avoid the lifestyle creep

 I don't want to curse myself, but it appears that things may have taken a turn.

I got a raise at work and they hired someone to take some of my burden away and I just got reassigned a new team that is actually excellent.  I stood up to a bully and she actually was nice to me today, and others are showing me more respect for what I do.  I do things differently, more collaboratively, but they are realizing that doesn't mean weaker.  Maybe.  Tomorrow could be a different day where everything sucks, but today was good. 

And I have to be really careful about lifestyle creep, now that I'm making more money than ever before.  Just because I can afford to buy things doesn't mean I should.  I need to be socking away all the money I can to pay off my mortgage really early - something that needs to happen before I can retire.  

Kitchen renovation are kind of stalled.  I'm able to use it now - sink and range are in - which slowed momentum, and a grieving friend was here this weekend which had the dog up all night keeping me awake, which made me too tired to figure out complicated finish carpentry.  It's fine.  This is a much easier project than my houses in New Orleans, which were much bigger jobs.  All other houses I've lived in haven't required me to put this effort in. I'm hoping I'll get more done on this long weekend, like the refrigerator in the kitchen.  I wanted to really focus on mulching too (I've still got like 12 cu yds of leaves to move around, as it's very slow going for me), but it's supposed to be really cold which meals the big wet leaf pile will be frozen and very difficult to deal with.  It's ok, I'll get it done one way or another.  My friend said she'll be back in the next few weeks for her adult sons to help us finish the project - they are so sweet, as chores are our love language.  But that depends on their schedules and such.  I want the leaves done so I can then put a layer of woodchips down to fully block the grass to smother it but also to reduce all the mud in my backyard that gets on my dog's feet.  The sooner the better for that, but it's all a process. 

still remodeling the kitchen

 Nearing an end, but not the end.

I'm hanging doors, leveling them, and then the handles will go in.  I take my time with the finish work because it shows so much and I have to live with this.

I hit a breaking point with the backsplash; every one of Friend's tools chipped the fuck out of it, making it unusable.  And I didn't really want to use it, TBH.  So I started calling around for someone to do a backsplash, but then I realized I need the counters redone first.  I hadn't planned to do that for a couple of years but I may escalate the timeline.  The laminate countertops look good except for the cuts.  But I probably want to uplevel to a thin quartz, and then a tile backsplash, and THEN I can call it all good.  After the doors, I need to figure out the microwave install to vent outside, and then we drag in the range, and then I get a thingamabob that I have to try out to see if it works and then I'll build around it, and then I can move in my fridge.  That will really make it seem like I have a kitchen again, instead of in my living room.  Then we have to replace the door to the mudroom, and install baseboards.  I have toe kicks and fillers to do as well, and the last cover panels.  It really is nearing the end, especially since I gave up on the laminate backsplash and just caulked the fuck out of all my cabinet edges.  Friend was super impressed with the caulking job because I run a mean bead.  I'm also really fussy about giving it sufficient cure time before messing with it.  

A lot of waiting with this project, which is fine as long as it's just to percolate and not to have to actively think.  But I'll be really glad when it's done.  Maybe two more weekends.  

I went back to work today after like 10 days off and it was not terribly painful.  They are hiring another person for my department which makes all of our workloads lessen.  That and all the people coming back from maternity leave and a competent team could make my work life so much easier.  Today for the first time in a long time, I wasn't pressured by the weight of work.  Two people made decisions that took away a huge project for me and I'm very relieved.  Not killing myself for work is a good look.

Merry Christmas, all

 Merry Christmas!

Things are moving along here.  Work is still brutally demanding, and I'm very deep into a kitchen renovation AND a yard renovation, which is all too much.

One of my main reasons for moving here was to be closer to close friends.  

Yesterday was Christmas Eve, and Friend was here helping install cabinets all day.  At lunchtime I tried to order a pizza to be delivered and I couldn't find anyplace open.  

So I called another friend who had had a party the night before that I had missed because of kitchen work.  She had said she had a ton of leftovers and she'd try to drop some off, so thinking I could expedite that I asked if we could stop by?  "Yes, come!  We have ceviche and my family are coming."  "Oh, I don't want to crash ... " "No, it's all good, come!"  

And she heated up leftovers for us and we had a lovely feast of leftover party food, ceviche, and various homemade pickles.  Friend had never had ceviche before and was very impressed.  It was made by an Ecuadorian so I'm not surprised (though it had shrimp which I cannot eat).  

So I looked at Friend on my left, without whom I could not be doing this kitchen project, and my friend to the right, who lets me show up to feed me in my worst clothes and unshowered (and I probably smelled bad), and I was filled with gratitude and thought, "mission accomplished." 

rawdogging through life

 Saw a meme the other day that I can't seem to find again - about how everyone is medicated but shockingly some people are doing without meds and rawdogging through life.  

It's really struck me.  Because it's pretty true.  I remember 20+ years ago I was a middle school teacher and in my department everyone was on medication for anxiety, depression, etc. except for me and a total jerk who maybe was but wouldn't admit it.  It was a really hard job which I loved but also left.  I don't medicate, I leave.  Perhaps situational novelty keeps me even tempered.  Ish.

This job is actually harder in a lot of ways.  The anxiety I had at the beginning which manifested in my digestive tract is pretty much gone, thank goodness.  I also stopped eating so many vegetables which also helps, unfortunately.  But I am constantly pursued by stress.  There's always so many deadlines, so much to do, so many people wanting things from me.  I'm working long hours and I cannot seem to catch a break.  It is a constant barrage for all of us in my position, and we have to stand in for each other so I spend 20-50% of my time doing other people's work on top of my overfull calendar so I'm beyond exhausted.  And they tried to hire another person but had no qualified applicants, so they just gave up recruitment.  Which really sucks for us.  I have one colleague who is a saint, in all the good ways - not sanctimonious or anything, just genuinely kind.  She works probably 70 hours per week every fucking week because she says yes to every need.  I can never keep up with her but I seem to try.  Most of the team helps, and I've never gone with a coverage need unmet, but it's fucking exhausting to cover like this. IF I could phone it in that would be easier, but I just can't.  I tried a few months ago and it blew up terribly, so on I push. 

Being saddled with problematic support does not help my stress load at all.  

Things will continue to get easier in many ways, as I get more skilled in this particular role.  I am not everyone's flavor but I seem to be given the benefit of the doubt by some important people which helps.  I'm sort of a notorious communicator in that I will reach out to discuss everything that can be worked out that way, which annoys some people but is seen quite favorably by important people.  I am generally pretty reasonable and accommodating, and I show up with a solid work ethic, and frankly things could be a lot worse for me if I didn't.  Some of my team present less so somehow and they are targeted and their lives more difficult.  But all the communication and accommodation and all that takes so much time and energy from me.  Sometimes it pays off but sometimes it's just so much work. 

Anyway, I'm tired and I don't know that I can keep up this pace for at least four and a half more years.  

OF course the kitchen reno is taking a massive toll on me, to live in this chaos of unfinished project.  And that's just me needing order in my life to be on track.  but it's a vicious cycle because I'm overwhelmed by the project and not making headway. 

That's not fair, because my friends are keeping me on track.  I'm not spending hours every day working on it because I don't have hours every day to give, but we make steady progress.  I think I need to devote some time to chipping plaster and cutting wire to make easier edges against which to hang new drywall.  Then Friend will come back for us to finish this hanging, and then other friend will roll into town with her drywall tools, ready to jump in.  Her energy will invigorate me, it always does.  

I'm looking forward to getting to the other side of this renovation, but I still have to figure out how to not let my job completely consume me.  

I don't want to be on medications to manage.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, and I know it helps many people so much.  But I want to craft a life that I can get through enjoyably without support of substances except for coffee. 

kitchen remodel blues

I knew a lot about the stress of remodeling a kitchen from others - how hard it is to not have a sink, how disruptive it is, how long it can take.  

But it still sucks.

The electrician came yesterday and took away all my outlets but one, so I can't even set up a camp kitchen now.  Having workers in my house is always really stressful, but this was less than usual - he was very good with the dog, and the dog and I stayed behind a door to the bedrooms.  It was more work than expected and his office was upset with me for not disclosing all that, but he stayed until the kitchen was done.  Well, done for now.  Once I install everything including backsplash, he'll come back to finish up.  

And all that's a long way out, it feels.  

We put up a bit of drywall yesterday after electrician, but Friend and I were both too exhausted to do much.  If I rally this week, I need to chip away plaster and cut back wire more to get clean edge against which to lay new drywall.  The two layers are ridiculous; my kitchen was built with 1/2" plaster on top of 1/2" drywall, and this is a beast .  

I also have a lot of drywall damage to repair, from pulling off old backsplash and adhesive to cuts for electrical. I toyed with just removing whole walls and replacing the whole thing, but doing it twice because of the two layers is exhausting.  This whole thing is exhausting.

Once we get the drywall up and taped and mudded, then I'll prime and paint.  Then I'll wait for flooring to be delivered and then get that installed.  If it gets further delayed, I may start installing upper cabinets.  After flooring install, we'll get to the exciting bits, the assembly and install of cabinets and then countertops and sink and dishwasher.  That will all be a beast.  

I will be so very happy when this is all done!

the grind

 I was long a teacher, and before that often associated with schools, so I am accustomed to a solid two-week Christmas vacation.  Summers off.  Spring break, Thanksgiving holidays.  A total of about 185 working days, leaving half of life to be a life.  

I've struggled with this ever since, because I do not pace myself.  I sprint too much, waiting for the weeks to recover.  But the weeks never come, unless I quit and have time before a new one starts. The last job was fine in this regard, with the 6.5 hour workdays, the going home for lunch almost every day, the never staying late.  It was a pain to have to work in person but the trade-off of not taking work home was sweet. But this current job with too many 14-hour days and working weekends is taking a toll.  My schedule is so packed that I cannot find a break here or there to do medical things, for example, much of the time.  

But now is a little quiet, with some days with nothing requiring my presence.  There's always work to do, of course, but I do not have to dress up and be physically there.  That makes me have time for the appointments and the errands, and I am delighted.  

The problem is that I forget to lean into this quiet.  I always end up taking on more.  And so I'm blocking things out.  Electrician today, after waiting so many weeks.  Optometrist.  Day off for friend visit/help?  I want to be selfish with my time, not volunteering to help everyone.  I'm sure that won't work out for me because it never does, and management keeps assigning me more things because I'm more open than usual right now, but to carve out at least some down time will be good.  To stop feeling guilty for taking a lunch hour, or even time off at end of day.  To focus energies on other things I need done.  

The kitchen is coming along.  HOpefully the electrician can finish today and then Friend will come and we hope to put up the drywall today.  There is drywall and then a thick layer of plaster on it so it's a little tricky.  I'll work on removing old backsplash adhesive and other fun things, and hopefully other friend will come to do all the mudding, and we'll remove the rest of the cabinets and dishwasher and sink, plunging me into camping land.  I'll follow the mudding with paint prep and then I'll paint.  The windowframe is a mess and I'll need some time and maybe a heatgun to make it better.  I'm thinking of just going with the same color I have throughout the rest of the house.  I chose the flooring and it's a modestly retro feel of vinyl sheeting.  I"ll get that in once the painting is finished.  And then we'll start install, sink side first, to get me back into civilization.  Dishwasher and stove will arrive for my install.  

And then I'm taking off the whole last week of December to finish all the things.  The under cabinet lighting, the toe kicks, the handles, all the last things.  And then I'll turn back to the rest of the house to get doorknobs installed and finish all the other little tasks.  And hopefully I'll have time to curl up with some good books and do some quilting.  Maybe sort out some yard situations.

And then it all starts again, all the craziness and stress.  

I so look forward to retirement.   

mud

The story of this house is mud.  I have to roughly clean the dog's paws every time she goes outside, now that it's rainy season.  The heavy machinery and other digging messed up the backyard grass, so here we are with a stack of towels and grabbing dog paws.  Tomorrow I'm hoping some guys will lay leaves and woodchips and that will make it better.  

But that's not really what this is about. 

I had to work today, the first time I had to work the day after Thanksgiving in decades.  As I got into my car I saw a missed call from my friend a few hours away, one of my closest friends and where I usually spend Thanksgiving when I'm on this coast but couldn't travel to this year.  She called to ask when would be a good time for her to take time off and come help me mud my kitchen ceiling and walls.  

She's actually a highly skilled archaeologist, but once during a slow time she picked up drywall skills with her then-girlfriend.  She's so hard-working and just takes everything in stride.  We love her tales of archaeology and climbing up trees when wild boars came after her, shimmying up and sitting coolly for hours, smoking cigarettes with the pouch tobacco I used to send her because she couldn't buy it there.  She's actually doing entirely different things now, though she still flies back to help her busy friend with archeology.  She's the kind of friend who uses her days off to helps her friends in a bind.  And she was coordinating with me to see when I could be that friend.  Plus we just want to hang out for a long weekend together; we haven't gotten to do that without her kids since ... like 25 years.  This is the town where we met, 35 years ago.  

This town has given me a lot, which I was also reminded of with the large Thanksgiving feast yesterday.  People who have cared for me for decades.  The hardest part was hearing from Friend's niece that she feels kind of stuck because she's raising the kids alone in many ways - her husband works over an hour away, and there's nobody who can lend a hand with her high-needs kiddo who needs to leave school almost every day.  I wish I could be there to help, but she's on the other side of the continent, and I'm here to help her aunt not get financially scammed and get settled into a quality retirement with activities to keep her alive.  They all ask, "How long will you stay?" and are not surprised when I cannot answer that.  

Returning is pretty much exactly as I imagined, except for the really difficult job.  What I wanted was to be back in close community, with people who show up for me and whom I show up for.  I'm still overwhelmed with the town.  It is what it is.  

I have 52 more months until I can retire, at the earliest.  That's better than 60.  

And hopefully once this kitchen project is over, I'll get healthier again.  I'm not committed to eating well and I use any excuse to eat junk food.  Not having a kitchen is a good excuse.  But I need to do better.  But that's not happening now. 

I got a microwave and a hot plate to use during the renovation, from my local Buy Nothing group.  People are so helpful and generous.