vacation time with summers and winters, and a much less stressful life - I know some people find school to be stressful but I never have.  I know it won't come as easily to me as it used to, but I also don't have to be top of the class anymore - I don't care about that.  

I keep trying to talk myself into staying in my current job but I really need to leave as soon as I can - it's just so blindingly stressful and everyone's got Stockholm Syndrome about it.  If I can stay frugal until then, and lucky of course, I'd be able to have saved enough to not fully pay off my house, but to pay off most of it.  I could recast the mortgage and significantly reduce my mortgage payment.  Could I then live off of $2K/month?  I can try.  I could possibly get a roommate or a side gig.  Or I could start tapping into my savings though I'd prefer not to do that. I'd like it to sit untouched for a few years - that's how I can really justify leaving my well-paying job: compound interest.  

And if I hate being back in school and/or my dog dies, I can just drop out, sell the house, and start the next phase of my life.  I've certainly dropped out of school before.  A lot.  

But I do need to start thinking about this now as I'd be starting the application process in just over a year - the deadline for application is like nine months before the start of the school year.  There is only one program that seems suitable for me, having to do with the environment.  Absolutely nothing to do with my current job. 

I spent a bit of time last night looking around for other jobs in my field in this town which are less stressful.  I'd like a part-time flexible gig.  And there's absolutely nothing.  Which has been my experience before when I've searched.  So then I expand the search a bit to things that aren't actually my field, and still - there are not a lot of jobs here.  I've heard this a lot, and now I see it.  And yes, eventually I could do part time things - maybe substitute teaching, fill-in housekeeping staff at wilderness a resort outside town, etc.  But those aren't good things for while the dog's still alive - I need routines for her.  

The other benefit of going to school here is that I'd be able to potentially enjoy life here and see if this is a place where I'd want to stay.  I don't think so but I'm definitely not giving it a good shake now because of my very stressful job and how it isolates me in a foul mood.  

ANYWAY.  I am locating my emergency exits for peace of mind.

But for now, I need to go water because it's supposed to be another hot day, and then it will be another stressful work day.   

another day, another window cleaned

 To be frank, I'm in a very foul mood because of work and other people not doing their jobs and so it all falls on me, and so I have to work long and stressful hours.  And, I had to work hours this Saturday morning during the cool part of the day, so the rest of the time I've mostly been collapsed exhausted on the couch.  Though I did clean a few windows and screens.  Not perfectly I see now that the light is directly hitting them, but it's better than it was and I'll touch up more.  I didn't break any more screens so that's nice.  I had to return the screen kits I'd bought on line because they were too small, and then pick up another.  I set up a work station so maybe I'll do that screen construction sooner than later.  Or maybe not.  

I battled raspberries this morning too, not very successfully.  I'm not sure how to best manage that wild patch while maximizing fruit production.  And then Friend stopped by to help replace siding that had blown off and we did a little bit of siding shifting to cover exposed spots.  I have vinyl siding that has seen better days but I so do not want to pay to replace it because I don't intend to be here more than a few more years. 

Soon an annual event starts up and it's very stressful because people are assholes.  They park everywhere including encroaching on my driveway so it's very hard to get in and out, and they dump trash.  And I have to keep telling people to not set up tables on my property to sell cheap plastic shit, and then last year there was that asshole who blared music SO LOUD for hours every night and the police refused to even show up do anything about it (even though in recent years there was gun violence in that same spot so you'd think they'd want to pay attention).  It was seriously so loud, it was impossible to function. I don't need that fucking stress.  I'm not griping about general noise of people walking around or from the event itself, I'm pissed off about the guy at very decibels from his pickup.  I'm angry just thinking about it.  I really hope he doesn't show up again this year.  Last year when I asked him to stop he was like I don't have to, my cousin is a high-ranking police officer, and that just really pisses me off because my house cost way too much fucking money and I pay almost 5 grand in property taxes each year and I deserve to enjoy it without headaches and inability to sleep for a week out of each year.  

ANYWAY.   

It's Sunday now and I"ll walk the dog then clean some more windows, do laundry, clean the house, hopefully read, cook some cabbage, figure out what else I'm going to eat this week.  When I don't make those plans, my food sucks - yesterday, for example, I ate pre-prepared pasta salad and then Panda Express. I'm sure the scale will not be kind to me today.  OK, yep, it says the same as last week, which is about 35 pounds higher than I'd like it to be.  I need to do better.  I was good for most of the week until yesterday and then one day when I had a small slice of cheesecake when I was so exhausted. 

OK, off to walk the dog.   

where will I land

 As I approach 60 and retirement within the next few years, I keep thinking about where I want to spend my "golden years" and how.  

I contemplate moving abroad; I've lived in numerous different countries across the world.  Ideally I would like a progressive and safe place which aligns with my values and has good healthcare.  Places like Iceland and Uruguay seem possible, maybe New Zealand, though expensive so I'd likely need to figure out how to work in those places.  And I haven't been to them, so I don't know how they feel - obviously I need to visit and if I like it, spend extended time.  Critically important will be to find a community where I feel included.  Like New Orleans or West Africa; not like here.  I don't need a formal commune, but I imagine myself in some kind of ADU (accessory dwelling unit), like a small guesthouse on friends' property.  I don't like having a big house, don't like the responsibility or cleaning or clutter.  

But when I start to do the math, I'm not sure that economically it makes sense.  Medicare is expensive - I think Friend is paying over $700/month.  I expect it'll be closer to $1,000/month by the time I am 65 - if it even exists in its current form.   Why pay that much money to not use it, if I'm living elsewhere?  I sincerely doubt I'd be in a place where i'd 100% certainly not ever want to return to the US, and there are penalties for not paying regularly from age 65.  

Anyway, I guess I need to keep digging into that.  I could have a life of between two worlds but that's not really comfortable for me.  And I can't do any visiting until after the dog dies.   

So I need to focus on what I can do now: get healthier, fitter.  Save money.  Maybe work on my Spanish.