checking references

 AFter I nudged the possible west coast job yesterday, today they started calling references.  A former mentor gave me a heads up they had called her. 

And so I continue to struggle with the decision to leave or stay.  Today I helped a colleague who works where I toy with working, and it became very clear that I could do that job well.  It is a high stress high turnover job, and I think it doesn't pay great, but the skills I would master.  Oy.  And of course there's this house, which I bought as a long-term investment seven years ago, thinking I could live here until mobility was a problem.  There's a lot of stairs.   But the good of this house is holding it long-term. 

***

Next day: there were potential buyers by no offer (yet).  My realtor keeps giving me details about the buyers and I really do not give a fuck.  That only matters if I'm in a multiple offer situation.  All I care about is if they are writing an offer and if it is reasonable.  

I just checked with my insurance guy and it is VERY hard to get insurance now, and only the insurer of last resort is available and they're jacking up rates.  The quotes potential buyers got would put ONLY INSURANCE at about $550 or more per month, and there are significant deductibles.  Add the cost of taxes and the actual mortgage, and it's too high to buy.  Plus you need a significant savings to cover deductibles and what's not covered by insurance when (not if) hurricanes hit hard.

Fuck.

I knew it was bad - I keep seeing news articles about insurers leaving the state or going out of business.  But this is worse than I knew.  

Insurance guy says my insurance is half that because I'm not trying to get a new policy and also because my credit score is so high.  But selling? I should stop and wait until 2024.

Finally I get some good advice.  Advice I wish my realtor had given to me before I lost my excellent tenant and spent a grand updating a license.  

So.  I'm going to wait to see if I get a job offer and how well it pays.  If it's super good, then I'll consider taking it and dropping my house price so low that an asshole investor will swoop it up and squeeze working class people.  

But I'm definitely leaning towards staying, putting my house on the market in March 2024.  Why?  I could move into the job that will teach me skills for something I want to do after I retire, my landscaping will fill in.  I'll put a few grand more into the house (insurance, hot water heater) but try not to do any big projects.  I'll get a tenant, maybe a roommate.  Keep gardening and producing lots of my own food.  Use more of that food, make it central to my diet.  Focus on my health in general, starting exercise regularly.  Consider joining a nice gym nearby and ride my bike to work more.  Finish all quilting projects.  

***

It's a lovely Sunday and I'm spending the day puttering around the kitchen.  Tamale pie in the slow cooker, just ate pasta with greens and beans.  Moving things I use back out to where they're usable and not shoved back in a closet.  And of course there's another showing on Friday.  Oh well, they can see the house as I actually live in it.  

Getting my bike tires sorted out to ride tomorrow.  

Planning to share food more through the community fridges.  I've done it a little but I want to do more.  I got pretty turned off when I looked at a couple fridges and they were filthy.  But I think what I'll do is take cleaning wipes and a trash bag with me and just plan to spend a little time on that before dropping anything off.  I have some containers now that I can put leftovers in to share (since I often make six servings of things and can only eat thrice at most), and I have productive greens from the garden to share as well.  These fridges are used heavily by people who need them.  I can also use this as an excuse to bake more since I could drop pieces off instead of eating them all.

I've been cooking through what I already have which is always fun.  No going to the store, just using what I got.   

I've been focused so long on renovating my house that so many things fell to the side and I want to get back to them.  Things like alternative transportation and volunteering.  Core values that I ignored while in survival mode (which is what not having a roof did to me; I know other people are more advanced but it threw me hard). 

OF course that kitchen apartment isn't going to be painted without me so I need to clean up my kitchen and then move on in there for a couple of hours.  

It was raining really hard and I really am enjoying just hanging out in my house. 

how to count

 Perhaps because of my extensive academic history, I know that statistics can say different things depending on how you focus them.  It's the same with money.  

How do I set the price to sell my house?  Do I look at comps?  Do I look at the Zillow value estimate?  Do I look at how much I paid for it and have put into it?  Do I then take that figure and tack on a 5% ROI?  Do I consider that I've lived here very inexpensively usually and run the hypo as if I'd had to pay $1,500 mortgage?  

All of that.  And I have some more interest, some more showings, but this supply is just glutted at this price range and the market is so sluggish.  

I woke up in a great mood and I'm clearing the house to clean for showings tomorrow, and I just keep marveling how this house is all I need.  It always has been.  There are lots of things not to like, but it is everything I could want.  If I stay, the main things I want to throw money at are a couple new appliances for the apartment (they're pretty beat up) to get it rented out, and attic insulation.  Then a new more efficient water heater (mine's 15 years old and not efficient).  Eventually new heating and cooling systems.  

And I really think again about solar panels with battery backup.  It really would make all the difference in hurricane aftermath. I bought a little solar generator that will be great for things like running fans and lights, but if I could run some AC and refrigerator and stove after a storm, that would be amazing.  The lives that my friends with whole house generators were living after Ida versus what I was were night and day different.

The thing is, I got a quote last year and a system was quoted to me at about $40K, and that includes the 26% tax credit.  I laughed.  But now I look at the numbers a little differently.  To get a whole house generator and install it would be approximately $10,000.  But that's not the real price, because I would have to get natural gas run to my house.  There used to be gas at the house but after Katrina the previous owner never got it set back up again and instead got all electrical appliances replacements.  I can see where there used to be gas hookups for things like dryer and water heater.  Had it been done then, his Road Home grant probably would have helped, but he spent that money differently.  And while I like a gas stovetop with the best of them (the responsiveness!), the more I research gas I'm really glad I don't have it in my house.  Truth is that my water heater and dryer are more expensive t run as electric, but it probably is about a wash because if I had gas to my house I'd have to pay more than just for usage.  I used to have gas at previous houses and I was always surprised by the base charge.  So it's not actually that much more expensive for me to have all electric, and I'm not poisoning myself.  

But if I wanted to get a whole house generator and not have a massive warehouse of flammable liquids t pour in, I'd need to get plumbed into the gas line.  And that now with permits and all, is estimated to cost approximately $10,000.  I might could get it cheaper, but I was told that estimate but somebody who knows.  

So real cost of a whole house generator for comfort in a hurricane is approximately $20,000.  That starts to make a $40,000 whole house solar system with backup battery a whole lot more reasonable, eh?  

The real truth about a solar system is that even though New ORleans is the only place in Louisiana with net metering, is that it would still take me about 30 years to pay off a system.  My electric bills are int the shoulder seasons less than $100/month (even with the two households) and never more than $200, and my electric company charges to be on the grid even if there's net metering.  So maybe my bill gets reduced to $50/month.  I'm maybe saving at most $1,000 per year.  That's 40 years to pay off the system - which won't last that long, and neither will I.  But if it's a quality of life issue and an environmental issue (though I'd really rather that our grid were providing green energy and it wasn't on individual homeowners) and also I'd get a nicer utility bill, then it starts to be more reasonable. 

Anyway, I still haven't heard about the west coast job.  They are kind of weird how they do things.  

It's Friday.  I'm ready to slay another day and slide into the weekend, and I'm really looking forward to the two back-to-back long weekends coming up.  I've got a great book to read and jigsaw puzzles and I want to get back to a quilting project.  So much fun stuff.  And that's if I'm staying.  If I'm leaving, I'll get to use the time packing and purging which is also fun at first.  I should definitely know by then.  I am trying to handle this limbo of my future with grace and clearly failing.  But things will be resolved soon and decisions will be made and that will be satisfying no matter how it turns out.  

I was watching Fleischman is in Trouble, which I enjoy a lot more than I expected to, and he lives in NYC and got a dog and had to run out to the sidewalk.  I leaned over and hugged my dog and said, "Baby, you will always have a backyard, I promise.  Here or with auntie or wherever we go, you will always have space of your own to toilet and to be a dog."  IT's also a promise to myself, because we lived about eight months in an apartment without a yard and we made the best of it but it was really awful.  Funny thing is, that moldy rundown 420 sq ft place without a yard - the rent cost more than my mortgage here, where I have everything I need.  It makes me nervous to leave, honestly. 

troops

 My two closest friends at work left, I was told I'd have to give up my beloved office with beautiful view, and I was bummed.  

I'm holding strong on the office and hustling every day to prove how indispensable I am.  But more importantly is new relationships I'm forming, and how people I didn't really know are completely on my side.  They've been watching and now they're talking.  

And I feel a shift in the energy. People are fed up with the tyranny.  They're not going to take it.  And the tyrants are falling to pieces.  I haven't seen them in a very long time, since I put my foot down, but I hear they're trying with new people.  So I get questions like "She told me this.  Is it true?" And I laugh so hard my face turns tomato red and people think I'm having a health emergency because I'm laughing at the lies.  Oh, the lies.  

The difference is now we're fact checking.  They work SO HARD to silo people and we're burning the boundaries down to hold hands.  We're saying "You're so smart" and "You hustle and I love how you are so honest" and "I admire your courage" and "You're doing a great job" and "You are changing lives" and "I believe you and believe in you."  

And I'm calling out the sexism every chance I get.  And we're naming the bullying.  And we all reached these conclusions on our own.

I'm proud of my people.  And if and when I have to quit, I will have zero regrets. 

calamondin

 I have a calamondin tree that I put in my front yard last year and I just noticed today that it's full of ripe fruit, so I should make marmalade!  

I had five citrus trees in my backyard but two got destroyed with Hurricane Ida (neighbor's shingles), and the remaining ones got canker so I needed to remove and toss.  But the calamondin is fine, knock on wood.

I first encountered these little orange fruits when I lived in Oceania.  They are known by a local name and I had the juice on sashimi and it blew my mind.  It's an amazing marinade, and lemonade, and in gin and tonics.  It's fantastic. Some marmalade sounds delightful, and I just found a great recipe which is great because it breaks the work up into two or three days.  Though I may go out tonight with a headlamp to start because now I'm eager and have energy again.  Maybe I'll also assemble a lentil shepherd's pie to cook for dinner tomorrow night.  Yum.  I have a lot of potatoes to use up. 

It was not a bad day today and I think I'm finally shaking whatever bug hit me.  For the first time, I peeked into the office they think they're going to put me into and I laughed.  First of all, I have an overfull large filing cabinet with documents I need to do my job - and that won't fit in there because it's a tiny space (because they want to move me from the absolute best office in the whole building to absolutely the worst).  Secondly, they dumped in there all the binders and documents left behind by a coworker - who did something COMPLETELY different from me so none of it is any use.  So not only do they want to tell me that I have to move, but I will have to move heavy things myself AND move somebody else's things that they put in there AND not fit in the space.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Y'all, I am not exaggerating when I say this is bullying behavior.  I recognized it immediately and they just keep proving me right.  

I've had some chats with people at the place I think I want to work at, and today one got really excited because of how it would affect her.  They have all said things to the effect of "It's a great place to work to practice your passion, but it's complete chaos."  It's well known that it is.  And I am nervous about the stress affecting my health, but I also want to improve my skills and this would be the best way.  Every day I inch closer to applying.

But not yet because there are things up in the air.  Still waiting to hear about the job back west where I would also build skills and live with my BFF.  They got my reference list a few days ago and they have a long process.  

If I do not get that job, and I do not sell my house soon, I think I'll stay.  For a year or so and then reevaluate.  Will a hurricane be less awful if I have my solar generator and a solid roof?  Maybe.  

So I am definitely in limbo but feeling good either way.

I told my realtor to drop the price and she's not doing it.  She is not listening very well.  I know this is a complicated situation but my directions aren't unclear. 

***

Forgot to post, next day: health shaky again.  Not feeling well at all.  Cushiest job I've ever had but I still come home barely able to throw a ball for the dog in the backyard.  

Stress.  So much stress.  And I'm being much too impatient.  

I talked to somebody else who worked a long time in the job I'm thinking of applying for, and she STRONGLY recommended that I work there.  She was there until she got fired for a drinking problem.  I'm pretty certain the job wouldn't drive me to drink since I can't remember the last drink I had but I do remember that alcohol doesn't make me feel good.  I haven't done any binge drinking for over 30 years.  I think I'm solid.  

And I want to do the job.  I like the job, it satisfies things in me.  

But.  When I did the job before in a different place, it fucked with my health.  And so I'm very cautious.  

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, with my health.  

Am I resistant to leaving New Orleans because it's so much work to sell a house and pack up a life and move thousands of miles?  But once I arrive there, it will be so little personal work - living with a friend in her house would make my life so much easier.  So I can handle a difficult job there.  But here?  I used to be able to juggle so much and now I just get so tired.  I need to really focus on solving these issues.  Is it food related?  I can do an elimination diet. Do I need to exercise more?  I can do that, though it would have to be after work because when I've been better about exercise when done in the morning it can wipe me out the whole day.  Exercise never makes me feel better, but I do miss feeling stronger and more fit.  I don't know why I feel crappy most of the time, and it sucks.  I hate how it limits my life, like my caution about moving into this job that I would do very well. 

webs

 The nice thing about having to clean my house for potential buyers to view is that then my house is clean.  With all the repairs over the past year and a half I sort of let things fall into inertia - things sitting on my kitchen counter that I need to climb on a ladder to put away, tools tucked into a corner, that kind of thing.  But to really clean means making those things happen, and that's a delight to live in.  Until it falls apart again.  But it doesn't fall all the way apart because I took care of the big things, so now it's a quick process to keep it clean.

Realizing this morning that after a lifetime of jumping feet first into so many novel experiences, I'm tired.  And i'm not talking about "oh I have lived in 32 places in the United States and Europe."  No.  I mean, I have done that, but I've also made a life in some of the most difficult places in the world.  Places like Libya, Liberia, South Sudan.  I could take whatever came.

But now?  I'm tired.  I have a dog keeping me tethered and I am also bound just because I don't want a difficult life anymore.  

Which is not to say that I want to give up all the things.  Shortly I'm heading out to walk the dog, pick up eggs and seeds from a friend, drop off compost (since I prematurely gave away my compost bins).  Then I'll cut boards to reinforce my garden beds, plant seeds, put plants into the ground.  I walk into my backyard and it's big and beautiful.  I lean in to enjoy loquat blossom scent and get mobbed by bees and butterflies.  OK, fine, it's yours for now, please make lots of tasty fruit for me.  I cooked up garden greens last night and they were wonderful.

I have these systems and supports that make a web of life here.  So even if one thing falls - such as having to quit my job - then there are other things that hold me here.  

I'm concerned that my house won't sell.  I think there's a glut on the market now, high interest rates, and skyrocketing insurance.  And this is hard because I live here very well, so to sell it at a loss makes me cringe. My realtor keeps pushing no money down first time homebuyers with bad credit, and I don't think this is the house for that.  I think that leads to a lot of window shopping and hassle for me and her, but no actual purchase.  I don't mean to be snobby about people with bad credit, but that makes everything more expensive. And in New Orleans one should always have a nest egg, for things like replacing a roof or a cooling system.  

From the first moment that I arrived in New Orleans, I have felt at home.  I still feel that way.  I'm just tired of hurricanes and violent crime and government corruption and all those things.  I want to make better money, I want to be closer to my friends, I want to live in a place with efficient and effective governance.  

But I can stay.  I can lean in.  I could get solar panels with battery to weather storms and be a place of refuge.  I can find a different job that doesn't always feel so tentative (I've seriously never experienced a place with such high turnover and legitimate grievances).  I can get a tenant for the apartment, a roommate who loves Ziggy, and I can live well.  I have a life set up well here.  Just little things, like I noticed a lightbulb burned out and I just walked to my garage and pulled out a spare to replace it.  I have everything set up well like this, mostly.  If I stay I will want a living room furniture set (no more free castoffs) and a dresser and a kitchen pantry, but that's pretty much it.  Oh and a replacement compost bin.  But that's it.

But if I get offered this job that pays well and is in the town where I can live with my friend indefinitely to save up to buy a house, then I will very likely take it.  

Off to enjoy the day now.  Life is very good.  The universe is abundant.  I have opportunities in every direction. 

what will I find?

 I need to be out of my house for a few hours for workers, and so I take my dog to the office.  I take her mat, a water bowl, and some treats, and she's fine.  At least she was last time.  

Today though is a bit interesting because I will go in to see if they moved my office while I was out yesterday.  If they haven't, I will do some catchup work.  If they have ... well, I guess that if I still have personal items that I'll take them and go to work on Monday to clock in to get paid for the day and then resign effective immediately.  

I understand that this can be interpreted that I'm immature and narcissistic, to work against the team in this manner; the man in charge determined that it's in the team's best interest to move me and I should go along.  But that is a bullshit interpretation.  First of all, there is no team - everybody is in this for themselves.  Further, there is absolutely no reason to move me AND nobody else is being moved; all this does is move me from the most desirable office in the building to the least desirable and open up the desirable office to somebody who lacks my seniority and expertise.  This is a quality of life issue and a basic respect issue.  So I will not bend.

It is also important because other people are watching.  The "leadership" is so accustomed to bullying and abusing people with impunity, using them like Kleenex, and I will not tolerate that.  For example, they used to harass my predecessor anytime she was trying to pump after her maternity leave, and they forbade her from leaving the building during lunch.   And when the final straw was reached after she was screamed at, she found another job.  I'm doing the same and I'm also taking a stand. 

My actions may inspire others and the culture may change.  I can hope.  At the least, I get to leave with my self-respect intact. At the most, the "leadership" reconsiders treating people abusively and we make real change while I'm there.  

I'm not sure the two people in charge that I told I'll quit believe me since they keep assigning me big projects (even when i was out Friday).  

I'm sure that there are people who will grouse and say "Well, I don't have a window, why should I care about her?"  And that's true. The building was designed so many people do not have a window, and very few have a view as nice as mine.  But the point I have to make is that I'm BEING MOVED.  I have done nothing wrong yet my work environment is being substantially altered against my will.

And let's be honest - this is Milton on Office Space.  Next they'll try to come for my red stapler (which i don't have, and it was very difficult for me to get a stapler at all when I started there).  

They underestimated me.  This was very clear with my supervisor came to my office for the first time ever, to discuss my "feedback" about the move.  A step she should have taken earlier.  I was firm, she acted cowed.  

I wouldn't mind some time off, and I have savings to live off for awhile.  I'm not worried.  But I'm wound up and ready to take a noisy stand.  And I'm curious to see!  

Update: nothing touched.  Apparently this is still my office for now. 

we are the same

 My dog is pushy, demanding.  Wants to inspect and know everything going on.  She's constantly underfoot because she so firmly doubts my capacity to handle things.  She's a good sport and a massive pain in the ass.

And I think this is probably how the person I've been recently assigned to report to directly sees me.  He's a nice enough guy but he runs things poorly and it's tremendously inefficient.  Our purpose is not efficiency but it is still a value, and the confusion that everyone is subjected to is unnecessary.  And of course there is pushback to improving systems, because people feel power in the way things are.  But I cannot stand it.  And so I seem impatient and judgmental ... probably because I am.  So. Much. Unnecessary. Confusion.  It makes me cranky.  

He's the one who was complicit in me being forced to give up my lovely office with window with view in favor of a smaller windowless office in that new section.  I've made my case and they're still thinking the move is necessary.  It's not but they don't care about efficiency or employee satisfaction and quality of life.  A "final" decision hasn't been made, and they're trying to distract me with an expensive training opportunity that I requested last year.  I will not be distracted, and I turned their words back on him.  "The reasons that the person in charge gave last year for declining my involvement, I think those reasons are still true, and so I do not think that I need to do this."  

They didn't expect that.  

I like to keep them on their toes.

But so the new supervisor says it's likely I'll have to move to his section.  I said that if that is the final decision that I will be looking for other employment.  Two related businesses have expressed interest.  But also, and this is big ... my references are being checked for a job in the town where my BFF is back west.  This was the job that I thought weird for not asking a single question about diversity, equity, or inclusion.  And they require a current supervisor reference, which is weird (never had that requirement before, and I've applied for A LOT of jobs).  So I asked the new supervisor and he agreed.  And I think he will be fine.  I gave some other names of people who speak highly of me.  I think this stage will be fine.  The only time I've had an issue with a reference check was with a former employer whom I had to threaten to sue to be released from a contract that I had agreed to because I was misled (and also, because I learned information that had been withheld from me about violence against women in the unsecure house where I was placed, and I had serious concerns about my safety because of that and other inputs.  My successor was murdered outside that same house, in a way I feared for myself.  So I have zero regrets about breaking that contract and leaving.  And in that situation, I was still offered the job when I explained to the reference checker.  Though I ended up turning it down and learned to not list that employer again, which is easy because the phone doesn't even work there anymore.)

Anyway, if I'm offered this job back west, I'll drop the asking price on my house significantly (for some reason my realtor is resistant to that and I've had to talk her down) and hopefully get a buyer quickly, and move.  

If I'm not offered this job back west, I may commit to staying here at least another year, and apply to the related companies who are interested in me to start right away. They are more work for not more pay, and they have super high turnover for not good reasons, but I would have a window and would learn and improve valuable skills and I don't have to stay forever.