grits & greens = polenta & fava leaves

 I can make some mean grits & greens, but today's iteration is polenta instead of grits (still super fucking tasty cooked in a good stock, with a little milk/butter/cheese added - and I do mean a little) and most of the greens are fava shoots because the frozen turnip greens were insufficient and the ones I thought I could harvest have all bolted and are really bitter.  Once I add the ACV, heaps of black pepper, and a little hot sauce, it'll be as good as ever.  

The favas are lovely - a bee was trying to pollinate where I was trying to pick, and that's a turf spat I'll take any day.  Yay, bees.  The flowers are fully out, and I'm trying to remember how long it takes for the pods next because I might hold onto them.  I was going to cut them all down and just enjoy them as a green manure, then put the tomatoes and peppers in that row, but I'm feeling more committed to the favas now and I can find another row for tomatoes and peppers (especially since I think I'll grow only two tomatoes - a Cherokee purple and a San Marzano).  Good canned and fresh tomatoes are not hard to source and I really don't much enjoy growing them - I'm soooo allergic to the plants, and they seem to want a lot of water.  Maybe I just grow too much and it overwhelms, so I'll try this reduced number of plants and see.  

Definitely need to grow a lot of greens - those I want to eat a lot of - and I should just be able to direct seed.  Plus I got some perennial collards and sorrel that I need to get planted.  

Also I could have added the Italian seasoned seitan to this dish, or some baked tofu, but maybe for leftovers or something.  Yes, I know I don't eat a lot of protein. Oh well. There were lentils for lunch, I'm good. 

 

 

cleaning routines

 Throughout my adult life, I have very rarely stayed in one place long enough to think about regular deep cleaning routines.  I always very thoroughly deep clean before I move in, and by the time I need to move the oven to clean behind it, it's time to sell the house and move on.  Other tasks pop up organically - oh, I notice there's some dust on the window sills, I'll clean those and go for the ceiling fans; look, the refrigerator shelves aren't pristine, let's just clean those and wash the drawers too, and then I'll run into the freezer. 

But this house is expected to be home for at least three more years, which means there are some more cleaning chores that should probably be systematized rather than just as I see/think about it.  I'm sure I have blind spots and that helps avoid that (like the bathroom fan that's only been installed for a year but already had a heavy layer of dust from being run hours per day).  

but also, do I really want another fucking list of things to do?  I already feel overwhelmed.  But I think I do at least so I can track that things are getting done and when.  For example, I thought I hadn't cleaned my dishwasher filter in months, but when I pulled the box for the cleaning tab it had been only 2.5 weeks before.  So, a list is also a way of giving myself credit.  And not being overwhelmed.  Yes, I see there's some frost on my freezer, rather than thinking "oh, I need to take care of that" every time I open it, I'll put it on the annual list to be tackled as I check through the list.  My windows are dirty and that's also on the annual list, to tackle soon.  Cleaned the coffee grinder yesterday and yes, the coffee does taste better today.  Now that I have my new vacuum, I'll clean the heating/AC filters, a monthly chore to keep that running well.  Doesn't take long, and there's usually not much dust to vacuum (between running air purifier and not running the heat/AC much), but whatever keeps the system functioning well and contributes to clean air is worth it.  

also, I can make notes to myself like for the rug cleaning, that I must rinse with water afterwards because the cleaning solution smells horrible and will make me sick for days.   

So, we'll see how this system works for me.  I definitely like a clean house.  

Haven't yet weighed myself for the week, will do soon.  I'm trying to cut back on eating.  Yesterday when I baked sourdough it turned out GREAT, and after having two slices I put the rest in the freezer to stop myself from eating more.  Being sure to use less oil, focus on the vegetables, that kind of thing.  Doesn't seem to be making a difference which isn't surprising.  I'm just really stuck at this weight even though I'd like to lose another 30 pounds and keep it off.  I'll keep working on it without obsessing about it.

The other thing I really need to work on is sleep.  My revenge bedtime procrastination is really problematic.  I know that it will sort itself out when I retire, but I will make myself really sick if I keep depriving myself of sleep.  

Oof, ok, weigh in, not good, up 1.4 pounds.  Ugh.  This is so annoying.   

basketry and death and life

 This NPR article this morning about friends weaving a willow casket caught my attention.  

Our death rituals in the United States are often sorely lacking.  I think often of my own death.  Since my godsons were little, I've told them how important it is for me to not be formaldehyded up.  We've made joking plans of stealing my corpse to drop in the forest to let it naturally decompose.  I very very much want to become compost, and not the ultraprocessed type.  That has always been my wish.  Yes, I/m aware that when I'm dead I will not care, but I like the plan.  It's the only postmortem wish I really care about.  Now my assets are more sizable and I should think about developing a more complex will with donations to charities and such, and take other such steps, but I'm just a simple person who wants to decay into the ground.  Dust to dust. 

Back to the article: using willow to construct a casket tray lined with unbleached muslin.  I'M IN. I look up the weaver back east and she's like, look, if you're near me cool come on over, but mostly I want y'all to learn it yourself and we're not shipping distances.  Fair.  I agree.  I also try very hard to limit my transportation carbon footprint.  (I'll be biking to the farmers market this morning for locally produced produce, after all.  These things matter to me.)  

So I keep looking and I'm not seeing a local producer of willow caskets, but there's a woman who teaches willow basketry locally.  Willows grow well here, and though I wouldn't want to make my property all willow to grow it myself, I just found a farm that sells it for basketry and fencing that's located half an hour away (near my favorite bakery).  A permaculture acquaintance teaches a course on making willow fencing, a material she loves (and her enthusiasm for plant material is always contagious - I learn a ton from her).  A friend's husband works in the funeral industry.  What if this were something that I were to do after retirement?  

Obviously I'm not jumping into this now - I'm way too busy now.  But that I could very quickly pull together a plan is exciting.  And while the arthritis in my hands make fine tasks difficult now, these larger tasks are easier, especially because I would be on the computer waaaaay less after retirement.  I know how hard 10 hours a day on the laptop is on my hands, I can feel it.   I'm not a basket wizard, but I've weaved a few in my life.  Learned when I was a child, then learned a few other specifics like spruce root (which is more fine work).  I like to make things but I don't like to keep them generally.  Too much clutter and baggage.  So to make for sale to support my values?  That sounds fantastic.  

I'm pretty certain that once the demands of this job go away that I will suddenly have bandwidth to do something creative, such as all the steps to construct willow caskets.  In addition to spare bedrooms and a large living room, I have garage space and a covered patio.  I could even build a workshop building that could be converted to a rental property.  

It's just exciting - really exciting - to think about life after job.  So many things I can do, and I really do not want to wait too long.  

So, I'm wrapping up coffee and after I shape the sourdough loaves I will get dressed, bike over to the library for a new book, the grocery store for polenta, the farmers market for whatever is going on today.  I saw great starts there last time, including for poblanos and jalapenos, both of which I eat a lot of (pickled jalapenos are a fave) and would like to grow (though I do not care for bell peppers), and my starts are nonstarting.  Probably tomatoes too.  Our growing season is short - it's still frosting and freezing at night - but I feel like I should be able to direct seed brassicas and alliums even though common knowledge here is that starts are needed.  Guess we'll see.  I need to pull some ivy and grass and other weeds from along the fenceline, move some mulch.  Maybe wash the car?  Or the truck?  Laundry, cleaning, all the things.  Plan food for the week - hopefully the market will provide motivation.  

 **

Well, I was too focused on plant starts to buy food at the market, and it was SO CROWDED.  Unpleasantly so.  I accidentally got a Bulgarian carrot pepper instead of a milder pepper I thought I was grabbing, so I have to decide if I want to wrestle back through the crowds to remedy that, or figure out some use for a hotter pepper and take the $3.50 hit.  Next week I'll need to get there earlier for food.  The lines were so long and every walking space packed with people, and there was some woman shouting with a loudspeaker in Korean about a missile going to hit South KOrea soon (she occasionally interspersed some English).  Wild and crazy day, very glad to be home for the rest of it.  It's ok re: no produce - I still have greens in freezer and outside, and squash in the freezer, plus plenty of canned and dried fruit.  And I can stop at the store tomorrow once I figure out what else I want to make this week.  Or, if I want to eat through what's in the freezer.  Things I need to use up: seitan, fresh herbs (mint, chives, parsley), one celery stalk.  

Some digging around and I see even more places and activities I'd like to get involved with someday.  Yay.  Just gotta get to retirement.  Or maybe when dog dies if that's sooner, though I'm just so whooped by my job that finding energy for more activities is tough.  

 

new vacuum

OK, I'm not sure that my new $999 (which I am paying more like $250 for) vacuum is actually worth it, BUT it does seem cleaner in my house after using it, including the air quality, so I'll take it.  Yay for me.  

I have a crush.  It's the first crush I've had in ages, and I haven't even met the man yet in person.  I will meet him in person in two months, though we won't be like socializing or anything, all work, only very brief interaction.  It's just kind of exciting to have a crush after so long.  It's his kindness.  He was extraordinarily kind in a difficult situation when he thought no one was watching, but I saw it.  Not nicey-nice, but kind.  The first time I tried to talk on the phone to him he was super curt, but we tried again today and we kind of vibed a little.  It was a short conversation, which I rushed through, followed up by an email.  Nothing flirty at all.  But just ... I don't know, I like him.  I believe I've pieced together that he's recently divorced, she kept the house and just went public with a new relationship, he's renting (yes, I know how to read public access assessors records and google stalk).  I'm sure nothing will come of this, but I am definitely going to try to look my best on that day in two months.  I'll shine my shoes, wear the jacket I like.  Hm, could I use this as motivation to get in better shape for the next two months?  Start lifting weights, reducing food intake?  

Anyway.  Something to entertain me.  

It's Friday, yay.  Just wrapped up my workday.  Have some leftovers for dinner.  I feel ok, and I think I should leverage that - either cleaning my house or doing some Costco type errands once rush hour traffic is done.  Oh, and I started sourdough, need to do those stretch & folds tonight for a bake tomorrow.  Need to finish a book, return it, pick up a new one.  Hit the farmers market tomorrow, do some gardening.  It should be a pretty chill weekend, yay for me.  

*

OK, did the errands and was very short on the impulse purchases that I was going to indulge in.  Costco impulse?  Oranges.  Discount supermarket impulse? herbal tea and grits.  OK, that wasn't impulse, I'd been planning to buy tea sometime and have been looking for grits for ages.  Here, they call things "polenta grits" and that just fills me with rage.  THEY. ARE. NOT. THE. SAME. THING.  Different processing, even different types of corn! (flint vs. dent)  Anyway, this was the first grits I've ever seen here, and they are quick, which is ok (instant is not), but then I saw it says from bioengineered food, and that freaks me out.  But I'll still probably make the grits and greens I've been craving for awhile.  Need to use up the last of the turnip greens.  It's so good, haven't made it in years.  Maybe I'll bake some tofu to eat along with it, for some protein.  Oh damn, I forgot to get tofu at Costco. Oh well.  

Thinking more about this, and I probably don't actually need real grits.  Why wouldn't polenta work to eat with greens?  No reason.  It's not the same, but it's ok.   Better than bioengineered food.  

A colleague recommended a PCP I may try.  I had found him when searching, but he's moved to concierge type medicine.  I have very good health insurance and I hate the idea of "concierge medicine" but the colleague says it's the best $1400/year she spends, and she still submits receipts to insurance for reimbursement.  He's very experienced, integrative model, even an acupuncturist.  And it's not as close as the place I have been going, but it's still bicyleable when I'm feeling spry.  So, I emailed.  We'll see what happens.  Obviously if a doctor can actually help me feel better it's worth more than $150/month to me.  That's just a lot of money for something I feel frankly entitled to because of my very good insurance.  It's just a really dire situation here, with doctors not staying, and so many going to concierge models.  I've gotten super shitty medical treatment here and I see no improvement if I stay where I am.  Plus, I've thought about concierge healthcare for when I retire early - get a high deductible insurance plan in case of emergency, and just pay out of pocket otherwise.  Anyway, she loves him, and she knows this sort of thing.  She's funny - we talk A LOT and we just got through a sticky situation and we were texting constantly.  She's a huge source of information for me, but even she admits that she's only accurate about 60% of the time.  She talks story, a lot.  It's fine, I don't need everyone to be accurate, I know how to vet information.  She's also the only person I told about my crush, saying she might see me fan girl at this work thing, and she thought that was the most hilarious thing she'd ever heard.  But she agreed about his kindness.  

I would love to see an acupuncturist for my thumb and some other things; I just haven't had the wherewithal to find someone on top of all the other shit.   

Sunday afternoon

 Sunday afternoon and I'm cooking a not cheap cabbage salad because it's tasty AF and fancy.  the cabbage was like $5.50 this morning, and I threw in dates and nuts (which I bought special) and herbs (also bought special).  Farro instead of quinoa, because I plan to make a quinoa with cucumber dish later this week, and I don't care for quinoa that much.  I'll use the rest of the herbs and nuts and such in other things, but I spent about $18 to stock up for it.  Definitely not budget food.  Cabbage is just out of the oven and I've got everything else ready to mix up, looking forward to it.  

The dog was so funny earlier.  I was looking out my bedroom window admiring all the birds - there was a hummingbird flitting about, and some other birds I don't know, I want to call them tanagers but I don't know if that's right.  Red heads.  They peck around a lot along with a bunch of other birds, but these guys were like pulling out my pea plants they were so going to town, so I knocked on my window to startle them.  But knocking on the window is what I do to tell the dog to stop barking and come inside, so she obediently came and stood in the doorway and looked at me so patiently.  "Um, hello?  I'm here.  Still here.  I'm not out there.  Are you ok?"  She is at her funniest when she thinks I'm feeble (mentally or physically) because she tries so hard to help. 

I also spent a big chunk of today looking into Portuguese, and I'm delighted that it's different but makes sense to me.  I'll never have a good accent, but syntactically I could probably do ok.  I watched an hour breakdown of basic grammar and it all made sense, and I've now learned how to order tasty foods and drinks.  I've learned other romance languages, Germanic, Slavic, so have basic structures for understnading.  All that didn't help when I tried to learn Arabic though.  Oof, that was a fail.  I really didn't like the teacher, either, though I liked the school a lot.  I was recruited to teach there but decided to move along.  Fez has many wondrous things about it, but the street harassment is awful.  

Anyway, I have no idea if I actually will go to Portugal, but it wasn't an awful way to pass some time, to learn a bit.  I may keep playing with it.  I can feel an unused part of my brain grinding into gear.  

Interesting podcast from BBC about side effects of medication (dopamine agonists) causing lack of impulse control and drastic personality changes including hypersexuality and gambling addiction.  This is different, but I will never forget how an antibiotic made me suicidal.  

I am not anti-medication as a general rule - I absolutely do not judge other people for taking them.  Everyone is different.  But me?  Medications often fuck me up and I practice such caution in their use.  

the worst of times

 Our political situation is horrific, with the most evil people doing the most nefarious acts.  I feel overwhelmed and lost in this current state of affairs. 

Started looking again into moving abroad.  Portugal issues a D7 visa with passive income above about $1,000.  Learned that I could potentially take my pension early - it would reduce by about 35%, but how long am I going to live to be able to calculate the breakeven point?  That's the question.  Though, it's also a more complicated calculation than just that - if receiving the pension, it would increase with COLAs to a max of 2% per year, and if receiving that pension amount then I'm not needing to take from the 401k funds, and they could continue to earn (with the market assumptions).  That pushes the break even point to even later, though I don't trust the market.  

I've not ever been to Portugal, but it's intriguing as a retirement destination for a few reasons, including quality of life (leisurely pace which I miss, healthy foods, safety), and the D7 visa which can allow for citizenship after five years.  Having another passport seems like a good idea and I don't know another feasible way for that (besides marriage which I'm not interested in).  Having an EU passport would open a lot of possibilities.  Though maybe those possibilities are less important when nearing end of life than when I was younger.  

Last year I got a subscription to Wired magazine - it was touted as providing cutting-edge journalism.  I had to unsubscribe because the news is horrifying.  The vast majority of us are living in little bubbles while all of our society's foundations are being sold for parts.  I finally finished reading the last magazines, and it's all so troubling.  I don't see how we can possibly recover.  

I want to live in a healthy place - clean air, fresh food, safe, movement-encouraging, community connections - and I'm willing to learn a new language and uproot my life to do that.  I also don't want to delay it too much - I ran number again with retirement in two years and two days, which is the absolute soonest.  

I'm just so certain that if I quit this job that my health will improve ... what if I'm wrong?  I can't know until I try.  

Also, I cannot consider leaving until there is no more dog, and she just came prancing out to remind me that she is very much alive and has no intention of getting old and dying.  While I'm in no hurry for her to die as it will be devastating, my hope is that it's peaceful with no painful decline.  May she pass gently in her sleep and avoid me the wrenching decision to have a stranger stick a needle in her.  She's been such a good dog in so many ways.  She's cuddled up to me right now and with the back pain she's been trying to escort me around the house, as though she can help her feeble person.

The back is somewhat better.  Making the decision shortly if we'll go out for a walk.  

I turned my heat off a week or so ago and am enjoying the insulation I sprung for in the attic before I stopped spending money and the tax refunds for energy efficiency went away.  It's been getting to the 40s or below at night, and it's staying a comfortable temperature for me.  We've got some highs of 50s ahead so I may turn it on again for a last hurrah before the temperature turns towards summer, but I'm appreciating this.  One thing I found in searching about Portugal is a collective of women using natural building techniques, which looks really cool.  I'm intrigued with working better with the climate and my building.  LIke, this house - I have no southern windows to put plant starts, and it's oriented to the west and summer afternoons are blazing hot.  I was toying yesterday with, wouldn't it be cool to take out that big dining room window and replace it with doors to a little patio in the back that links with the concrete slab patio, to just open up the living space to outdoors more easily rather than having to out through the utility room.  But that's just pure luxury, not something I really need to drop $20K on, a whim of fun.  

Scale says I'm down 2.8 pounds from last week which is in the right direction though is still high.  I've been feeling that my gut is sticky, things aren't processing at the usual speed, everything is slowed down.  I eat a significant amount of fiber but there are different types and perhaps I need to focus on the type that moves things along more.  

So, the dog promises that she will behave on a walk, and while I know that she is a total little liar, I think we'll go.  Then we'll stop at the store for cucumbers and red cabbage, to cook for the week.

To be fair, she's only a liar with me when it involves staying with a promise.  If it's immediate, such as making a trade, she doesn't try to trick me.  The other night we had a sweet deal making - she kept going out to bark and it was so annoying.  When she indicated she needed to go out again, I told her no barking, and she gave me her word which was marked with a high five - something she usually does not like to do, but cheerfully did, like a handshake to make a promise of a deal.  And she didn't bark at all, just did rounds and her business and then trotted back inside and looked to me like, see, I am an honest hound, why would you ever think otherwise?  Oh, I will miss her when she's gone, this vibrant bundle of chaos.  

OK, moving towards a walk now.   

fry-free

 I'm not a big fan of frying.  I never deep fry, and if I can bake instead of fry, then that's always my go-to, even though pan fried is usually better texture. 

Why?  Smell and mess.  There is something about the smell of fried foods which quickly turns rancid to me, and I don't like it at all.  And no matter how clean I try to keep my kitchen, the oil lands beyond where I see.  The cabinet closest to the oven has a layer of grease on the crease that's not easily just wiping off.  

Maybe I need a wok and bigger fry pan.  Probably.  Like, I just sauteed a sofrito to go into the beans, and that's a much better taste than just throwing in the onions and peppers.  So, I'll fry sometimes, but things like tofu?  Baked is fine, thanks.  I would never fry chicken, for example; I don't even really care to eat it.  Greasy mess.  

Maybe sautee with stock instead of oil?   

Things to learn.