flesh is weak

 Well, I had glorious plans for today - making groceries, hauling compost.  I was going to power through the rain and be fine.

HOwever, my strained back has different plans.  I'm woozy and lightheaded from the pain, and I can barely drive or make a shopping decision that deviates from the plan.  (No red cabbage at the farmers market totally spun me out despite many other things I wanted to buy, but didn't want to carry.)

So, a much quieter weekend lies ahead of me.  Just doing the bare minimum.   

The one thing I can rally for though is pulling bindweed.  Already pulled up six sprouts today.  Fucking bindweed.  I will find you, I will destroy you.   

typical American food

 I went to a seminar today, lunch included.  I should have known not to eat the lunch, but I was hungry.

What was in the lunchbox?  White bread with a ton of mayonnaise, a little deli turkey meat, a slice of tomato; a bag of Doritos, an apple, a cookie.  The cookie tasted awful and I really shouldn't have eaten it, but I was angry and hungry.  Of course I immediately felt awful, so then I drank a diet soda, and now I feel really awful.  

All that ultraprocessed food was totally disgusting, and it could have easily been better.  Put it on a whole grain bread, mayo on the side (I'd never choose it), let me choose mustard instead.  Maybe a bag of carrots or some other vegetable.  And an actual good cookie, not whatever the hell that was. 

I'm angry at myself for consuming those calories.  So. Bad.  

Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm a food snob, but it's more than that.  I could have eaten eight of those boxes and still not felt satiated, like whole foods make me feel.  Hours later, I'm still trying to equalize my blood sugar.

Had lentil shepherds pie for dinner, SO MUCH BETTER.  

It reminds me when I was a teenager in the midwest visiting family.  I'd been off somewhere else and came back to my aunt's house with a similar spread for sandwiches.  And I was not at my best, I was really bratty, but I was so hungry and there was just like white bread and mayonnaise and chips, it seemed like.  I remember my mother saying, "What do you want?" and whining, "Real food."  Which again, I know I was awful, but I was so hungry and my blood sugar was all over the place from eating that shit.  

I"ve always eaten healthy-ish because it makes me feel better, and I grew up with whole wheat bread and brown rice so that tastes normal to me.  

So here I am again, living this, and clearly I need to just start packing my own lunch no matter what.  Though, there is a salad place near my office I just discovered that may be promising - they have salads with tempeh, that sort of thing.  

I'm trying to watch JOhn Oliver but I'm stuck at the segment about USAID and it breaks my heart, personally, because I've worked around the world on their grants.  

This is the most horrible timeline.  Who is more evil, Trump or Netanyahu?  HOw is this real?  Fuck fuck fuck.

Now I want tahdig.  

**

and now it's Friday, and I survived another week.  Approximately 150 left to go.   

Green beans w/chicken for lunch; okonomiyaki (cabbage & carrot "pancakes" with eggs) for dinner.  Need to get better breakfasts again, just keep forgetting to until I'm rushing out the door or too hungry.  Possibilities are "protein biscuits" made with red lentils and vegetables or "lentil loaf" on a pita.  Need more good breakfast ideas.  

And now I believe that the only vegetables in this house are one carrot, one stalk of celery, onions, garlic, and dehydrated cucumber chips.  Oh, and some frozen squash cubes.  But I've consumed all the rest and I'm proud of myself for that - for eating healthy and not wasting.  Tomorrow I'll go to the farmers market and stock up. Cabbages and beets and carrots and greens and whatever else goodness I see.  I may also swing by the grocery store that has tasty cucumbers on sale.  Costco finally has Kerry Gold butter on sale and I'll buy the limit of 4, and that should last me for the year.  Or more.  It'll go into the freezer.  I want to make "energy balls" soon, they're a good tasty treat.  

It's ant season already and they're coming in strong.  They are hitting the bathroom now, just a hundred scouts because they're not finding anything except water.  When I saw the first one I went through and took out anything that can encourage them, such coughdrops.  I cleared out a bunch of stuff like that and took to the free pantry.  So I see one on a bar of soap and one on the tissue box, but they're not clustering like they found anything.  LIttle fuckers.  I kill them one by one, the formic acid a spoil of war.  They are coming in where I need to caulk the window, so it's a good reminder that's on my project list.  I need to first figure out how to clear the old paint off the vinyl windows because some motherfucker can't paint for shit and made a mess with a yellow paint.  I thought when it's warmer I can scrape it off with plastic but I may not want to wait.  

**

And now it's Saturday morning and I'm really excited about cooking this weekend.  I've got about six errands on my list for different foods to stock up my fridge.  Got some pintos soaking that I'll cook to eat with tortillas and the works (salsa, olives, pepitas).  Will braise red cabbage for a hearty salad with quinoa.  Have a couple of lentil possibilities - either a bolognese or a Mexican skillet.  Probably borscht. 

It's supposed to be raining all weekend, so I get to hunker down inside without guilt.  Though, there's an event today giving away free compost so I may still go get that and haul it in the pouring rain despite my painful back.  I've been delighted with the storm and deep deep rains, as we are nearing the end of rainy season and I want the ground saturated so I don't have to water anytime soon.   The dog is less delighted and she's refusing to get off the couch this morning.  She'll go out if I do though, she always does.  She just won't stay out if it's bad weather.  

Anyway, screw typical american ultraprocessed food, that blip of eating that lunch on Wednesday has definitely recommitted me to how I eat - whole foods, from scratch.   

plants in the ground, oh yeah

 Took off a little early from work and got to work.  Dug out a California lilac bush I planted a few weeks ago, realizing it's way too close to other trees where I first put it.  Moved it to the curb strip, knowing it will still get too big and crowd sidewalk and street, but oh well.  Probably not my problem, and even if it is, it's a gorgeous bush but only lasts 10 years or so.  Put in five more plants that I'd had to research, a wallflower, a delphinium, that sort of thing.  so, currently no natives waiting to be planted, only some vegetable starts which are very not happy with me.  I guess I need to either just commit to getting a grow light and building a greenhouse type thing, or not.  Our growing season is short, so if I want to grow things like peppers and tomatoes and even cabbage, they should be started indoors.  Which I just don't really vibe with.  I'm looking forward to a month from now when I'll plant beans, squash, and cucumbers, and that will make my garden looked filled in.  The peas are coming in fine, and the potatoes are starting with this warmth, but I still have a lot of open spots for the May plantings and transplants. 

No, I didn't need to take off early from work, though I might start doing that regularly.  One afternoon a week when I can, sort of thing.  It let me finish chores by 5:30, so can still cook dinner and enjoy an evening.  I've got a lentil shepherd's pie in the oven, a bit of cheese grated to put on top.  I added frozen shredded zucchini to the lentils as they cooked and I think that will be a good way to use that in the future, though the long pieces of it is weird so I may shred then chop it in the future.  

What shall I do tonight?   I might start a new book, or scrub the kitchen floor, or watch some new episodes of TV, or quilt (which can be done at the same time as TV).  The newest book from the library I have two weeks to read is The Endling.  I'm so tickled that I seem to enjoy reading again.  Not all books, but some.  I can live with that.  I've been reading some good stuff.  

Getting out and digging in the dirt is helpful because it consumes me less than the horrors that our country's leader is.  He is the worst human being on the planet, or at least in the running.  I am so opposed to everything he does, and I'm over here talking about planting seeds instead of running a rebellion, and that is shameful.  I should be out there fighting instead of hunkering down.  I, like everyone else, have too much to lose, and that is awful to think like that.  Nothing will change if we don't risk.  Plus I always have backup plans.  Just got notice it's time to renew my California teaching credential.  No, I would not enjoy teaching anymore - it was great for me while it lasted, but I moved on, and I feel utterly ill-equipped to handle youth in this new age (there were barely cell phones when I left teaching).  But knowing that in a worst case scenario, I can get a job somewhere, to make enough to pay my bills and survive, is comforting.  That's like worst worst case scenario, like if the government takes everything from me.  In the middle of that is things like getting a roommate or a part-time job at the department store.  I can survive, I'm resourceful.  

So, another thing I'm glad I did six months ago was dehydrate cucumber slices.  They are such a tasty crunch and I haven't eaten any potato or cornchips since I committed to eating them.  The only annoying thing is that the dog loves them as much as I do, so her begging is not polite.  I have one more small jar and then they're gone, and that's ok, because I will be ready for fresh cucumbers.  Last year I grew a wonderful variety that handled my neglect well (all the others I've grown here have been so bitter) and ate SO MANY cucumbers.  LIke, constantly.  It was overwhelming, in fact.  They're so good.  The one thing I needed to do more of was fermented pickles.  I made a few jars, but not enough.  Need to start that right away with start of season and keep it going.  Also, I can use my cucumbers for relish - I bought for that last year because I didn't know how well my cucumbers produce.  This year I'll have more faith, though of course there's no guarantee.  Maybe this year will be the year of something else instead, who knows.  

I learned last week that a person who does my job was fired.  He's now in another office so I've never met him, though I've seen his work and heard his jocularity on all-organization calls.  My colleagues who know him and worked with him for years are baffled, with the only idea they can come up with is that his soft skills aren't the greatest because he has very high work standards.  I raised my hand when the colleague said that, because that is EXACTLY why I was targeted two years ago and developed sleep problems.  But if I survived, why didn't he?  We speculated that he's in a more uptight place, and the person leading that office has no fans among us.  She seems awful, frankly.  The top of our organization seems ok-ish, but everyone she puts around her is really really bad, and that's who we have to deal with.  I haven't met any of them in person, but remote is too much.  I can't stand them and so look forward to be free of them.  

Anyway, as much as I loathe my job, it provides me a healthy living and retirement planning, so I am lucky that I wasn't fired.  I would have been so fucked if I was fired, buying an overpriced house and all. I mean, of course they can still try to fire me, but I hope not.  I'm tired of that shit. 

Also tired because I hurt my back.  I lifted a box repeatedly that was way too heavy and hard to manage, and I pulled a lot of something.  It's still at the stage where I'm almost euphoric becuase of all the reactions within my body to try to protect itself, but we'll see how I am tomorrow.  I fear it's pretty bad, but I hope not.  

Damn that lentil shepherds pie is so good.  I always love it.  Lentils, carrots, zucchini, potatoes, onions, garlic, tomato paste (this time - I mix it up, sometimes with mushrooms or green beans or whatever I've got on hand).  What's not to love?  It's the seasoning that makes it shine - herbes de provence, amino acids, heaps of black pepper, vegetable broth.  Oh, and I enjoy some butter and sour cream in the mashed potatoes, gives it a nice richness.  I have no idea why this combo works, but it so does (for me at least). Then thawed some strawberries to finish off the cottage cheese.  Not bad, but better with yogurt.  I love our fresh local strawberries.  Yes, I'll spend $150 again on them this year because they're so great.  Though I think I'll make less jam and just freeze them.  

I have a culinary challenge to finish the vegetables in my fridge before buying more - 1/3 red cabbage, green onions, carrots.  Yes, I have eggs - it shall become okonomiyaki.  Yum.  I think I'll pick up another red cabbage - the braised red cabbage salad with quinoa and sumac that I made a few weeks ago was banger.  So good.  

OCD

 I've never really experienced OCD.  I'm sure people working with me think I'm in that way because of wanting things to be correct, but that's not OCD, that's high standards.

Today was the first time I think that I have every experienced something in that vein.  before work, I had to have my countertops clear and clean.  Now I'm cleaning my bathroom fanlight, and going through all my old cough drops and such to toss or give away.  Clearing, cleaning.  

I think I'm still within healthy range, but I will say that it feels different than it ever has before.  Not a "oh, that would be nice to clear those drawers out" but "I am compelled to do this. Now."  

Strange.  

Hope to just ride the wave and let it die down, but maybe I'll get some good cleaning done in the meantime. 

through the freezer

 Just used up what I think is the last of my frozen zucchini.  Made some muffins and now am sauteeing it with onion, to eat with baked tofu.  

The muffins are kind of a kitchen sink.  No added sugar, though I did add plum/date puree.  I also added in flax meal and hemp hearts and the last bit of coconut, because they were there in my fridge, and then I needed more liquid so finished off a jar of yogurt.  They do have some added oil in them, about 1/3 of a tablespoon each.  Oats and whole wheat flour, zucchini, pecans, cinnamon.  Last time I think I used pumpkin seeds instead, which I would do again.  They're pretty tasty, texture reminds me of oatmeal cake which I like.  Putting a few in the fridge, freeze most.  I have a lot of muffins in the freezer as I dont really eat them as much as I'd expected; I did just get through the bag of muffins sweetened by squash and beets.  They were pretty good, especially with a bit of low-sugar peach jam on them.  

I'm enjoying a book, which is nice.  It's called Culpability and it's engaging.  Even though the type is small, I'm moving on through it.  The author knows how to spin a yarn for sure.  This is the second novel I've read recently about the dangers of AI, which definitely strikes a cord with me.  It terrifies me, especially with this political regime which will do nothing to keep us safe from it. 

OK, this tofu zucchini probably needs some rice or something but it's too late to make that (since I only use brown rice).  Maybe I'll make it to eat with leftovers.  

I have laundry on the line for the first time this year, which is exciting.  I need to adjust where a hook goes and I may need to run the sheets in the dryer a bit to get the pollen out, but otherwise, the line is dandy.  Thrilled to have it up again, even if I can't use it again for a few weeks because of cool and rain.  

I did some planting, got in the milkweed and something else I'm forgetting right now, but i need to do some more research on the others that I got, and one I need to move because of a bad placement decision.  Dug out some weeds that I hate, scrubbed down the patio.  I'll probably have to do it again, but at least I'm not seeing the grime.  The dog helped kill some wood destroying bees, which I feel really bad about, but they need to stop eating my patio.  There are a lot of small insect holes in stumps and such, and that's exactly what I have left those for.  The paint was supposed to stop the bees from eating the patio, and maybe it still will, but I see some spots I need to hit again.  Worse than the actual devouring of wood is that they make a tremendous mess.     

Not today, but recently I've been watching Perry Mason on HBO.  I didn't know there was a new one - I used to love the old one, or maybe my mother loved it and I was just there for the reruns.  The new one is also engaging.  It's interesting how we have been shifting so much in our language and attitudes, and I know that they are using current values to apply to the past, but I'm ok with that.  An honest attempt at that is Rooster, also on HBO, which I'm quite enjoying.  Steve Carrell is great.  And he's about my age, and it's hard to explain to younger people, but we just come from a very different time.  Not that it was every ok to be homophobic or racist or sexist or any of that, but - like referring to a white whale.  Sometimes we're just making a literary reference, not being racist or sexist or fatphobic.  

Like, it wasn't that long ago that I was in my favorite African nation, and high-ranking government officials referred not infrequently to my ass, and how it was clear I'm not really all white, that no white woman has an ass like mine, and it's proof positive that I am of African descent.  I thought it was hilarious and inclusive.  That is so far from what is acceptable joking.  I did also experience bad things - like realizing an organization leader I was supposed to work with was human labor trafficking, or my employer paying for a retreat, which several professionals used as an excuse to bring prostitutes, whom I somewhat awkwardly would meet at breakfast.  Not that I have any problem with sex work, but the power imbalance was too great.  Vastly too great.  Or my coworker officemate who would use our rural travel as an excuse to shag rural women with empty promises, which I learned about when one showed up very pregnant to our office; he was truly insufferable, and was always ranting about what a good family man he was.  Fucking lying scumbag.  

I guess I'm PC too but sometimes i just feel like some things have gone too far and it's all just fluff now, we cant' have real conversations.   

OK, the shredded zucchini will be better added to other things in the future probably, rather than just cooked itself.  It's fine.  It's good to eat vegetables.  Just not super exciting to eat previously frozen shredded zucchini.  Next time i may thaw it and squeeze out hte water and see if I can get it to crisp up a bit, that would be nice.  Also would be nice with parmesan.  

 

+3.8

 Made the big purchase, bought that fancy German vacuum cleaner.  List price like $1,000, got it for more like $200.  Researched all the sites like Consumer Reports (free through my library) for the ones that would work best for me, waited for a big sale (apparently it's a spring cleaning thing) and a less popular color, joined a membership club for $29 to save $149, and cashed in credit card points.  Boom.  

**

The scale says that in the past week, I have gained 3.8 pounds.  That is INSANE.  I noticed that when I ate 2.3 biscuits on Sunday at the neighborhood picnic, the scale said I'd gained over a pound, and I did have an indulgence this week on Friday: I got a salad with chicken, dressing on the side, with a small order of Greek fries (with feta & tzatziki) and a slice of cheesecake that I ate over two days.  And yesterday I ate bread with cheese and jam (not together) for dinner, several slices.  Otherwise, I was sticking with the system all week - whole foods, vegetable forward, reduced oil and other fats.   

It's just really frustrating that there can be no indulgences like a fucking biscuit without the pounds packing on.  This is not basic math.  Even when I consider how many calories were possibly in that cheesecake (1310, looking comparably to a Cheesecake Factory slice), that is far less than the 13,300 extra calories I would have had to consume this week to gain that kind of weight.  Yes, of course I know that my thyroid is funky, and I know that when my metabolism was checked pre-menopause that it was already far slower than normal.  I get that.  But it is still frustrating as fuck.  I want to be able to eat things without being obsessive.  Even if my loaves of sourdough were 1,000 calories, I would have had to eat over 13 loaves, which I most certainly did not (I've eaten less than 1/3 of the loaf - which is still a lot but not THAT much).  And yes, I understand these things add together - 1310 calories here, 600 calories there - but I'm fucking living and moving and biking to work and moving mulch and doing the things.   

70%

On average, I save 70% of my take-home pay.  That makes me quite proud of myself.  I'm underspent in all budget categories for this year except for utilities (overspent by 58 cents), and auto (over $111 because of auto insurance this month and getting a new truck battery).  I'm not so over or underspent that I need to rebalance the categories - I'm close for the quarter in most.  Only significantly underspent in house (I'll probably have some spending this summer on repairs) and miscellaneous (from returning a vacuum and probably getting a new one will even that out).  

I am chuffed and also recognize the great deal of luck.  Yes, I worked really hard, and no my family provided me with zero financial advantages, but I've still been lucky.  I was able to get advanced degrees and now, as I approach retirement, to make significant money for the first time in my life.  It's all going straight to paying off the overpriced house.  

Food spending was ok, coming in at $352 because I did some stocking up at the end.  

Baking: 4%; Beverages (mostly coffee): 8%; bread (pitas, tortillas): 7%; dairy 18%; grains 2%; herbs & spices 1%; legumes 6%; misc. (cornstarch for tofu, lime juice, nooch) 2%; nuts & seeds 7%; olive oil 5%; eating out 9%; produce 14%; protein (meat, eggs, tofu): 7%; snacks & dessert 9%.  

**

I've read a lot about retirement strategies, watched a lot of Youtube videos of financial planners and retirees, and I think that I can set a retirement date expectation of February 2, 2029.  I could potentially do earlier, but that is a date that seems to provide a level of security and is based on realistic expectations.  That is two years and ten months away and seems like I should be able to do it.  I cannot see the future and know that any awful crazy thing can happen, and this date can be adjusted, but it's a target.  Why that date specifically?  Well, it would give me health insurance for the whole month, my professional fees would be paid for the whole year, and my paid out vacation time would be in a lower-income year so lower taxes and beneficial for Marketplace insurance.  It would be right after I paid off my house, but the paid out vacation time and last paychecks should be able to cover me for a year or two without having to touch retirement savings - though I could, and would consider Roth conversions to fill the tax bracket, or if the market is crummy could look for some gig work perhaps.  

I also broke down to concrete numbers what I want to spend on travel.  Of course everything can change, but essentially there are about six trips that I want to take, on average about $5,000.  So, $30,000 in travel to save for.  Some less, some more - like airfare to Australia is a lot, but I'd be staying with friends except for a bustrip to Uluru (yes it would take a lot of time, but I'm intrigued with rural Australia after watching a lot of TV about it).  Iceland is an expensive place, but I'd probably look for a Workaway or housesit time for at least some of it to know real Icelanders.  I've stayed in very fancy hotels for work, and they don't really excite me.  If retired, I have a lot more flexibility to travel times and means.  

I'm grateful that I did so much travel when I was young and spry, so much of my travel curiosity sated.  There are a few places I'd like to maybe return to (such as Senegal), but not a lot compelling me anymore.  

I've also put a number on unexpected house repairs: $500/month to budget.  That's $6,000/year.  Now that I've done most of renovations I want to do, that should be enough to cover what comes up, and if I want more (like to put new siding on or build a fancy patio), then I can wait for market upturn and pull from those accounts or find some gig work to save up.  Though I'm still not really sold on the idea of staying there ... though, I just was looking at the city recreation program activities, and there's a lot of interesting things to do.  I could have an active enjoyable life here, if I'm honest with myself and stop being so snooty about this place.  Between the recreation activities and volunteer opportunities and bicycle access to nearly everything I want or need, there are only really two things missing for me now: quality healthcare and friend network.  I will keep trying to find a good doctor as I think it's possible, just difficult, and I think that when I quit my job that I will have much more bandwidth to show up for people for friendship, and more interaction with volunteering and recreation to interact with people.  Also it will be easier to attract friends when I stop being so snooty about this place.  There are people worth being friends with.  Also, it will be a lot easier when my dog is no more, and I can not have to always think about her comfort level.  

And I am still very open to moving elsewhere, I just don't know to where.  I have been thinking fondly about northern Louisiana, but that may just have been a blip of a wonderful time for me there where everything fell into place (except financially, so I had to leave).  People loved me there, and I do miss that.  

Things have been more falling into place lately with work, less feeling like I'm grinding a rusty old gear all the time.  It may be temporary but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.  

OK, I'm feeling like spending some money so I think I'll head to the farmers market, and then I want to go to the vacuum store.  I'm eyeing a Miele canister and I'd like to see one in person and then wait for a good sale, or maybe find a refurbished one.

Time to hit this Saturday.