the simple things

 I am ridiculously excited that I just ordered 15 cubic yards of leaves to be dumped on my front yard in the next couple of months to build up my soil.  Gleeful about this.  I'm gonna need a bigger wheelbarrow and a pitchfork and I'll be golden.  

Arranging the removal of a large sweetgum, the stump grinding guy if I wanted the grindings hauled away for $150 or kept on site.  Then he sent me a picture and holey moley it's like soil building gold.  That plus the chipped up branches plus these leaves?  I'm so fucking excited.

Where the sweet gum is, I"ll put garden beds.  It's a pretty big space so I can put in quite a few.  And a place that sells nice ones that last a long time is on sale this week so I should definitely go check it out.  

That's what's exciting in my life right now.

And when this monster project is over, I've got a very long list of things to do to continue to make my house a home. 

at maximum

 I worked all weekend on my office job, taking only short breaks to run to the grocery store and try to rip out some of the black plastic somebody laid in the yard and then put dirt on. 

Pro tip: if you are ever in my yard and think, Does she want me to put down plastic?, the answer will always be no.  That I'm having to dig this out in TWO houses in a row is nuts, and this is thicker, tougher plastic than the last.  I'm sure they put it in as some sort of weedblock that I'm now unleashing like a force of evil, but I do not want plastic particle bits in the soil.  And that was actually kind of a welcome break because my eyes are all buggy from staring at a computer screen pretty much without break.  

I'm at maximum load and maximum speed.  I have no more to give.  I have this huge project that was just this big pile of mush for ages and now I have finally gotten a little texture to it and it's due very soon.  That my team is a challenge does not help.  It's all ridiculous.  

OH, and when I called out right away that my team member wants to get fired and sue the company?  Yep, nailed it.  Just don't love so much that I'm collateral damage.

As a by-product of the workload and needing to up my productivity, my email inbox at work is EMPTY, which is actually kind of creepy.  I just couldn't find what I needed so it's all in folders.  I don't know why the search function doesn't work right for me.  I need to figure that out.

It's definitely fall here.  I should probably start turning on the heat but I won't until my fingers are too cold to move.  Just ordered a warm comforter.  

Still hemorrhaging cash, as a move and house does.  Got two quotes on removal of a huge sweet gum that takes up the whole side yard.  The second guy was much better and cheaper.  He noted where it had been topped before and likely where the rot extends to from that, none of which did the other guy look close enough to see.  And even better, this guy can cut the thick solid trunk into rounds for me to process as firewood, and chip the rest and leave it on site for me.  I'll have stump and roots ground.  Hopefully we can line this up soon (he's waiting to hear from his stump grinding guy and then will give me a final quote), because then I'm going to bring in a very thick layer of leaves to smother the grass  Late winter I'll put in garden beds, and then I'll be rolling with my own little farm in the side yard. 

There's just so much bounty here this time of year and I am itching to do more preserving but have had zero time of late.  I think we go into a slow time at work for December, and I've got a few days off planned for November, and hallelujah because I'm weary as fuck.  This week is going to be really hard.  I'm on fumes and have to keep pushing through.  I worked 70 hours the past week.  And I know there are people who work more, but that's a lot.  And I'm old and decrepit and tired, and I don't have leftover bandwidth.

But I did make a year-end farmers market in bulk order to pick up next month, for things like persimmons to fresh eat and dehydrate, cabbage to make sauerkraut, chicken goat and lamb bones to make stock to can, beets to pickle and experiment with storage, and quinces to I don't know yet.  Manymany years ago I moved to Germany and lived with a family who relied a lot on what they grew including quince.  It's such a beautiful tree and fragrant fruit that it charmed me, and I don't even remember how we ate it but I did like it.  Maybe just stewed as dessert.  Probably.  I plan to plant a quince tree in my front yard.  I love living where I can grow stone fruit.  Next year I'll be better with all the fruit bounty in my backyard - there are so many wasted tasty green plums this year currently being devoured by yellow jackets, but next year more will be shared and eaten. 

The difference between the previous job that I had to quit for working weekends and on-call is that I am actually enjoying much of this job.  WEll, that's not true, I enjoyed that job too.  I think the difference is that the intense pressure will let up.  Things will get a lot easier with time and practice.  The things I had to do this past weekend could have been done four weeks ago when I had a not busy time - but I didn't know that.  Now I know.  Next time will be better.  Easier.  It's like building my Ikea dresser - the first drawer took me over an hour, the last less than ten minutes.  

So, I know it will get better and easier.  I can do interval working, with bouts of intensity surrounded by some lulls.  I can take vacations.  

So today I think I might make it the five years to retirement (or really probably more like eight years if I want to pay off this house, which I very much do).  If I pay off the house, I can afford to live here in this town, which is boring and too self-satisfied, but there is a lot for nerdy me to do.  Lots to help with food insecurity, to start.  I could finally become a Master Gardener and Master Food Preserver and Master Composter and all the things.  And I"ll likely need to be providing caregiving of some type for Friend.  IF she passes like her mother, in her sleep after a good day of gardening, that will be only six years from now, and that is upsetting to consider.  So I don't.  But she is the only reason this is the town I chose to return to.

OK, I should shower and get this day started.  I can think about retirement another time. I have to survive all this to get there first.

more things done

 I had to let linemen into my backyard today for some things.  It was a kinda stressful process of people calling me to commit to just leaving my backdoor accessible for days.  The actual people on-site were super reasonable and it became a total non-hassle.  Yay.

Then the people came to remove the hot tub.  They were a little late, which is fine because they called with ample notice.  They were quick, efficient, no damage, cleaned up.  Super reasonable, though one guy kept trying to sell the company to me and I"m like "Dude, I already hired you, shut up."  They had the good gear and truck to make it happen and it was three strong people.  It's a small family-owned company, and there were two brothers and their good friend from childhood who is deaf.  (He seemed to appreciate the very little sign language I know, or at least humored me.)  If I had tried to do it, it would have been awful.  So glad I paid that $475.  And now it's gone.  And i can figure out how to refinish the boards of shed/patio.  There were rats actively living in the hot tub, not just previous damage, and one ran out when they were moving it.  I am so fucking glad it's gone.  Fucking rats. 

I couldn't sleep last night from the stress but the workday actually turned out really good.  Seeing all sorts of people in the office and talking, like real office talk.  One person who's been there a long time who has seemed to barely tolerate me (I'm awkward) was cool with me today.  I've won her over by volunteering to help a lot.  She was sharing personal things today.  Another coworker was grateful I asked and started talking about caring for her elderly relatives.  Another coworker could possibly become my jamming buddy; she has a busy social life but she might go out graping with me this weekend.  Other rewarding interactions as well; that has been super rare and I'm grateful for it even if I've waited six months for it. 

And I have this huge work project next week, and I got a call that it might actually be much less of an ordeal than planned.  That would be an incredible life bonus right now.  I won't know until Monday unfortunately, or maybe even later, but I'll still take it whenever it comes. 

My colleague on the DL said he thought my horrible team member might get fired next week, but then he learned she's not.  So, whatever.  I keep tolerating the sabotage because what else can I do?  Our reports are unheeded.  I sent another report today.  I told him the hardest part is that she can be SO excellent.  But 99% of the time, it's shit and sabotage.  It's rough.  OK, maybe only 90% of the time, but that's way too much.  She needs to lose her job for so many reasons, but I do not wish her ill at all.  I think she is a broken child, but my trauma-informed response doesn't make me able to do my job. 

I really need to get a spigot in my backyard.  I got one quote but the guy creeped me out and I need to try again.  I need to get that tree guy to come again if he will; I'm finally getting a handle on what all I have in my backyard and what I want to keep or not.  I have so many volunteers, heaps of things I want gone like privet, and plums that want to thicket me in.  If I could pay him for a few hours, it would clear up a lot and I can continue my anti-ivy and anti-blackberry campaign, in conjunction with the anti-morning glory.  NOw's the time, before snow comes.  I also need to get the landscape design guy back and tell him what he's going to do.   We're going to talk about how I need to prep the ground and how to design different sections.  Too much tree talk.  Soon I"ll be able to have heaps of leaves delivered and I'll wheelbarrow them all around.  It's the kind of physical labor I secretly love.  

My house is a pigsty but I dont' have the bandwidth to all that needs to be done.  I need to cook and mash potatoes for vegan shepherd's pie, and that will probably be my last chore today.  HOpefully I sleep well tonight and tomorrow will be less weary.

I also need to start planning fence expansion and massive sweet gum removal.  I might wait until spring, not sure.  

Oh, and I got some tests ordered from my medical provider.  I"d like to figure out the pain flare-ups, and I might wait to go take the tests when I'm in pain.  What sucks is how much better I feel without exercise and when eating poorly. 

why I push

 Three months ago or more, a colleague called me to rant.  He was so upset, livid. Demands were placed on him to help people, and he didn't want to give the benefit of the doubt.  He wanted to assume that things wouldn't work out, slamming me with his years of experience.

It was a very long conversation and very upsetting.  At first I tried to be supportive and coaching, but then I got to the point of basically telling him to do his fucking job, and he said he would until he could find another.  

I have stayed on his back, especially since it's clear I couldn't trust him.  His direct supervisor looped in on everything.  I made him give me regular reports, and i pushed him when he said something wasn't possible.  I wasn't mean generally, though sometimes I got a bit short.  

I know that I can seem mean, rude.  I get overwhelmed and short-tempered and it's no excuse and I try to stop myself but sometimes I just dont have any more patience. 

Today he sent me this email after something we'd been working on, "I appreciate how you are so involved and support me!  I also appreciate how you apply the vision for change functionally in your work.  Thank you!!!"

A win?  Maybe.  A small one.  He will go back to bitching and I'll keep forcing him to humanize and be understanding of imperfect people.  He is doing better, though.  And I'll keep watching him.  

I had another person thank me last week for humbling her, by forcing her to see other people's perspectives.  

Look, I am difficult.  I'm not comfortable for the vast majority of people to be around.  I'm prickly, I'm very demanding.  But as hard as I push others, I push myself.  I'm on this lifelong quest to grow.  

But the other truth about me, called out many years ago by a family member to whom I no longer speak, was brought up in line at Costco.  The cashier person asked how I am, I asked how he is, he said bad, I asked why, he said that's nice I care, I said yeah, it's easier to care about strangers than people I know.  

Strangers have it easy with me.  I give the benefit of the doubt to anyone I don't know.  But if you're in my sphere, I will challenge you at every turn, and I'll be fucking awkward.  It can be hard to like me.  I'm not everyone's flavor. 

But at the end of the day I don't give a fuck about how liked i am.  What I care about is, "Did I do well?  HOw can I do better?  HOw can we?"  

And dude, change is me.  I am change.  I don't know anyone who has lived more lives than me - more locations, more careers, more all new all the fucking time.  

I'm tired as fuck and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

lucky

 I know I say it here all the time, and it may be the non-flaring pain, but I just cannot get over how lucky I am with this life.  

The only real life goal that I had was to have a house and a dog.  When I was 19 years old, I saw a detergent commercial once with a man who awoke with his dog and took it for a walk and then they ran back into the house, and I said, that. That is what I want.  A cute little house and a smart midsize dog.

And so I've had a dog for much of my adult life, and I've had numerous houses.  I now make better money than I ever have before (which is good because I'm older than I ever was before) and my life is just fucking sweet.  I have a job where I'm kind of a badass and do good, I have a house with a fucking garage and covered patio and mudroom.  I mean, what kind of fancy am I?  

And living right near where I can share food is fucking brilliant.  Do I want lasagna?  Yes.  Do I want a whole pan?  no.  Pack it up and share it.

I have fucking fruit trees and the dog and I really enjoy just going out and eating fruit together. These green plums are great!  We're nearing their end of season and it's been a very good run - Friend, dog, and I have had a lot, other visitors, and a bunch to other people. Despite all that, there are still so many on the ground, and next year I'll be better about picking and distributing them to waste less.   The last of the pears will go into the dehydrator tomorrow.  Maybe I'll figure out all those apples, but maybe not.  And it's ok if I don't this year.  I have heaps of time.  I'll be here five years.  

Though TBH it'll be really hard to give up my job.  Not the actual work - that is tough and exhausting - but the great salary and benefits.  My health insurance is almost free and it is pretty good.  OK, maybe that's the only benefit I"ll miss - they are so stingy with the others, like parking and even water in the office.  (Everyone here says the tap water is so great, but if it's not filtered through my Berkey it gives me heartburn and tastes really bad to me.)  

I love my Berkey filter so much, and I"m so glad I learned about it years ago.  In case of emergency, I can use it to filter the nearby creek water.  So when my permaculture advisor pushes me to put in large water containment, I decline.  No need.  I definitely paid attention to that when buying this house.  I can also walk to a river if need be; it's not as close, but women walk farther for water in many parts of the world, and i have a wheelbarrow.  

That sort of symbolizes why I feel so content at this stage of life - I have accumulated items that so improve my quality of life, but more importantly the knowledge about them.  There are always new things to learn of course, but I've got much of what I need. 

Of course I am very simple.  I still use the plastic trunks for end tables that I have traveled with all around the world - they are great as luggage or mailed internationally.  They are just so convenient.  I have some art that I got from my Buy Nothing group and a yard sale, which I like and fits my vibe (earth tones with blue and green), and I don't even remember the last time I hung art on my walls.  If ever.  I don't usually need things like that to feel in my space.  

The dog and I slept hard for over eight hours last night so I'm feeling good today.  AFter getting the sourdough sorted and walking the dog, I'll drop off what I cooked yesterday to share. Yesterday I was dropping off things and another woman was there.  I thought she was taking things but she was giving - her apple tree apples mostly, and some PBJs (which was something I was also dropping off).  I wish we'd talked more; we talked about the plums and she took one.  I think we were both startled to see each other there as usually we just drop off and don't know the others who do.  The only things in the refrigerator were what she'd dropped, so it was definitely needed. She had her dogs with her and something about her just reminded her of me, the awkwardness and just helping because it needs to be done.  

OH, I need to source some local cabbage for sauerkraut.  Friend ate all that I planted (which was the purpose and I'm glad for it).  She'd overlooked a large zucchini in the garden that I grabbed and now need to figure out how to cook to share in a way that is tasty and economical.  One thing though about the sharing of food is that they want the ingredients listed, which totally makes sense and is very reasonable.  The problem is that my arthritic hand does not want to write that out and I don't have a working printer (I got one for free but I need to hook it up to get it working and then get ink).  To be required to label is a barrier, so I try to do enough. 

Heaps to do today, mostly all somewhat enjoyable (even if I dn't enjoy cleaning my house, I certainly enjoy it being clean; and even though I don't enjoy having to do my job on the weekends I definitely enjoy not being unprepared for important meetings), need to get rolling.  

worth driving around town

 I woke up this morning on a mission to make my house clean.  A neighbor was coming by at 1 to help me measure my kitchen for new cabinets and i had a lot to do. And with a deadline, I actually made it happen, yay. And at the same time I was seeing posts of things being given away that I was arranging, so the day ended up pretty great. 

- Neighbor, it turns out, is an architect.  He had great input on my kitchen.

- I got a painting with a color scheme that goes well in my living room and it's of a wharf which makes me nostalgic.

- I got a Blue Book for food preservation, which is always helpful. It had been very well-loved.

- I saw Friend and set her straight on some financial transactions. She better keep fucking checking with me going forward.

- I got a dozen yard eggs in barter for jam I made from plums from my backyard.  I liked her and she showed me around a bit.  It was cool to see all the transformations she'd made in her suburban lot to a dense food forest. 

- I made ten turkey sandwiches and picked plums to share with whomever needs it. (I went back an hour later and the plums and some of the sandwiches were gone and that makes me happy.) 

- I got more jun (like kombucha but green tea and honey).  I really like that I can just refill their bottles or mason jars because they have it on tap. 

- I got two free monstrous plants in pots - a gooseberry and a native dogwood. I liked how the guy had landscaped his yard and I even saw gaura which I love but I didnt know it grows here. 

- I checked the fluids in my truck and there is still no sign of the anticipated head gasket collapse.  

- I got pupusas that were really good.  

- Another batch of pears processed into the dehydrator.  Next year I am definitely setting up a net system because it is sad to see so many perfect good pears mangled when they fall down to the ground.  I cut around the bruises and such.  I've still processed several jars (they turned pink!  Probably because the tree doesn't get watered) and many in the dehydrator.  I think I've gotten probably 60 pears or so, and the neighbors have gotten some as well.  So it's a pretty great tree, I just need a net.   

- Friend came over to help cut some things up from mudroom reno so I can put it in my trashcan, but she forgot her saw (though she remembered a banana to share with the dog) so she hauled it away to cut up. 

The more connections and pathways I make in this town, the better for me both now and long-term.  

I keep thinking about how lucky I am.  On so many levels. 

talking to each other

 We have a new person in my office with my job.  She's not new to the job or I'd be looking out for her more; she knows much more than I do and has been in the business for years.  Someone who knows her from a previous job told me I'd really like her before she was even announced, and tbh I had no opinion for quite some time. 

But then yesterday she reached out.  At a staff meeting I had posed a tricky situation that I'm in and asked everyone their feedback.  Hers was right on the nose, and then she followed up with an email to me, offering to engage in a series of meetings to help me prepare on a big project of which this is a part - and which I've not ever done before but is a big part of my job.  

That kindness, that feeling not so alone, is wonderful.

I work with a dozen people in my position, and they are all lovely people.  If I reach out, they respond.  But we never have water cooler conversations and they never reach out to me to ask how I'm doing and what I need. The few times we're in the office together, their doors are closed. They never share things unsolicited.  They almost all know each other from before, having worked in other places together and brought each other on. I sometimes ask stupid questions because I'm tired or overthinking, and then I feel self-conscious and don't want to keep asking questions with "duh" answers.  I'm sure people think I'm an airhead, which is a very new look for me, and unfortunately I think is kind of true now because of my age, my fatigue, my health - and also because this is a hard fucking job usually done by young, energetic people.  And I just need to do good enough to not lose the job. 

And so of course things could be so much worse with the people I work with, but it is lonely to be frank.  I feel very isolated.  I have much closer relationships with people who are not my direct colleagues, which is peculiar but I just lean into it because what else am I going to do.  I'm grateful for those people.  

So to have one of my colleagues reach out and offer to workshop with me - that's game-changing potentially.  I love to workshop.  I love sharing and hearing thoughts and pulling together.  We can all improve when we communicate in this way.

Here's hoping it's not empty promises and that we actually convene and make this a new habit.  It will significantly improve my work life if it does.